Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My Heartwarming Christmas Mailbag

We're well into the Holiday Season, so what better time to rummage through my voluminous hate mail? It always warms my chestnuts to receive thoughtful venom this time of the year. We spend so much time during the holidays communicating affection and gratitude to those we love, but so often we forget to express our heartfelt contempt for the people we wish were dead. I feel lucky that I inspire so many to unabashed and heartwarming hatred. Here are just a few samples from the ol' HoseMaster mailbag.

I've been expecting this letter, but was genuinely moved when I finally received it.

Dear Mr.

where do you get off making fun of me? your always calling me a trained chimp, or a clown,
and I don't appreciate it because I'm not a clown or a chimp--you're the trained chimpie, DoucheMaster! I'm a wine internet star and i know more about wine than you'll ever know about chimps. For example, can you just stick your nose in a glass of Italian priorat, say something funny about how it smells, like maybe you say it reminds you of the time uncle larry made you rub him and there was that funny kind of chlorine smell coming from him, and then give the wine a number? maybe one of your chimps can do that but I bet you can't. DoucheMaster of Wine at work

You don't want to mess with me, Mr. Master, i rule the Internet and my little boy toys at Wine Enthusiast gave me an award to prove it. I'm the next Parker and with just one little podcast i can sell whatever crap i decide to.
nobody reads your little excuse for a blog. i sniffed one of your posts and i told everybody it smelled like the time i had Jancis Robinson on my show, i bet you never even met him (yeah, people think it's a she, but I know better, i was there), and had eaten some bad borscht and she made a lot of faces but it wasn't that bad, but your post reminded me of it and I gave you a 76! So there.

be sure and let me know if some wine rag gives you an award so i can send my collection of ice wines to hell to store them at a freezing temperature.

happy holidays

Gary Vaynerchuk

Sometimes the letters are just short and to the point...

Dear HoseMaster,

I'm not dead, OK? But if I were dead I'd come back as a Zombie and eat your brain for lunch. With a nice bottle of D'Arenberg 2002 Dead Arm Shiraz which I rated 96 Points--last tasted 6/08.

And your Million Point Scale is stupid too. Who ever heard of a million words on a spelling test?

In vinum illis est meus verum,

Robert Parker, Jr.

And I can only be flattered when someone takes time out from their busy schedule to honor me with their prose.

Dear Ho's Master,

Somewhere there's a pair of Port tongs with your name on it, and one day you'll have a tong tattoo around that pencil neck of yours. This is the wine business, you terroirbag, and we conduct ourselves civilly. We don't post insulting remarks about wine and people on the Internet; we don't lampoon distinguished figures in the industry; we don't pull our metaphorical pants down and fire pooty rockets at wine critics! We only say nice things. Didn't your mother, Rosemary must have been her name, ever teach you the wine blogger's creed, "If you can't say something nice, say something stupid?"

In case you hadn't noticed, these are hard economic times. Many wineries have cases and cases of $150 bottles of wine just languishing in their cellars. Some winery owners in Napa have actually had to go to Mustards for dinner!! Mustards! And you sit at your keyboard and make fun of them! Wine critics are losing their audience, their clout. Where once they sold truckloads of admittedly overpriced wines, their very recommendation enough to start a ten-year waiting list for yet another cult Cabernet Sauvignon, now they brag about moving crap that sells for under $20. Bragging about it! It's our #1 Wine of the Year! Imagine their shame, the disgrace the economy and thoughtless bloggers like you have brought upon them. What next? The New York Times Book Review puts a Dan Brown novel on it's Ten Best List? The Playmate of the Year is Helen Turley? The Oscar goes to Tom Cruise? At a time when midgets rule the Earth, is this a time for your two pathetic cents?

Your blog is disgusting, and everyone who reads it needs to get a Home Lobotomy Kit for Christmas. I just hope you get what you deserve for Christmas, Ho's Master, the worst thing that can happen to a guy like you. Success.

Merry Christmas,
Robert Mondavi

PS--Like RP says, we ain't dead!


K.Mahoney said...

I am a new reader who coincidentally is also in love with Sams blog. I have spent the last few days reading the master's entries and lets just say that I am a fan. Keep em coming! Couldn't stop laughing while reading "Pole Dancing".

Proud to be reader #9

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Welcome K.!

I feel like I'm writing to a Kafka character.

Bloggers live for new readers, and new readers that have the courage to comment are especially satisfying. And since you seem to have impeccable taste in blogs, you need to comment very often. Here and over at Samantha's place.

Looking forward to your contributions, K. How in the world did you find HoseMaster?

Etoiles said...

How in the world do you find Hosemaster?

Now there is a question.

And I have the answer.

--Look for Jancis Robinson. He's always kissing up to her.
--Look for Steve Heimoff. He's always kissing up to her too.
--In the Healdsburg hoosegow. That is where he writes the MS Conspiracy at the end of his nights out.
--Sifting through James Laube's trash looking for signs of life.
--Hanging out with Charlie Olken. One dirty old man deserves another.
--Worshipping at the Alder tree in hopes that some of his readers will rub off on the Hosemaster.

Samantha Dugan said...

Hey! You are getting comments from my readers and I don't?!

K.Mahoney said...

Good guess Etoiles. Alder was actually in the mix of my readership. Alder caught my attention yesterday with his Tweet mentioning this HoseMaster guy as the songbird to the wineblog generation. Curiosity endured, which lead me to where I am today. Still reading nonsense wineblogs.

Charlie Olken said...

All of this mention of Alder got me to thinking, which, on the face of it can be a very dangerous thing at this hour of the night.

But, I am as sober as a judge, and since I am not Tiger Woods, I have come here for my bare-ass fix. But where is it?

Oh well. Back to Alder. I realize that I really have no idea what an Alder is other than a tree of some sort. So, I looked it up and it turns out that Alders are part of the Birch family. OK, I like birch trees with their white bark that peels off and Indians used to use to make canoes until they invented aluminum.

The most interesting thing about Alder is that the leaves make good compost. I am guessing that the Hosemaster can make use of that information somehow.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Dear K.,

Songbird? Really? Alder tweeted that? Seems ironic to tweet songbird. I need to find the link to that tweet (send it to me if you have it, K. Baby) so I can put that blurb on the top of the page. Along with Steve Heimoff's quote, "Lucky for you I have a good sense of humor." Well, however you found your way here, K., thank you for reading and for your very kind words. Make yourself comfortable, my dear, and chime in at every opportunity.

Puff Daddy,

Thank you for mentioning my humble blog in the December issue of your prestigious rag Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine. (Friends, anyone who wants to read THE publication for reviewing CA wines MUST subscribe to Connoisseurs' Guide, it's absolutely the best journal out there.) I'm honored. Though listing my blog after Heimoff and Alder and Tom Wark surely gave you a chuckle.

Why, yes, the Alder is in the birch family and was commonly used to build outhouses. You've heard of the Birch John Society. The compost aspect is interesting, though it fits. As in, "Did you see Alder's latest compost on Vinography?"

Connoisseurs' Guide To California Wine said...

The HMW writes, "I'm honored. Though listing my blog after Heimoff and Alder and Tom Wark surely gave you a chuckle."

Be careful about that so-called honor. You may start to get my hate mail. Although, since you give wines so many more points than I do, I suppose everyone loves you.

And, yes, listing you alongside serious bloggists did give me big chuckle. I especially like how I warned my readers about you. "Don't read this blog if you have a weak stomach, a stick up your ass or a thin skin".

Your welcome.
Puff Daddy

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puff Daddy,

So I'm not a "serious bloggist?" Nothing is more serious than satire, my friend, especially the way I do it. Those other guys are only serious about self-promotion, the wine blogger's disease.

You're right about thin skins staying away. Who needs them? They're more likely to have mold.