Monday, September 14, 2009
The HoseMaster Sells Panties, Half Off!
What if everything were sold the way fine wines are sold? I was thinking about this recently, struck by the absurdity with which fine wines are marketed. So I started imagining a world where panties were sold like fine wine is sold. OK, yeah, I'm still the HoseMaster after all. What would panty salespeople say to get panty buyers to buy their wares. Their underwares. Stuff like this...
"I love the nose on these panties, you can really smell the terroir."
"Parker gave this pair a 94 and said he couldn't wait to try them again in eight years."
"We entered these panties in a blind panty trial and they beat out all of the best European panties--and all of the judges were French! I just wonder if European in your panties."
"This gorgeous pair of silk panties got 3 Puffs from Connoisseurs' Guide to Panties. And it got a good score too."
"The original pair of these panties came over to California smuggled in a bra from a very famous Italian design house. They're 'Thongs From the Mammaries'."
"We brought in Rudy Giuliani to consult on these panties, and David Abreu did all of the irrigation work."
"You know, I could sell you a couple of pairs of the frilly black panties, but I'd really need you to buy a bunch of the Ellen DeGeneres castoffs."
"The guy down the street bought three pairs of these panties right before lunch."
"No, really, these panties are fine, they've just been open all day."
"These panties are from right next door to Helen Turley's panties...you can literally see her panties from there."
"When Clinton was President, these panties were always served at the White House. And I don't have to tell you how often they were used for Bush..."