Thursday, June 24, 2010
Pinotage, Poodles and Poetry
I usually like to post pieces about one subject. I have this regulator in my brain that tells me how long a post should be, how far to take the tastelessness, when to quit. It doesn't work, but I have one. But I thought this time I'd just improvise a bit, give you poor suckers a glimpse into my twisted mind, let you see what runs through my head when I'm driving, or sitting on my redwood deck flipping off bluejays. Herewith, some very random thoughts...
Every four years the World Cup comes around and I am forced to talk football with strangers. I hate soccer. It has to be the stupidest game in the world, unless you count wild turkeys. After all, what sets us apart from our animal brethren is our ability to think and the use of our remarkable and dexterous hands--so I know, let's play a sport that doesn't allow the use of either! Let's use our head not for our highly evolved brain, but for whacking a ball into a net. What other sport doesn't allow you to use your hands? Sado-Masochism? The guys lining up to defend a penalty kick need a "safe" word. "CHOCK FULL O' NUTS!" might work. And what is with the penalty cards? How stupid is that? The officials pull out a flash card, yellow or red, after one guy kicks another guy in the shins. Two yellow cards or one red card and you're expelled. Sounds like those home pregnancy tests. And do we have to drink South African Pinotage while we watch? Pinotage is a hybrid grape created by crossing Pinot Noir with Garbage. Wake me when it's over.
Why haven't more famous poets written about wine?
When they bring
"Oak" is the thing with feathers
That perches in the wine--
And squirts its waste and woody doo--
Upon this head of mine.
I've heard it in the chillest Chard--
And on the strangest Zin--
Yet, never, will it ever end--
You just can't fuckin' win.
I sing the blog electric,
The armies of me I love engirth me, and I engirth them
They will not let me off until till I speak in third person, accept free samples,
Embrace corrupt, and charge them full what my blog is worth.
I'm sure you're all interested in my predictions for the 3rd Annual Poodles. These are tight, hotly contested categories. Like the Wiener Nationals.
Best Wine Blog Graphics, Other Crap, and More Look At Me I Know How to Work Photo Shop
Swirl Smell Slurp--A blog by a married couple you really don't want to know
Best Industry/Business or Business/Industry or MYOBid'ness Blog
New York Cork Report--We're a third rate region with a second rate blog!
Best Wine Reviews on a Wine Blog That Still Don't Sell Wine
Bigger Than Your Head--Where Adjectives Go to Die
Best Single Subject/Broken Record Wine Blog
Catavino--If only Iberia Had an "S" in front of it
Best Winery Blog Considering How Much They Have to Lie
Tablas Creek--If We Were In Napa We'd Be Really Important
Best Writing on a Wine Blog Unless You Don't Skim
Steve Heimoff--You Like Me! You Really Like Me!
Best New Wine Blog That Won't Ever Make It
Drink Nectar--It Just Seems Like I've Been Around Forever
Best Overall Wine Blog That Makes the OWC Look Good, Which Ain't Easy
1WineDude--Because I Can Do This In Your Sleep