“In times like these it is difficult not to write satire”--Juvenal
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
It's time once again for my collection of wine wisdom culled from countless wine blogs. I learn so much as I surf the Net reading all the many and wise bloggers. Much of this will seem trivial, perhaps useless, but, in fact, much of what is really interesting about wine is trivial. Of course, in a real sense, everything about wine is trivial. What passes for debate on wine blogs is truly just the mindless yammering of asylum inmates convinced that their delusions are reality and that convincing others of that is paramount. In fact, if you read the comments section of blogs in the voice of, say, Shepard Smith, or some other professional psychopath, they actually start to make sense in a pathetic way. And it's a fun party game! Not my stable of commentators, of course, I'm talking about other blogs. If I have any commentators left. Anyhow, more wine wisdom from the blogosphere.
Not every wine region in France is subject to Appellation laws. In a few places you are required to marry your sister or first cousin as designated by the Appalachian rules. This is true in Burgundy.
In Italy, winemakers often determine if grapes are ready to be harvested by throwing them against the wall to see if they stick.
Native yeast prefer to be known as Fungi Americans. Pinot Noir is distantly related to Liberace.
Many traditional French fishermen age their catch in expensive barrels but have to be careful they don't get a rash from the poisson oak. When finished the barrels are then sold to Sterling.
The most difficult part of the M.S. exam is the obstacle course. Most candidates are unable to climb Larry Stone Right without pitons.
Taste is 70% smell, 30% body odor.
Organic vineyards are allowed to use tiny roach motels for phylloxera.
The person who makes wine is a vintner, the person who makes barrels is a cooper, the person who makes numbers up about wine is an idiot.
"Chateauneuf-du-Pape" means "new home of David Ortiz."
Sancerre is a highly effective douche. Pouilly-Fume is great for destroying ant nests. Walla Walla is best known for beriberi, tsetse flies and Russ Meyer starlets. Walla Walla is Native American for "Nice gazongas."Left, natives of Walla Walls
Much like the brandy for Port, all Oregon Pinot Noir is the same and is aged for a year in the Spruce Goose.
Wines that are unfiltered are a greater risk for cancer.
Scientists have proven that grapes can feel pain, especially when planted in the Malibu mountains.
In the 1855 Classification of Bordeaux there were actually Eight Growths, but two Growths were surgically removed and the other turned out just to be gas. Chateau Pavie is that Eighth Growth.
Robert Parker is still dead, but is planning a new book on the wines of Purgatory. They're a lot like Madeira.
All the Champagne bottles aging in caves in France laid end to end would nearly encircle Marvin Shanken.
After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.
What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine
"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..." --Robert Parker
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."
--Mike Dunne, Sacramento Bee
Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/21/6089630/dunne-on-wine-wine-blogs-and-bloggers.html#storylink=cpy
"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion." --Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."