Monday, May 10, 2010
Waiting for Gallo
What are you doing?
I'm sleeping, what does it look like I'm doing?
Playing with yourself
Oh, that. I was just thinking about somebody
You're married to Oprah?
Who are you?
Who do I look like?
Well, honestly, you kind of look like Ernest Gallo
No, I look exactly like Ernest Gallo. Funny, huh?!
So you're Ernest Gallo, in my bedroom, in the middle of the night
Yeah, funny, right?
Aren't you dead?
I'm not dead. Ernest Gallo is dead. I just look like him, I'm not him
Will you just leave me alone?
Until you're finished with Oprah?
I was just about to slip her one of Her Favorite Things
The short version
OK, look, I just came here to tell you that they're all just fine
Who? Who? Fuck, you're stupid. John, your Mom, Josephine, Lucy
Lucy was my dog
Yes, I know. They're all fine
They're all dead
OK, I read your blog, I know you say nothing but stupid things, mostly for the attention, attention your favorite tiny thing doesn't get you, but, really, now you're getting into a whole other level of stupid, a far deeper stupid, Gary V. stupid, Gruner Veltliner stupid--hey, ever notice I gave them the same initials? after all, they're both tasteless and a waste of time--even
Sarah Palin stupid. Yes, they're all dead and I'm here to tell you that you don't need to worry about them, they're all fine
Couldn't you have come as Sasha Grey or Sasheen Littlefeather or Little Richard?
Ernest Gallo is funnier
OK, thanks, I'm glad to hear John is OK. He just died last Thursday. It's good to hear he's fine, and Mom and Josie. And Lucy
Lucy always dig holes everywhere?
She got it from me
OK, can I go back to sleep now?
I'm here, talking directly to you, you can ask me anything you want to know, and you just want to go back to bangin' Oprah?
She's the queen of daytime television
Fine. I'm outta here
No, wait, maybe I do have some questions for you
What do you think about wine blogging?
Oy. OK, between you and me, I'm thinking of putting a stop to it
Listen, wine is one of my favorite things--fucking Oprah--I mean wine is something I truly love, one of my most inspired creations. It's ingenious! And I give it to you bozos and you ruin it with all your talk, all your endless and uninspired chatter. You all think you discovered the truth about wine! Wine has been around for thousands of years, hell, I taught my stupid Son to make it, though he added too much water, a lot like those extracted Pinot Noirs they're making in California now that Robert Parker loves--by the way, have you seen him? I know he's dead, but I haven't seen him. I think he may have gone to Hell, which is basically right around Yountville--anyway, your stupid wine blogs preach about wine, "educate" people about wine, follow you on your idiotic "journeys" to discover wine and basically ruin the whole Gallodam thing for everyone. I'm so sick of it lately I just might get rid of wine altogether, you know, do my usual plague thing. Do you think locusts are too, well, Biblical?
I'd say jejune
Yeah. That's why the moths and the sharpshooters and the root lice--Man, I love a good pestilence
But we love wine. We really love wine
Then shut up about it
But half the fun is talking about it, showing how much we know, bragging about which wines we've tasted, blowing it up into something critically important in order to make ourselves feel better about having wasted our lives learning about it
Yeah, I know, my bad. I never should have let it go this far. But you kids were having so much fun, I just couldn't find it in my heart to stop it. But this blogging thing, it's annoying. I mean, have you read them? I'm talking about the most popular ones. Have you read them? They're garbage
Hell is right near Yountville?
Well, there's Hell and then there's Hell. Yountville is right near Wine Hell. Where I send fools to spend their eternal lives in nightmarish tasting rooms, and other fools to spend eternity building shrines to themselves. It's a hobby, but I enjoy it. But we were talking about blogs
Why pick on blogs? What about all the other wine publications?
Oh, they're doomed, trust me. I didn't stock 'em with halfwits for nothing. Does anyone actually read that crap? No, they just scan the numbers. Numbers! I didn't give you numbers to use them to score wine! No, I gave numbers to you so you can calculate batting averages, compare penis sizes, write 'em on bathroom walls. Not attach them to wines. Unbelievable
But I like some wine blogs
But you're an idiot
Hey, I didn't ask you to come here
Yeah, you're right. Never mind. Anything else you want to know?
I don't know. I've always wanted to know if there's baseball in the afterlife
Well, OK, I can answer that. I've got some good news and some bad news
The good news is, Yes, there absolutely is baseball in the afterlife
The bad news?
You're pitching on Thursday
For Dr. John Peters (1935-2010), a great and interesting man.