Thursday, April 15, 2010
Welcome Wine Blog Award Judges!
Honorable Wine Blog Award Judges,
Welcome to HoseMaster of Wine! Make yourselves comfortable. Would you like a drink? Sure, I've got wine. I'll open any of those free samples I have stacked up over there. You know, those samples remind me of my wine blog--they're both an endless parade of crap. No, no, it's no bother. I know, there are way better samples at Heimoff's house, but I won't make you tell me how much you admire me. Oh, wait, just a second, I need to find the right wine glass for your selection. Hmm, you mean Riedel doesn't make a Wines We Can't Sell Glass? They ought to.
So, while I have all eleven of you here (why, it's like you're a football team, only with far worse head trauma) let me show you around. You can get kind of lost in here, I know I have. Now, over there on your left you have my brief autobiography. Sure, it's impressive, but hardly comprehensive. I know that you want to award the Best Writing on a Wine Blog trophy to someone with prestige, someone with talent, someone who will make you look like you actually know what you're talking about even though you were selected based on how you look in an evening gown (I told you to wear that plunging neckline, Tom Wark, aren't you glad now?), so let me add to my autobiography that I recently was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Blogging. I know, I know, it doesn't carry the prestige of the Wine Blog Awards, but what does? I mean, I haven't wanted a prize this much since my last box of Cracker Jack. And when you think about it, Cracker Jack and the Wine Blog Awards have a lot in common. Both prizes are buried in corn and nuts. You can bet on the corn to win. (That was for you, Tommy Boy.)
And aside from the Pulitzer Prize, I've also won the James Beard Award for Blogger Who Most Closely Resembles James Beard (though I just edged out one of the BrixChicks) and a MacArthur Genius Grant, which I had to return when they found out I had borrowed my IQ points from Jay McInerney and they were forgeries. I should have known, I always get stupider after I read his wine pieces. Anyhow, I would make a most distinguished recipient of the Best Writing on a Wine Blog Award. And, so you know, I have a stunning Valentino to wear to the awards banquet.
Now, right below my overly humble autobiography, you'll find the quotes about my wine blog from major publications and critics. I refer to this as the "rest room." And, here, once again, I've modestly left out some other notable quotes:
"If HoseMaster of Wine were a wine, it would be discarded for having too much volatile acidity and being overly bitter."--Robert Parker (1947-2009)
"Washam is so funny I forgot to laugh."--Alder Yarrow, Vornography
"There's only one blog I would never miss. I just wish Washam would go away so I could prove it."--Eric Asimov, The Poor
So making me a finalist, with an asterisk, maybe, to note that you think I'm the best choice, would seem to be a popular concept.
How about a refill of those drinks? Yeah, I know, the wines suck, but, hey, they're free and I'll be praising them in an upcoming post, just to show I'm a regular kind of blogger.
Just a little way down the hall from the rest room is where I list other blogs that I think worthy of my eight readers' attention. OK, in fact, these are my eight readers. They probably deserve some kind of nomination too, but, I wouldn't know, I never read them. Recommended blog lists don't actually imply that you read these other blogs. Hell, no, what would be the point of that? No, recommended blog lists are the vestigial organ of a wine blog. They serve no actual purpose and get no use. They are an appendix in every sense of the word. They're coccyx and tonsils for suckers (oh, you know who you are, coccyx suckers). No one ever clicks on them, except for very lonely, very scary people. But having them removed is painful and unpleasant, so we just leave them there forever. But you knew that.
Just beyond the library of blogs is where all my Followers congregate. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NEVER GO IN THERE! It's my little Abu Ghraib, and, well, you probably don't want to know those people or know what goes on in there. Let's just say I have a legal opinion in my possession that says Hoseboarding is not torture under the Geneva convention.
So there you have it, my little slice of Heaven. Kind of cozy, ain't it? I hope you had a nice time here. Feel free to wander around in the archives, or as I like to call them, the septic tank. I think when you're finished here you're going to want to make me a finalist for the Best Writing on a Wine Blog Award.
To help seal the deal, just sit tight, I'll be right back. I want to slip into something a little more comfortable. If I'm not back in ten minutes, meet me in the bedroom. I've got some Boner in a Can I'd like to show you.