“In times like these it is difficult not to write satire”--Juvenal
Thursday, November 26, 2009
What's the HoseMaster Drinking?
Maison Deux Montille 2005 Corton Charlemagne
How many times have you heard a pinhead say, "I don't really like Chardonnay?" When did Chardonnay and Merlot become the Octomoms of grapes? Neither one of them deserve the scorn heaped upon them. Gruner Veltliner and Pinotage, now they deserve plenty of scorn, a scornucopia of disparagement, but that's another story. I would defy Chardonnaysayers to turn their nose up to the 2005 Maison Deux Montille Corton Charlemagne, however. This is the stuff dreams are made of, and not the dry ones. How Charlemagne got his name appended to the appellation seems lost in conjecture, some saying he once owned the hill in Corton where the only Chardonnay in this Burgundy appellation is planted; others say his wife, Mrs. Charlemagne, preferred white wine to red because it didn't stain his beard as much. What kind of a slob was he? His wife used to call him Charlemangey. But, I was thinking, wouldn't it be interesting if the United States had named wine appellations for its leaders? So, for example, instead of Finger Lakes maybe we'd have the Finger Bush appellation. Just a thought. The Deux Montille Corton Charlemagne was simply gorgeous, gorgeous the way gorgeous is meant to be gorgeous--simple, understated, naturally gorgeous. The wine possessed a superb nose of hazelnut, ripe green apples, and lemons that developed and expanded significantly over the course of the meal, adding honeyed notes and minerality. What defined this wine was its elegance, a rather vague word, but you know it when it stains your beard. The rich apple and honey flavors come through in the flavor along with the bracing acidity in perfect balance. Long and pretty and complex, it was a fantastic bottle of maligned Chardonnay.
The HoseMaster Score 866,905 Points
Disclaimer: I received this lovely bottle as a gift from a loyal HoseMaster reader. I think we can all learn from her example. And, like her gift, she's gorgeous too.
After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.
What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine
"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..." --Robert Parker
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."
--Mike Dunne, Sacramento Bee
Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/21/6089630/dunne-on-wine-wine-blogs-and-bloggers.html#storylink=cpy
"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion." --Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."