Wednesday, April 7, 2010

1WineDoody


It's One Wine Doody time,
It's One Wine Doody time.

If you are new to wine,

You'll like my blog just fine.


It's One Wine Doody time,

It's One Wine Doody time.

I'm just a wine cut-up,

You wish would just shut up.



Hi Boys and Girls! I'm 1WineDoody! You've probably heard of my brother Howdy. Some people have a hard time telling us apart. One of us is small, with a happy grin plastered on his face, a big clown for a sidekick and everything he does is because someone is pulling his strings! The other one used to have a TV show with Buffalo Bob. Welcome to my blog! I'm here to teach all you kids about wine. So many of you think wine is intimidating, that it takes years to understand. Why that's foolish! Look at me! Please, look at me. Down here!

It doesn't take an expert to teach you about wine. Look, I've got a CSW after my name! That's a lot longer than an MS or an MW, a full third longer! And I wrote it on big letters at the top of my blog. I learned this from Safeway. "Certified" is a word that is powerful despite the lack of meaning. You put "Certified" in front of some words and, well, that makes it better. "Certified Angus!" "Certified Public Accountant!" "Certified Wine Specialist!" What do all those things have in common? If I give you the first four letters, kids, can you finish the word? OK, what they have in common starts with B-U-L-L****!

You're going to like it here at 1WineDoody. Everyone does! Certified! 1WineDoody is nice to everybody. If I'm not here praising every wine blogger I meet, well, I'm on other blogs contributing brief little word essays that pay tribute to their wisdom. And I believe in brevity, boys and girls. Everything you need to know about wine is on the surface, just like people. Right there on the surface, like a little layer of scum. And that's what I will teach you about wine, boys and girls, just the stuff you skim off the surface.

OK, here are today's Twitter notes about wines I've received from all my clown friends, all the Clarabeaus and Clarabelles that run winery marketing departments. Notice how at the end I've given every wine a grade! This is so you know what I actually think about the wine because the words probably won't tell you. Other wine bloggers, who are certified talented and really nice people, use the 100 point scale, which you my fans know from being at the lower end of it. Points are too complicated, you have to kind of think hard about them, and I don't want to give just a few points--that's not how 1WineDoody is! So I give grades! You know grades, right, boys and girls? They're like 100 point scores only nicer. I don't know about you, but a "C" was always pretty good as far as I was concerned. "C" is average! And 1WineDoody is nothing if not Certified Average. I'm just a Certified Average Joe. Now on to the notes!


  • 08 Geyser Peak Sauvignon Blanc (Sonoma County): If my dog smelled this he'd be looking for a leaky pussy. $12 C+
  • 07 Cakebread Cabernet Sauvignon (Napa Valley): I played in a band like this once, a lot of noise and drunk girls. $75 B
  • 08 Trimbach Pinot Gris (Alsace, Baby, that's right, I drink Alsace): Brought to mind Christopher Cross' "Sailing," only didn't make me seasick. $20 A-
  • 05 Jean Milan "Terres des Noel" (Champagne): Can I get you some antibiotics for that yeast infection, Baby? $75 A
  • 06 Silver Oak Cabernet Sauvignon (Alexander Valley): If ABBA were a wine, this would be their Dancing Queen. Rare, but easy to find. $60 B-


Isn't it amazing how I can just keep cranking these reviews out? And like I told you, just the surface, kids, just the certified surface. Oh, I know more than I'm showing, I'm humble. I hardly ever mention my musical talents, my gorgeous wife,1WineJudyDoody, or all the letters after my name. And you never hear me talking about how my wine blog friends are really influential--Steve Heimoff and that GoodGrape guy (Good Grape was my favorite flavor of Funny Face drink, along with Loudmouth Lime) and Dr. Vino, who has even more letters after his name than I do! 1WineDoody isn't here to waste your time with information! Oh no, not unless I'm killing a post recycling some publicist's wine event information. Then I go on and on about details.

Nope, boys and girls, 1WineDoody is all about making wine fun! That's why I'm the #1 wine blog around. I'm nice, I write in short sentences and I always assume my boys and girls are just Certified Average and listen to puppets.



55 comments:

Samantha Dugan said...

Um, where's the hug key on this new keyboard?! Considering the way I have been chaffed by the Wine Blog Awards nomination process I see this as a soothing swipe of ointment for the pain on my ass....

I love you kid
So nice to see you again...

K.Mahoney said...

Nothing like a little Wine Doody to cheer me up. Thanks for coming back to me.

K.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

What a coincidence, I always see myself as ass ointment.

I love you too.

K.

I confess I missed you too. Three weeks off and everyone has forgotten about me. Just the way I like it. You and My Gorgeous Samantha are here, and that's mighty lovely.

I still owe you a drink at Willi's. Care to collect?

Arthur said...

Ron

I am so disappointed at you for bailing on your Internet Addiction treatment.....

Charlie Olken said...

OMG. This is worse than Freddie Kreuger and Arnold Fartsenegger combined. He's baaaaack !!

I see where three weeks off did not kill your brain cells. That's a relief.

You and Tiger Woods on the same day. What a bonanza. I might just have to have a drink in celebration.

And, I have to admit that every three weeks is better than six months on and six months off even if there was not a hint of flesh.

Apparently Sam has taken over for you in the T and A department.

vickibarkley said...

Welcome back, HoseMaster! We've been keeping the servers on just for you! My RSS feed is mighty happy right now!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thanks, everyone, I came back under the old radar. The break did me worlds of good; though I can't promise I'll be the least bit funny I'll at least be far less neurotic.

Don't tell anybody. Just like Tiger, I'm trying to get my hits way down. And sleep with porn stars.

Puff Daddy said...

So, like Rip Van Winkle, you went to sleep for a long time and when you woke up, you found yourself in Oz--and I don't mean Oztralia.

I give this first post of the third coming a dual rating.

--999,992 for its reappearance.
--825,000 for its humor. I never did like stepping in Doody.

But, I think you need to step over to your friend Heimoff when a Mr. Tom Merle has given us a new meaning for god. Very enlightening. I don't think I skewered him nearly well enough.

Samantha Dugan said...

Charlie,
Well someone had to feed you while the HoseMaster was on vacation...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puff Daddy,

Wow, that's a very low score for humor. I know 1WineDude is your new rising star, the wine world's next Andy Blue (though I think 1WineDude is actually going on more free junkets than Mr. Blue this year and will no doubt overflow with praise like a backedup wine critic urinal), but no need to get stingy with the points.

Mr. Merle only has a single, solitary, incredibly boring point to make, which he makes over and over and over again. Sadly, it's a stupid point. The irony is he trumpets his point from every available soapbox and the very crowd he exhorts utterly ignores him. So perhaps he's right about the wisdom of the crowd.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

I'm not sure three weeks in a straightjacket qualifies as "vacation."

When Anne Heche went nuts, did they put her in a gayjacket?

Do they put crazy Asians in a yellowjacket?

Yeah, I know, Charlie, 428,775 points.

Charlie Olken said...

800,000 points is a lot of points. I have never given a wine more than 98 and then only a couple of times. I think you need to hire a PR agency to put shelf talkers on this blog. Wow. 800,000 !! Top that, suckers. Wark could be a big help.

Puff Daddy said...

Sam--

Ron can't compare to the way you fill me up. Your ass is much nicer than his.

Not that I have any first hand knowledge of that, mind, but he has published piccies of yours and it is round and firm and has corks.

He can't top that.

Marcia Macomber said...

Ahhhhhhh! The relief of having the Hosemaster of Wine back in action, putting the "ire" in "satire." Yea! Long live the King!

Mr. #1HMW, sir, in reading this post, from "Certified Angus" et al, I was waiting for your (inevitable) line about CSW to Certifiable, ...no?

Welcome back. No one forgot about you for the 3 weeks the HMW blog was dark! Looking forward to the next round of HMW inspiration.

Samantha Dugan said...

Puff Daddy,

Sadly my ass is nothing like that one in that picture, you still gonna let me fill ya?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marcia Love,

Thanks for the welcome back. I suspect Certifiable applies to almost all my fans. All eight of them.

Really, the only reason I returned was so that Samantha and Charlie would have a place to crack wise. Little did I know the crack would be Samantha's.

Puff Daddy said...

Sam,

And now, I suppose you are going to tell me that the substantial cleavage on your site the other day is not yours either.

Don't. I would rather live in fantasy than have my dreams dashed. That cork-bejewelled backside in the MS Conspriracy will always be yours for me.

1WineDude said...

I'm not sure what I like more about this post:

1) The fact the HMW is back,
2) The honor of being the first target to bring him out of his brief retirement, or
3) The tasty twitter reviews that he just wrote for me, which are better than I could have devised myself, and which at some point in the future I am very likely to lift wholesale from this post.

Welcome back!!!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thanks, 1WineDude,

Yeah, I'm back. Forget the wine Tweets, tweet about my return.

I don't know, I woke up with this rather low-rated (from Puff Daddy) satire completely written in my head and just couldn't resist taking the dictation and publishing it. The mind works in mysterious ways. At least mine sure as hell does.

So who do I do next? So many bubbles to burst, so little time.

Samantha Dugan said...

Do me!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Sure, the woman who won't interview me...

If that's what you mean by "do me." God, I hope not.

I adore you!

ANONYMOUS I said...

KOWABONGA!!! Hosemaster, Sir!
Boy Howdy...it's a pleasant surprise to find an H-M-W posting after the lights had been dimmed several weeks ago.

And it's nice to read the comments from the bright lights in the peanut gallery, especially Sam and Charlie...

ANONYMOUS I

Ken Payton said...

Just finished grunting into the phone to my mother. She speaks fluent Alzeihmer's. Have a few moments to write you before Portugal calls (it's 8 there). I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny.

I have no clue why you piss in all directions. On the other hand, I could care less. I've a film to shoot, a film you are constitutionally incapable of understanding. It is about wine, a subject you are clearly incapable to write about.

Phone ringing. Piss away. Gotta go.....

Ken Payton said...

Lost interest while writing the last sentence. It should read "a subject you are clearly incapable of writing about."
Apologies for any confusion.

Thomas said...

Take this from a Certified Bonafide: Huh?

Did 1WineDude offer you payola for the massive plug? If not, he's cheap.

Oh, welcome back--I think.

1WineDude said...

Thomas - I am so very, very cheap I'm afraid!

Thomas said...

That's OK, Dude. I know how much you are paid for the blogging...

Charlie Olken said...

Tom--

Don't worry about the Dude. He has a very important daddy who is going to give him tasting note writing lessons any day now.

The goal is get Dude to the point where his notes are longer than Steve Heimoff's but shorter than mine. No one should write notes as long as mine--maybe not even me.

Today's magic word is "crairrot", which looks like a carrot on drugs.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thomas,

No payola from 1WineDude, though I've been getting offers from people who want me to make fun of them next (see Ken's riotous remarks above--anybody ever heard of this guy?).

Charlie,

You're 1WineDoody's Daddy?! Cool. I'm going to refer to you from now on as Puffalo Bob.

Puffalo Bob said...

Yes, Ron, I adopted the Doody One earlier this year. He looked like he needed a daddy and you didn't and I could never adopt Sam and risk Woody Allen disease.

Besides, have you noticed how gracefully he handled being lampooned by you? I don't see Hardly Wallace or Huckleberry or Alder coming around here and laughing at the satire.

As for Ken Payton, he actually takes the wine biz seriously. I was not aware that he secretly visited here. Or maybe he also sees himself as Doody One's Daddy and took offense. Not sure why as "1WineDoody" was a lot kinder than some of the things you have written.

Thomas said...

I read Payton's comment as part of the schtick. Tell me that I was correct.

Anyway, since I like Sauvignon Blanc I request that I be allowed to sit in the "Pee-nut Gallery."

Charlie Olken aka Puffalo Bob said...

Tom--

I too hope you are right, but I saw Ken do something like this on Tom Wark's blog, and while I like Ken,and I presume you do too, I am afraid that something has pushed his buttons.

Too bad because his vamp on "Prison Wines" for April 1 was very funny--and especially appreciated in the absence of you know who.

Samantha Dugan said...

Yeah I was pretty sure it was not tongue and cheek as I had seen the Wark incident too.

So Puff Daddy if you don't adopt me does that mean you wont be giving me those baths???

Thomas said...

I've never met Payton and have no idea who he is. I do remember making a note about a year ago not to engage in online talk with him because I'm obviously ill-informed, stupid and probably unworthy of his attention.

Jimmie Schnipke said...

Ronnie

Can I change my moniker to Chief Thunderthud? And Sam can be Princess Summerfall Winterspring. Ever notice that Tom looks like Phineas T. Bluster? Welcome home, you look good.

Jimmie Schnipke

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Peanut Gallery,

Hey, well if Wark and Thomas and the rest of the loser bloggers have had trouble with Mr. Payton, I'm honored that he thinks I'm stupid. Ah, the wine business, everybody's smarter than everybody else. Apparently, since Parker's dead, Payton's gone Alexander Haig. I still don't know who he is, but judging from his site, his satire makes my wine knowledge look absolutely brilliant.

Puffalo Bob,

I went kind of easy on 1WineDoody because he's just so damn nice--you should have seen the outtakes.

Jimmie,

Thanks. It's not easy being this stupid 24 hours a day. But I've had a lifetime of practice.

Erin McGrath said...

I really needed that laugh. Thanks, HMW, so glad you're back! Yay.

Charlie Olken said...

Ron,

You gots to get your loving eyes over to Heimoff. He thinks he is you.

1WineDude said...

Ah, this all a bunch of falsehoods... HMW went easy on me because I paid him 3000% of my blogger earning (approx. $0.46)!

Ron Washam said...

1WineDoody,

Yeah, but the check bounced.

Have you written your Wine Blog Award acceptance speech yet? It should begin, "What time is it, kids?!"

Anonymous said...

I thought you retired???
Mark CWE, DWS, AIWS Howzat for letters. and I know they don't mean squat.

1WineDude said...

Actually, if I win an award, can I get you to accept for me, even if I'm there?

Joshua S. Sweeney said...

*slow clap*

There's so much Doody on this page. I approve.

Welcome back, HMW.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Mark,

I never retired, I was on "hiatus." Everyone was just hoping I retired. Thanks for stopping by.

Ron, HMW, BFD, LSMFT

Joe,

I would gladly accept your award for you but I don't think they'll let me in the building. I can accept it outside in the gutter.

I'll be publishing my acceptance speech one day soon. I'm a shoo-in for Best Barking on a Wine Blog.

Joshua,

Thanks. I guess it's good to be back.

Mark said...

Ron,
I'm one of your followers I don't know why, but how come I don't get noitifications when you post???

BTW Doody got one of his certifications after studying under my tutelage so he knows absolutely nothing.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Mark,

I haven't the vaguest idea how the Followers thing works--it goes to some sort of Google Home Page or something. Maybe one of my savvier readers can explain. Yeah, like I have savvy readers.

But thanks for joining! It's almost better that it doesn't work, isn't it? All the fun of joining without the burden of actually having to read my crap.

Sip with Me! said...

Jose,

It's really good to read your snarky voice again. I feel like I've been lost the past few weeks!

And btw, you can do me anytime!!

Eric V. Orange said...

Am I late??
Is this a party?
Is 48 comments a record?
Who are all these people?

Nice to see it was a short hiatus.

EVO

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Darling Tamara,

I love your attitude and choice of words. And why aren't you commenting here more often? Sheesh. I'm as nice as Samantha. OK, maybe not.

Eric,

You're late to the party, but I sort of snuck back without telling anyone. The HoseMaster is nothing if not stealthy. You can tell by all the bombs.

48 is not a record for me--I think Vornography was around 60.

Yes, I'm back--and tell a friend!

Sip with Me! said...

Is this 50? Thanks for the very kind welcome, I might just come back and visit you again soon!

Ron Washam said...

Darling Tamara,

Yes, but 50 is the new 30. Thanks to Boner in a Can!!

Please come back often. I'm begging you. I need all the sanity I can get.

Vinogirl said...

I love the Twitter reviews, very succinct, very irreverent.

Veronique - The American formerly known as Ceci said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!! YOURE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS HAS MADE MY MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed your blogging soooooo much!!!!!!!!! (did I use enough exclamation points!?!?!?!??) WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Sweet Ceci,

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, that !!!! thing is addictive.

You made my day.

Veronique - The American formerly known as Ceci said...

love you too! or as the frogs say here in la France, je t'aime!

I was in bliss last night reading all your posts since you've been back! It was amazeballs!