“In times like these it is difficult not to write satire”--Juvenal
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
My Dog Don't Fart, An Epistle
I recently received this letter and thought I should share it with the rest of the world. If you're a wine blogger and haven't yet received your copy, well, you will.
You pathetic, irrelevant, imbecilic, illiterate, bottom-feeding, sulfurous, bung-licking, nose picking, flop dicking, inbred, brain dead, wet-the-bed piece of crap.
Where do you get off questioning my ethics or the ethics of my trained seals? Without me and my publication none of you would even exist. You all want to be me! Like that's a walk in the goddamn park. Pretending to give a crap what Mark Squires thinks, wading through all that Schildknecht babble about German wines only sissies and old ladies drink, listening to Dr. Miller ramble drunkenly on about his ugly ex-wife Mrs. Miller--you think that's fun? And then spending hours adding four or five points to the scores of that Galloni guy--if I've told him once I've told him a hundred times, "People like to see high scores! Do you think they'd watch the Olympics if every gymnast received a 7.5? Would they watch 'Jeopardy' just to see Trebek's newest toupee if the contestants only won $35? Why do you think the Stanley Cup Finals are on the WhoGivesaShit Network? They have violence and nonstop action and cheerleaders with erect nipples but they have low scores! No one cares!" But he still lowballs the Italian wines, not that I blame him. They all smell like Berlusconi's fingers if you ask me.
What do you care that Squires gets a free trip to taste Israeli wines? So what? I sent him on that trip praying for a suicide bomber to get me out of the contract. Who cares about the wines of Israel? What, "Wailing Wall White" is going to set the wine world on fire? Sure, it's unfined, unfiltered, uncircumsized, so what? No way any of their plonk rates over 82 points. So what does it matter he took a free trip? All you blobbers do is whine, whine, whine. If you ask me, China has it right when it comes to the Internet. It needs to be monitored and controlled. When did free speech ever amount to anything except yokels spouting off about shit they don't understand? Hey, let's put it this way, my team's ethics are the equivalent of the knowledge and experience of wine blobbers--sure, they've got a little, but they never let that get in the way.
Come on, get off my back. I'm trying to retire anyway. But I want my little mimeographed phone book to survive me. OK, OK, I passed the buck to the wrong guys. You know that and I know that. I'm hoping that they'll get better, but, hey, I'm managing the Washington Nationals here--no, make that the Washington Generals. I got Lemons alright, just no Meadowlark Lemons. One of them comes to me and says, "Hey, Slim, I think I'm going to head off to Portugal with some guy named Symington--can you front me a couple of Benjamins?" how am I supposed to know the whole trip is a freebie? I'm in the stinkin' Barossa sweating my hairy echidnas off and tasting 100 point cough syrup with Aussie descendants of felons, I'm supposed to hold these bozos' hands? You expect a lawyer and a doctor to understand ethics. Yeah, right.
Meanwhile you blobbers are begging for free samples, printing up business cards and suckering wineries for free tastings, trying to get free tickets to wine events, going on and on about transparency but neglecting to tell your fourteen readers that most of what you know about wine you learned from Trader Joe's "Fearless Flyer," and hallucinating that consumers will one day turn to unqualified strangers on the Internet for wine recommendations. Could happen. Yeah, and my dog don't fart.
After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.
What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine
"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..." --Robert Parker
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."
--Mike Dunne, Sacramento Bee
Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/21/6089630/dunne-on-wine-wine-blogs-and-bloggers.html#storylink=cpy
"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion." --Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."