Friday, June 26, 2009

You Too Can Be a Wine Typer!

Do you love wine? Do your friends think you're an expert? Do you know how to type? Answer yes to all three of these questions and you can start your own wine blog!! It's easy, and just think of all the free wine you'll be receiving from the ignoramuses in the wine marketing departments of large wineries! Jump on this bandwagon now. The HoseMaster of Wine will show you how.

First of all, remember that we live in a democracy. Wine lovers in Iran have no voice. The government controls the Internet and a guy like Gary Vaynerchuk would be in prison--yet another reason to admire their leaders. But democracy welcomes voices. Wine needs more voices. OK, sometimes more voices just make for more noise. But wine needs more wine blogs like a classroom needs the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. With each new wine blog I discover I feel that pleasurable little tightening of my sphincter. I use it to remove Stelvins. I'm addicted to crack.

Setting up a blog couldn't be easier. Any moron can do it. Most have. The hardest part is coming up with a name that sets you apart from all the other wine blogs. But don't let that slow you down. If all else fails, act cool and use your own name as the name of your wine blog. That has worked admirably for Steve Heimoff, Jancis Robinson and Alice InVinoPecunia. If you have a name that seems unsuited for this, perhaps you can use a nickname. Maybe one tied to your actual occupation. This has worked for Dr. Vino, myself, and Winewhore (speaking of sphincters). Once you've found a name for your blog, the rest is relatively simple. There are just a few things you'll need.

Make sure your blog has a list of other wine blogs. They don't have to be blogs you actually read,
they don't even have to be blogs that even exist any longer, but if you don't have a Recommended Blog List no one will put you on their Recommended Blog List and you'll forever remain a nobody. Your typing will go for naught. Send messages to blogs that are widely read that say, "Great post, Tish, as always. I've added you to my blog list and hope you'll do the same for my new blog" It doesn't matter if the blog's author is named Tish or not, this will work. Every blogger basically answers to Tish. At least he thinks so.
A scene from the 2008 Wine Blogger's Conference

Don't worry too much about the "About Me" feature for your wine blog. Just cut and paste this example, it's one most wine bloggers sport in one form or another.

I'm a student of wine with many opinions and thoughts on the subject, none founded in fact but founded in love. Please join me in my journey as I seek out the best wines and search winery websites for apt descriptions to plagiarize for your reading enjoyment. I will also share endearing stories of my spouse and children as well as riveting stories of disease so that the wine will seem more necessary. My friends say I'm funny, knowledgeable and should spend as much time as possible locked in a room typing.

Now it's time to start typing your blog entries. Can't think of anything to write about? Join the club! No, actually, it couldn't be easier. First of all, remember that it's not about the quality of your entries, it's about the quantity. Try to post every day. Don't waste time on grammar, accuracy or originality--that's not what wine blogs are for. Write about the wine you had the night before. Remember to give it a number. Either on the famed 100 Point Scale (100 being a perfect wine, something you should award only to wines no one else can acquire to actually taste and compare), or use a different scale, like the 1 to 10 scale that Yawner Yarrow uses for Vinography. Oooooh, I hope I live long enough to taste a 9.5 wine!

Now you are on your way to fame and free wine on the Internet! Wasn't that easy? Have someone show you how to add a Traffic Counter to your blog site so that you can watch as your audience grows from three to seven in just eight months! For advanced bloggers, don't forget to kiss Tom Wark's ass over at Fermentation. He'll say nice things about any blogger. Then sit at home and listen for the distinctive sound of the UPS truck as Big Brown delivers samples of the countless mediocre wines now being dumped at the doorsteps of sycophantic wine bloggers just like you! Enjoy!


Chris Kissack said...

Great post Ron, as always. I've added you to my blog list and....oh, forget it.

I see you have a webstat counter on your blog, by the way. ;-)

Saint_Vini said...

Are you telling me that Wilma at Dry Creek didn't really love my insightful post? She did a drive-by on me? I feel used, and this time I don't like it.

Samantha Dugan said...

Hey!! You told me that ride in the Sterling tram was how you get on the recommended blog reading list....feel so dirty now.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Chris,

Yeah, but my counter is running backwards. When it gets to 000000 I am released from this damned prison work furlough.

Hey Vini,

You had an insightful post? Clearly a violation of the Wine Blogger Code. Don't let it happen again.

Sam, My Darling,

What happens on the Sterling tram stays on the Sterling tram. Do you really feel dirty? I'm so proud!! You're on my blog list because I love you. I adore you. You're a babe. This is not true for the others, by the way...

Andrew Ross said...

feeling the 2nd person junot diaz how to date a halfie prose (before hos). keep up the good work, ron!


Arthur said...

I'm eternally wonuded, Ron.
You're banned from my blogroll.

Samantha Dugan said...

Wait a minute...does this mean the hand strengthening exercises, (for my cork screw certification) and the blogger business card photos you took of me are bogus too?! I think I have been hosed....

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Fine. Just for payback, I'm adding you to mine!

So who's going to replace me on your blogroll between GonzoGasbag and IntraUterineWino?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Sam, My Darling,

Please, Gorgeous, don't be dismayed or angry. I pulled the same stunt on Alder Yarrow. At least he thanked me. And now has a helluva handshake!

I adore you, Luscious One.

Anonymous said...


Are you going to be working at a winery like Quivera during WBC again this year? Maybe you can spew your distaste for Wine Bloggers in person to some of them while serving them like you did last year.

vickibarkley said...

so, does this mean that I can convert an art blog to a wine blog, and actually get something for it?

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Pretty easy to post when you're anonymous, ain't it? I thoroughly enjoyed meeting the bloggers at Quivira, and, I hope, making them a bit uncomfortable. I have absolutely no distaste for bloggers, but enormous distaste for their sanctimoniousness, hubris and unwillingness to laugh at themselves. Someone has to burst their balloons and I'm just the prick to do it. And I don't spew my venom, I inject.

Hey Vicki,

Yup. You can get swine flu.