Monday, September 14, 2009

The HoseMaster Sells Panties, Half Off!

What if everything were sold the way fine wines are sold? I was thinking about this recently, struck by the absurdity with which fine wines are marketed. So I started imagining a world where panties were sold like fine wine is sold. OK, yeah, I'm still the HoseMaster after all. What would panty salespeople say to get panty buyers to buy their wares. Their underwares. Stuff like this...

"I love the nose on these panties, you can really smell the terroir."

"Parker gave this pair a 94 and said he couldn't wait to try them again in eight years."

"We entered these panties in a blind panty trial and they beat out all of the best European panties--and all of the judges were French! I just wonder if European in your panties."

"This gorgeous pair of silk panties got 3 Puffs from Connoisseurs' Guide to Panties. And it got a good score too."

"The original pair of these panties came over to California smuggled in a bra from a very famous Italian design house. They're 'Thongs From the Mammaries'."

"We brought in Rudy Giuliani to consult on these panties, and David Abreu did all of the irrigation work."

"You know, I could sell you a couple of pairs of the frilly black panties, but I'd really need you to buy a bunch of the Ellen DeGeneres castoffs."

"The guy down the street bought three pairs of these panties right before lunch."

"No, really, these panties are fine, they've just been open all day."

"These panties are from right next door to Helen Turley's can literally see her panties from there."

"When Clinton was President, these panties were always served at the White House. And I don't have to tell you how often they were used for Bush..."


Samantha Dugan said...

I was wondering where my favorite pair of blue panties went....I don't even remember that guy!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

You wouldn't remember that guy. I sold them to him. Paid by the hectare.

Those aren't your panties. Unless that guy's a Keebler elf.

I adore you.

Party Daddy said...

Well, you got it wrong. The correct title is CONNOISSEURS' GUIDE TO PARTIES, although I will admit that the lengthy finish of the party in question was balanced movement of the panties in question.

Arthur "Kanye" Przebinda said...

Taylor Swift got nice panties, but Beyonce deserved the Best Female Panties Award!

Anonymous said...

Would Beaulieu Vineyards have to change its name to "BVD"?
We'll be hearing about cross-merchandising (and probably cross-dressing, as well): "Here's a nice pair of shorts and you get a (bottle of) Cockburn, too."
Would snippets of tasting notes, then, be called "briefs"?
Is the leading American panties critic named "Melvin," by any chance? The top Aussie critic is named Reginald, as in Reg Grundys.
Some vintners are making un-wooded Chardonnays. In panty-speak, these would be described as "crotchless."
Rumor has it that Marvin Shankster is buying his local NBA team...the New York Knickers-bockers.
Is Spandex, then, the panties equivalent of Mega-Purple?
The world of panties has "bloomers," while the wine world has bloomin' idiots.


el jefe said...

I only wear old-thread panties....

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Party Daddy,

Yours is a different publication. Connoisseurs Guide to Panties is edited by Jerry Mathers.

Anon 1,

Yeah, I'd stay anonymous too.

El Jefe,

Don't get your panties all in a Twisted Oak.


Certainly the stupidest premise in HoseMaster history. And I'm damned proud if it. You don't get this kind of stuff on Heimoff.

Samantha Dugan said...

Mad skills my panty pimper you!