Thursday, June 10, 2010

Letters, I Get Letters, I Get Stacks and Stacks of Letters




As you might imagine, my mailbox overflows with hate mail. Most of it from the AARP. Old fucks. But a lot of it comes from Viewers Like You. People I've offended or outraged, people I've insulted or hectored, people who wish I would be nicer, more like 1WineDoody or other bloggers who personify the success of Electroshock Therapy. What's crazy about folks who write hate mail is that they even bother. It takes a lot of energy and time to write a nasty letter to someone you hate. It's like going on a lousy date with someone so ugly the waiter serves their food stuffed inside a mackerel and having sex with them anyway. Which is how I learned to like mackerel, but that's a different story. I love hate mail. Here are a few of my recent favorites.

I was surprised to hear from this person. But you never know who's reading your blog...

Dear Mr Master of Hose,

I was referred to your natural disaster of a blog by someone who felt sorry for me. I've had it rough the past few weeks, what with my company turning the Gulf of Mexico into a giant toilet. BP makes one mistake, one little explosion on one offshore oil rig, and you'd think that was the only thing in the world that mattered. Sheesh. Let's look at the bright side. The fish that will be caught will be pre-packed in oil! This should save those whining fishermen lots of money. And, anyway, it's the damn Gulf of MEXICO, not the Gulf of USA, but you don't hear the Mexicans complaining. Not that it would matter if they did. When Meg Whitman becomes Governor of California she's going to buy Mexico and have them all evicted. And speaking of Whitman, how about the disgusting slick she left on her little eBay? How come no one is calling for her to clean up all the crap floating around there? Homemade Bert and Ernie merkins and crocheted iPads for Depends and all that other disgusting flotsam. All we did was spill a little crude out in the middle of the damn ocean where, frankly, it smelled bad to begin with from all the pollutants our refineries have pumped into the water for the past fifty years.

And, by the way, we expect to have that well capped very soon with a new plan I devised inspired by a movie I recently watched on the Adult Channel in my New Orleans hotel room. I've got my engineers designing a gigantic BP! Get it? Butt Plug! Slide that sucker in and, bam, no more icky gooey leakage. The BP BP is sure to work. And it's about time the Earth learned the joy of anal erotica. It changed my life.

Speaking of which, your blog spews more disgusting stuff in one post than our well does in a week. Why the hell hasn't someone tried a Top Kill on you? Oh, that's right, you're not at the top. Maybe someone should try a Loser Kill on your blog. I know you think you're funny, Mr Master, but, really, your jokes are about as funny as an oil spill and twice as toxic. Do all your readers have to wear hazmat suits? You're such a lowlife, I wouldn't abuse you with somebody else's dipstick. Though it does give me great comfort at a trying time like this to know that when it comes to polluting the United States of America, BP cannot compete with the HoseMaster of Wine.

Sincerely,
Tony Hayward


I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by this piece of hate mail.

You No-Talent Fake,

How dare you aim your petulant, pedantic, pusillanimous, puerile, pissant blog at the esteemed judges of the Wine Blog Awards. The eleven of us have more talent put together than you have
in your little finger! Our selections for the prestigious Wine Blog Awards, which are not called Poodles, Right, Wine Blog Awards Trophy by the way, but the Doodies, after the greatest wine blogger in history, the very wet dream of wine marketing people everywhere, 1WineDoody (and don't go making any scatalogical remarks about how Poodles Doodie all over the Wine Bloggers' Conference either, Enema Breath, we don't appreciate that sort of name-calling), are perfect. Hey, you don't even know us, how dare you insult us! We weren't asked to judge the quality of wine blogs because we're stupid. That was just a bonus.

We know that you think you deserved a nomination for Best Writing on a Wine Blog. Yeah, right, fat chance. We're giving it to Heimoff and that's the end of it. The guy won't speak at the Conference if we don't, and our first choice, Ron Popeil, turns out to be dead. We want to give the Doodie to the Negress because she's cool and, well, now that Obama has made it hip, it just made sense, but we have to give it to Heimoff. By the way, that voting thing, well, let's just say the WBA uses the same vote counting technique as Kim Jong Il. There are always fools that vote and believe the popular vote carries 50% of the weight. Sure it does. And Kobe Bryant never travels. We, the judges, picked eight winners and thirty-two randomly generated competitors. You don't think we read all that blog crap, do you? Have you read Bigger Than Your Head? The guy writes like Ted Kaczynski, but without the interesting hobbies.

You weren't nominated this year and you won't ever be nominated. You suck. All you do is insult the art of wine blogging as exemplified by our fine nominated wine blogs. These are blogs that are as comfortable and predictable as a "Gilligan's Island" rerun, but with far less drain on the intellect. The nominated blogs know that their job is marketing. Their job is to sell pedestrian wines and fraudulent gadgets and sanctimonious events nonstop and without questions. Is this so hard to understand, CrapMeister? You weren't even close to being nominated. We almost did give you a special award, though. Best Wine Blog to Read Out Loud to Gitmo Detainees.

There's a reason we eleven judges chose to be anonymous, and it wasn't to avoid lobbying from pinhead wine bloggers--as if the predetermined awards could be changed by poorly written emails. We chose anonymity because we deserve it, that's why! Shithead.

Sincerely,
The Eleven Wine Blog Award Judges (not one of whom is a marketing person, we swear, not even one of us, why would that be?)


And, finally...

Listen, Pinhead,

I can't believe you told him. What the fuck were you thinking? You and I had a good thing going. You were the first man in a long time to melt my glacier. You raised the temperature of my globes with your man-made emissions. I worshiped your hanging chad. But now you've gone and ruined it. You just had to brag about it, didn't you, HoseMinuscule? You just couldn't help yourself. And now Al wants a divorce and we have to pretend it's amicable and all just fine for the press, to save Al's jowly face. You just had to post about your affairs with me and Liv Tyler and Robinson Cano, you whore for fame. You just had to declare, "Tipper, Cano and Tyler Too!" Well, I hope you're satisfied. I know I never was.

Goodbye,
Tipper



39 comments:

abc said...

Look a distraction from my endless email thread w/ an author to be named later.
Just remember that we like some marketing folks!

Poodle Daddy said...

Sounds like the mail is getting tamer out your way. I can remember when you had to run your mail through the bomb-sniffing Poodles.

Sorry about you and Tipper. Does Sam know?

Dave said...

Headlines of the future (thanks TopFive.com)

Experts Propose Plugging Massive Oil Leak
in the Gulf of Mexico with Executives of BP
Environmental Scientists counter "Gulf of
Mexico is slimy enough already”

BP Vows to Redouble Its Efforts to Treat Spill Ineffectually

BP Engineers to Consult With Tampax Flow-Plugging Experts

BP CEO's Vasectomy Unsuccessful, More Cutting
Required to Stop the Flow

Efforts to Cap Sarah Palin Appear Unsuccessful

1WineDude said...

I'm gonna have to start keeping track of who mentions me more on their blog, you or STEVE!

Doodie's Daddy said...

Doodie, my son, I mention you more than anybody. Send royalty checks as you promised.

Dad

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Amy Love,

Who's this "we?"

Charlie,

Well, I always told her I liked a big Tipper.

Enjoy her Pastis! Courtesy of Ray "Nothing but Net, or Net Nothing?" Allen.

Dave,

BP set to consult with their lawyers, experts on oily holes.

The whole thing is a total waste of seagulls.

1WineDoody,

I noticed you avoided commenting on my STEVE! post. Very chivalrous of you. And, anyway, you're right. I'm going to go back to endlessly talking about Samantha and the Chronic Negress, which sounds like some kind of Grimm's Fairy Tale or something.

Charlie,

Yeah, Doody is definitely your favorite child. It's that Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy thing.

Thomas said...

Ah yes, a true man of letters is this Hosemaster fellow. Here's my letter to him: Q. Mysterious, isn't it?

Enobytes said...

I predict poodles from every corner of the world will head to the nearest grooming facility to get the latest purple poodle do for #WBC10

Samantha Dugan said...

Poodle Daddy,
Tipper I can deal with, it's the 1WineDoody attention that is beginning to make me jealous....maybe I should go hang out with STEVE!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thomas,

Oh man, I would have thought your letter would have been the Pynchonesque V. Gives me an idea for my next literary parody...

Enobytes,

Aren't you up for a Best Reviews Poodle? Man, that's the Kissing Your Sister Award. Good Luck. Give my regards to all the other Walla Walla Kennel Club guests. And send me a shot of your new Poodle haircut.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Sure, chase the award winners. See what hanging out with STEVE! will get you. Great big Poodle yawns.

Still, I love you!

Samantha Dugan said...

To quote your new favorite, "I'm gonna have to start keeping track of who mentions me more on their blog you or STEVE!" who is chasing the wine blog award winners love? Just sayin'. Just seeking solace is all. It's okay, I understand...its not the ugly scraped up brown shoes is it?
Sniff
Take care of him 1WineDoody
Scratch him behind the ears
Ignore the underpants thing...trust me
Remind him that he is brilliant
Speak of me once or twice...
Sniff

Thomas said...

Now poodles are giving away bloggers to other poodles. This is becoming a cultural phenomenon--either that or one of those circles of rear end sniffing.

Ron,

V is for hacks. Q is for hackers, er, whackers.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Well, they aren't Wine Blog Award winners yet. Not officially. But what are the odds it's going to be Chronic Negress and anybody but America's Sweetheart? So I guess we're basically right.

OK, from now on it's only You. Maybe my next blog parody. "Samantha Sans Frommage." That could work.

Or maybe I should just parody my commenters, the few who don't just lurk around the edges deciding if they'll grace me with their wit and critical skills, whether my latest post is up to their high standards. Sure. That sounds self-destructive enough for me. Most poodles beg for more comments, they're mighty tasty, like little crunchy treats; I seem to be trying to have fewer and fewer.

Maybe I should go to STEVE!'s analyst.

But who I want to see is you, Love.

Commenting Daddy said...

Did you say parody your commenters?

You wouldn't dare.

Samantha Dugan said...

NO! For the love of Gawd do NOT do me...too fragile and junk. I would however be willing to arm wrestle 1WineDoody for ya....

Thomas said...

If you go to STEVE's analyst, then the waiting room will become like the one at the vet's, but only for poodles.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Charlie,

Don't forget, I'm the one everyone calls fearless. Or feckless, I can't remember which. Satirizing my motley crew might be enormous fun. I can feel it percolating in my fevered brain even now...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Don't worry, you won't interview me and I won't parody you. Some things are just written in blogger stone. But writing in your voice would be a lot of fun!

I love you!

Thomas,

Blogging IS therapy, which is why only mentally unbalanced people do it.

I wonder if STEVE! pays extra to have his picture posted at his therapist's office...

Poodle Daddy said...

Hey, hey. Play nice now. STEVE !! does not really have a therapist. He was just joking. He has a tattoist, and every time that STEVE !! feels a little low, he gets another inch added to that tattoo that is creeping up his arm.

And it's a good thing that STEVE !! has a sense of humor because he sometimes gets more comments on his blogs than you do. Not always, of course, because those damn lurkers don't have the cajones to join in. And STEVE !! is such a nice guy too. He never says an unkind word about anyone except other bloggers. That's because he is STEVE !! and you are not.

Sip with Me! said...

At least you get mail. I imagine it's kind of like lovin; any love is good love. No?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Tamara,

I'm not sure I'd equate mail with lovin'. Unless you mean that 75% of it is junk.

abc said...

I believe you said I would be too easy to parody. So I'm off the hook, right?

Enobytes said...

How’d you guess we’re from Arkansas? Hahaha.

Dude, we’re the black sheep of the blogging underbelly. Any chance of winning would require extreme measures like branding our butt or, oh wait a minute, branding the whole side of our loin -- Hell, we already have our branding poodle haircut http://tinyurl.com/2g3whge

…and what’s this talk of you NOT showing up to the Walla Walla Kennel Club?

pgrant8258 said...

Ron, My appologies if my inaugural post was too...I don't know....almost mushy or something. Maybe I was frustrated by some who just don't seem to get it and felt it was time to throw my nickle in.

Thought maybe you and your readership might enjoy this article. Something about it struck me as quietly funny. I kept waiting for the poodles to appear....but alas, no luck! Don't miss the reader comments at the bottom.

http://www.pawnation.com/2010/06/11/local-lowdown-explore-wineries-with-your-dog/


But damn you, man....I told my GF about the Bert and Ernie merkins....let's just say she's folicularly challenged. NOW she wants ALL the Sesame Street characters!...except Miss Piggy? For some reason she doesn't want Miss Piggy. Go figure.

peace always,
Peter

Ron Washam said...

Amy Love,

In some sense, everyone is easy to parody. Then it's just a matter of how sharp a scalpel you use. And, yes, you're off the hook.

Enobytes,

Why in the world would I ruin a perfectly great trip to Walla Walla by going when it's overrun with wine bloggers?! That's sort of like going to a strip club on karaoke night. So, no, I won't be there; nor will I be missed, I'm pretty sure. Man, the whole thing stinks of a thirtieth high school reunion--just going to gawk at how fat and bald everyone is, and try to recapture some sort of imaginary glory.

But have fun.

Pete,

I don't know, I'm just the kind of weirdo who sees a picture of Bert and Ernie and thinks the thatches on top of their heads might be useful as pubic rugs. However, tell your girlfriend to remove the dolls underneath them first before attaching.

And don't use the Count merkins during the wrong time of the month.

Katie said...

Gitmo detainees? I print these magical works of literary art so that I can read them to Miss Puff at bedtime. Last night she had a nightmare about a hose.

Ron Washam said...

Katie,

My blog's been called a lot of things, but never "magical works of literary art." You've spent too much time sniffing the kitty litter.

And who is Miss Puff? And do you wear a merkin on "her?"

I'm awfully glad you came back!

Charlie Olken said...

I am hoping that the above is what passes for humor is someone's brain. It is not funny, but I can respect it as an attempt--if only I could figure out where the attempt at humor lies.

But, absent that, I will simply observe that anyone who writes tripe like that, with nasty intent, and does not have the guts to sign his or her own name is a blogosphere unique--and that is worse than being a Poodle.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Charlie,

It was offensive and sophmoric and I deleted it.

Thomas said...

I must have missed something juicy while out helping my wife do a wine tasting for an alumni reunion.

Forgotten how much I hate doing wine tastings for groups of people out having fun. Here's just one of many conversations I had today:

She: "I like dry red wine. Which whites are you pouring?"

Me: "I'm pouring two Rieslings a Chardonnay and two blends, plus one red wine."

She: "I'll have that."

Me: "You'll have what?"

She: "Not the red one, the white one; the Riesling."

"Me: "We have two Rieslings. One is dry the other is semi-sweet."

She: I like red wine, but I'll try the Rieslings."

I pour the two wines, she says little--and then she talks.

She: "So what's the difference between the two Rieslings that I just tasted."

Me, patience ended: "One was the first one that I poured and the other was the second one that I poured."

Charlie Olken said...

Ron--

Well, it is just as well to have it gone. But, now people will not know why I called the offender a "blogosphere unique". Come to think of it, neither do I.

Guess I meant eunuch.

pgrant8258 said...

GF says she'd rather "tuck" than disembody a childhood icon. Should I be scared?...or applaude her sensitivity?

I've got you on the Count merkin thing...thanks for that advice. And I also know to avoid Cookie Monster....which could only lead to odd things involving Snickerdoodles, Pirouettes and the like...and ultimately funky yeast infections. I know better...I think?

Let's not even get into "Tickle Me Elmo"....

Be well my friend, write me at pgrantrussell@aol.com so we can get caught up on old times without further boring your loyals...and I can go back to the shadows.

peace always,
Peter

Ron Washam said...

Charlie, and Anyone left who cares,

What I deleted was a comment by a Helen Thomas impersonator. It crossed an imaginary line of taste in my head, and was posted anonymously. I didn't like deleting it, but it clearly offended Charlie, and I suspect it would have offended others as well. And if anyone is going to be blatantly offensive around here it's going to be me.

I had to read your response twice, Charlie, to get that you meant "eunuch" instead of "unique." I'd say there's an impotent distinction between the two.

Pete,

My email is also easy to find on the About Me page of the blog. But don't go back to the shadows--there are far too many lurkers there as it is. So don't bend over if you drop your keys there in the shadows, most of them are not uniques.

Thomas said...

A Helen Thomas impersonator--if that isn't a unique niche I don't know what is.

Does this anon play Vegas?

Wines for the People said...

Quote:
She: "So what's the difference between the two Rieslings that I just tasted."

Me, patience ended: "One was the first one that I poured and the other was the second one that I poured."
End quote.

And who ever said wine descriptors could not be objective?

Kathy said...

Hosey honey,
As you are not going to Walla Walla because you are exercising your initials and going to Bordeaux for the "every four years we hold an international symposium?"
I ask you, sagemaster, why are the IMWS and the NAWBC at the exact same time?
It is apparent that London bloggers with initials, including OBE (which, when you renounce your citizenship in favor of the Queen and get one, comes before MW but Debrett's doesn't address this exactly), chose to go to Bordeaux. Is it because Ryanair has yet to come true on its daily Google Alert that it will start flying without toilets to Walla Walla?

p.s. Bordeaux is a lovely city in spite of the people and the entrecôte so Walla Walla may win on these points. BTW, what's with WikiWallaWalla? Has PaulG said anything about onion pairings?

Kathy said...

Oops. I was supposed to be saying:
ARE you are not going to Walla Walla because...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Kathy Sweetie,

I'm not a symposium kind of guy. It seems like most of the Poodles put the simp in symposium. Not to mention that I'm not sure I'd get the warmest welcome from my fellow bloggers. I know a few of them like my foolishness, but far more take offense, which I'm very proud of.

And a couple of days listening to a bunch of average, at-best, writers talking about finding your voice, well, I'm not sure I could maintain what little sanity I have left. Follow that with the endless drone of "monetizing" your blog, and, well, there isn't enough great wine in Walla Walla to destroy my boredom.

But, God, I hope the Chronic Negress wins!

Kathy said...

Of course you're not going to either. But it would be nice to get an OBE. We may have missed an opportunity as part of the BP deal.

Samantha Dugan said...

Damn adorable you....

Just missing you and visiting old posts to fill the void.