Monday, January 11, 2010

The HoseMaster's Dream Dates for 2010

I stumbled on to a wine blog a few days ago,, and the author of the blog mentioned that one of his goals for 2010 was to meet the HoseMaster. Wow. Here's a guy seriously in need of a psychological evaluation. Of course, two of his other goals were to learn to stay inside the lines in his coloring books, and to learn to say "Gewurztraminer" through his sphincter. I wish him luck with all three. Though you might start with "Falanghina," should be a little easier.

But his delusional post got me to thinking. As did a comment by Charlie Olken on this blog to the effect that he'd like to see my list of the people I'd like to have a drink with in 2010, from a play by Tom Wark. Note to people who don't otherwise read wine blogs: Charlie Olken and Tom Wark are imaginary characters I created for HoseMaster of Wine, and bear no resemblance to actual human beings. And, well, since ideas are not something I am much given to, though I can say "Smaragd" with my armpit, I thought, what the hell. Here is my short list of people I'd like to meet in 2010.

Dottie and John

I know, I know, who wouldn't want to meet the folksy and charming couple who used to write a wine column for "The Wall Street Journal?" They created their own dream job, writing a column about wine to pay for their drinking habits without knowing anything about wine. This is brilliant. I wonder if I could get "The Economist" to pay me to write a column about candy. I love candy. I've tasted lots of candy. I have an awful lot to say about candy, and I can do it in a friendly and heartwarming style. And then I could go out and buy all the candy I want and "The Economist" would pay for it, and I'd start an "Eat that Dessert Day!," and I'd be on "Oprah" (which is different than being on Oprah, which is what cellulite does) and you wouldn't be able to look at a Tootsie Roll without thinking about me (of course, you probably can't do that now). It worked for Dottie and John! Why not me? The other thing I admire about Dottie and John is that they had the common sense to get the hell out of the print wine reviewing business before the whole thing starts to stink like your mother's chipped beef on toast left outside by the pool for a week, which is no doubt going to happen the minute Robert Parker dies, or 2009, whichever comes first. And, a bit of a warning, John, I wouldn't leave me and Dottie alone for very long...

Plus, I can't wait to say, "See ya later, Dottie Gaiter!"

Rachel Alexandra

Jess "Huckleberry" Jackson's fabulous four-legged sensation is the filly I'd most like to meet in a wine bar in Sonoma. OK, she's underage, but I've seen her teeth, she looks older. What a babe! Huckleberry isn't just a guy with the rare gift of being able to buy mediocre wineries and then magically transform them into genuinely worthless brands, the guy can sure pick horses! And when he purchased the sexy Rachel Alexandra (after a couple of cocktails I hope to be calling her "Rach") right before the Preakness and had the sense to have Hardy Wallace mount her (but, luckily, not be the jockey), well, is it any wonder Rach is leading candidate for Horse of the Year? And, really, who would you rather meet, Time Magazine's Person of the Year Ben Bernanke or Horse of the Year Rachel Alexandra? My thought is, if you're gonna meet a horse's ass, just meet an entire horse.

Dick Cheney

I love Dick Cheney. I love how he fights crime and all the bad guys in the world--Mumbles, Flattop Jones, Pruneface...hell, the whole Bush Cabinet. And the cool 2-way wrist radio, so people can listen to you jerking off. I love Dick Cheney! Oh. I guess I'm thinking of Dick Tracy. Never mind. Who wants to have drinks with Dick Cheney? What does he drink, sneer and tonic? And he'd probably accidentally shoot you afterward. And call you a pansy. And send your kid off to fight in a senseless war. Not my idea of a good time. Forget I even brought him up. Is he dead yet?

Ron Popeil

I always think, what if Ron Popeil had turned his genius to wine? Why didn't he? The guy comes up with Pocket Fisherman and Spray On Hair (which, by the way, looks great on the rainbow trout you've caught with Pocket Fisherman) and, of course, Veg-O-Matic, what might have he invented had he tackled the wine industry? Though I think they did use Veg-O-Matic for Santa Barbara County Cabernet once upon a time. Maybe he would have invented Pocket Port Tongs that you can heat up in one of his rotisseries. Or a Ginzu corkscrew that even goes through a Stelvin and never dulls! But wait, there's more! If you order now you'll receive this handy Magic 8-Ball Point Generator! Just ask the Magic 8-Ball what score your 2005 Opus One deserves, flip it over, and, magically, it displays the proper score in its window! 84! And it's never wrong! It's exactly how the major critics do it! What would you pay for this? $50? $75? If you call in the next fifteen minutes, it's only $19.99 plus shipping and handling! Operators are standing by!

Aside from these five, there are many others I'd love to meet. Among them:

Robert Mondavi, this just in, still dead. But I'm patient. We'll have hot toddies. Very hot.

Osama bin Laden, still living in a cave, but recent intelligence suggests it's at Jarvis.

Stephen Hawking, love him in "Glee." Want to confirm that he's a Muppet.


Samantha Dugan said...

Dammit! Yet another one of your lists I didn't make! How the hell am I going to win, "Cutest Wine Blog Couple" award, (and wrestle it from Charlie) with you if I cannot even make your damn lists...sigh, I give.
Oh and by the way...funny as hell

Rachel said...

I'm crying laughing.
I'm going to drink wine and watch season one of Glee right now.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

I don't think we have a chance at Cutest Wine Blog Couple against Steve Heimoff and 1WineDude, or even Charlie and Anonymous 1.

If I made a real list of who I want to meet in 2010 you know you'd be on top. Of the list, I mean.

I adore you!

Hi Rachel,

Glad to have given you some cheap laughs--that's what it's all about here at HoseMaster of Wine. There are hundreds and hundreds of blogs that take wine way too seriously. I try to bring just a little perspective to this freak show.

As bloggers always say to new people, Please come back and comment often!

Frank said...

Mystery solved! Dammit Ronald! All day, I’ve eagerly watched my daily blog statistics at, as I do everyday. Yet most of the day I’ve lamented my poor traffic stats – the worst in the last 169 days.

Now I know why… a frontpage, first sentence mention by the HoseMaster himself. Next time at least have the courtesy of embedding the Paris Hilton video or a nice picture of Rachel Uchitel adjacent to my site name ( to attract more attention to my site ( ).

If you’re not careful pal, I may rescind my offer to visit you on my next trip out to So/Na and drink your wine. It was more of a mercy mission – I lost the ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ tourney at the Wine Bloggers Conference and this was my punishment. (Editorial Side Note: You have registered for Wine Bloggers Conference 2010 right? Oh My Gawd, it’s soooo much fun).

And by the way, when you commented over at my site you assumed I wanted to meet you because you “can write.” Aww, how sweet… you think you can write. (TACKY ALERT: Reminds me of a young Hillary Rodham eagerly awaiting a young lad to ask her to high school prom. Clearly no one went there. Confused as to why no boys wanted to be seen with her in public, her parents told her that it had nothing to do with her manly features, unusually hairy face and interesting looks, but instead boys don’t like smart girls, and she believed them. Aww, how sweet is that?)

I’m off to catch up on my wine blog reading, and open up this Domaine Weinbach, but I’ll be back in a few days to comment on your next post and drop a few more of my site links ( ) – let’s do better next post – I believe in you!

Peace out.

Puff Daddy said...

I never wanted to meet Dottie and John, but now that they are gone from my patch, I guess I can forgive them for having the cushiest gig any wine writer or writers ever had. Two full-time corporate salaries, an expense account to pay for their wine and all they had to do was to pump out one stinking column per week. I did not want to meet them, because I wanted to strangle them. How dare they make it look easy?

Now, Rachel Alexander. There's a babe for ya'. Got a bit of a horseface, but, man, when she laughs, you can hear her--and believe me, she is laughing all the way to the bank. Truth is that she is wealthier than Huckleberry and she owns him. Look out for Rachel's Reserve Pinot, however, it reportedly out-merdes the French versions.

Ron Popeil never interested me, to tell the truth. His Vegamatic cannot hold a candle to the Bassamatic, especially for those of us who do not like cleaning fish. Just drop the bass in and turn it on, and instant Bouillabaise.

Dick Cheney? Did you say DICK CHENEY? Don't say Dick Cheney. Got it?

As for people you left out, I would want to drink with Richard Nixon. Or to be more precise, I would want to drink what Nixon was drinking. Reportedly at White House dinners, Nixon drank from his own special bottle. While the guests were sipping down Two Buck Chuck, Nixon was reportedly drinking Ch. Margaux or Petrus or one of those. Yes, I've got it. I do not want to drink with him, I just want his wine.

Samantha Dugan--Now, I know that I am just one in a long line of admirers and I will have to wait my turn, but I don't mind. She has promised to bring me better wine than Rachel Alexander, and besides, her ass is cuter.

Anon 1--No wait. Been there. Done that. But you do have to admire a guy who brings his own magnifying glass to your house so he can read the alcohol content notations hidden on wine labels and then turns your china over and reads the small print there.

Samantha Dugan said...

Wow, I am flattered...better than a horses ass. That seals it Sir Charles, I'm bringing an extra bottle of Champagne...

Ron Washam said...


Your post gave me an idea, apparently more than it's ever done for you.

Puff Daddy,

I left Samantha out of the lineup just to give her something to carp at me about--who doesn't love carp and Champagne? But there does seem to be a long line of people waiting to meet her. By the way, Charlie, no crowding, I saw her first.

You give me crap about Cheney and then you mention Nixon?! Nixon would have been just like Cheney if he hadn't served under a President with some brains. But I suspect Nixon's wine choices, though he was famous for keeping the good stuff for himself, weren't as good as Petrus or Margaux (though Margaux in that stretch was pretty dreadful stuff, so maybe).

My Gorgeous Samantha,

That Charlie is a sweet talker. It's how he got to where he is today, editor and publisher of "Connoisseurs' Guide to Horses' Asses." I received Three Puffs.

I adore you!

Puff Daddy said...


Not just better than a horse's ass, better than Rachel Alexander.

And please remember that she likes to be ridden hard, but that I prefer you.

Now, if Rachel wants to bring me some of her money instead of her Rachels' Reserve Pinot, maybe.

Nah, probably not. Money can't buy me love, ooh.

Samantha Dugan said...

Puff Daddy Sir,
You are far too kind and who knows, give me a sharp slap on the ass and I might ride hard too...

Anonymous said...

OY GEVALT! And I thought the previous blog post discussion veered off into murky waters...

We knew Sam has unbridled enthusiasm for good wines...And that Sir Charlie apparently knows his shit.

Meanwhile...John and Dottie are fictious characters...and much of what they wrote was fiction, too.

If the Ronco guy had invented the Bass-O-Matic, he probably would have lost money and not been able to buy that Southern Rhone estate in the newly-christened Chateauneuf-du-Popeil appellation.

Cheney could not possibly be someone who enjoys wine...he's so far off the charts of the profile of a wine-drinker...And Nixon skirted the protocol, put into place by LBJ, of serving American wines exclusively at State dinners. Nixon was a fan of Bernkasteler Doctor Rieslings and he apparently enjoyed the Bernkasteler Nurse, too, along with first growth Bordeaux. Scoundrel that he was in many respects, the fellow had some taste for wine.


Anyway, Hosemaster, Sir...good luck in fulfilling your dreams, though an evening with Jess Jackson's horse might turn into a NightMare .



Marcia Macomber said...

Good Lawd! I’m gone for a day dashing into SF and all over the local North Bay map, unable to get to HMW’s latest revelation and Wham! The comments are flying like that bloody horse down the final stretch.

What? Robert Parker’s dead? …Again?

What a filly, that Rachel! Why do memories of Mr. Ed talking to Wilbur at his Dutch door come to mind with your description of the neighing taster tethered to the tasting room bar’s foot rail? Can you imagine what she’d do to the spit bucket? (She probably only likes Sauvignon Blanc, you know… all those green apples and grass!)

Cheney? Already forgotten, by request. …Please.

Ah, the Magic 8-Ball Point Generator! Instant reviews… and you don’t even have to taste the wine to get a score! That’s a neat trick. Popeil’s got nuthin’ on the HMW Million Point system! Now if he’s was really worth something he would have come up with the Temp-o-Matic – a nice little gizmo to instantly raise or lower the temperature of the wine in your glass to the optimum level for drinkability! Or maybe the Perfect-O-Wine: a nifty gizmo to add or remove sugar, tannins, acid, fruit….whatever the palate desires, to balance the wine you are imbibing, matching your own personal taste bud preferences. (Oops! Willy Wonka already seems to have the patent on that one….)

Stephen Hawking? But you can only share a glass of wine with him via a tall straw! Where’s the fun in that?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Why do I get the feeling I'm losing control of this circus?

But I will say, HoseMaster of Wine does have the funniest comments section of any blog. Shame that the posts are so lame.

Anonymous said...

Sherlock Hosemaster, Sir! You're just figuring this out now???