Monday, August 2, 2010

Introducing Carbon Footprint Wines




It certainly seems like every winery on the planet is jumping on the Green band wagon in an effort to sell wine. Organic, BioDynamic, Vegan, Techron, OxyContin, Martinized, Fleet--these are the words now commonly found on bottles of wine and in winery marketing brochures. All in an effort to convince wine buyers that not only will the wine get you trashed, but you can get stinko with a clean conscience. And, really, it takes so little effort on the consumer's part, requires virtually nothing except you believe what it says on the bottle, and you can spend all evening congratulating yourself that you've done your part to save the environment. Not like the BioDynamic winemaker who's flying off to South America, as he does several times a year, after Harvest to consult, and help make their vineyards "green." Luckily, United Airlines uses BioDynamic jet fuel. And it's not like you have to drive a fuel-efficient car, for God's sake, that's insane. Every 105 lb. woman needs to drive a four-ton SUV. For safety, dammit! But I shop at the farmer's market, and my wine is made by BioDynamic monks who never kill European grapevine moths
, they just capture them, thank them in French for their love of vineyards, and release them in their neighbor's non-organic vineyard where they'll be Dow-chemicaled to death. It's a win-win.



However, I have recently come across one winery that is bucking the Green trend, a winery following its own unenlightened path.



CARBON FOOTPRINT WINES

Our motto at Carbon Footprint Wines is "A bigger footprint gets us closer to our destination." We believe that climate change is real and unstoppable. And while others see this as a negative, we see it as an opportunity. An opportunity to speed up climate change, get this whole thing over with, end the suspense and get right down to extinction. We're not killing the whole planet; Nature will survive, it always does, we're just killing off ourselves, the human race, an entirely worthy goal. When you open a bottle of our Carbon Footprint wines you can rest assured that we've done everything possible to not only make the wine delicious and satisfying, but we've also done everything we can to have degraded our natural resources and contribute to greenhouse gases. You have our word.

In order to produce the finest wines possible, grapes need to have the least competition possible. Every insect or weed, every living thing in the vineyard, detracts from the vines. This is simple scientific fact. At Carbon Footprint, we spray every single available herbicide, pesticide and fungicide over and over again until the only living thing in the vineyard is the grapevine. We've even contracted with the state of Arizona to have them ship us their suspected illegal immigrants to work in our vineyards where they spray without the benefit of masks and hazardous gear and soon cease to be a problem. The result? Award-winning Cabernet! Yes, Senator John McCain has given us an Arizona Medal of Freedom for our 2007 Cabernet Sauvignon "Wetback Reserve."


And that's not all we do here at Carbon Footprint Wines. We make sure and plant on our steepest hillsides for the best soil erosion results, leeching lots of chemicals into our local streams and ridding them of annoying piscine pests. Hillside vines make for fabulous Carbon Footprint Zinfandel, which sucks with fish anyway. And we recently dynamited our caves and built a gigantic air-conditioned warehouse so that you can be certain that every bottle of Carbon Footprint Chardonnay will be in perfect condition after its stay in our electricity-guzzling storage facility. And, luckily, the cave was where so many of our Arizona friends were living!

Naturally, every bottle of Carbon Footprint wine weighs several pounds. Many people will believe that we use a freakishly heavy bottle for marketing purposes, to try and make our wines seem more serious, more valuable. But that's not the case. We use heavy bottles to drive up the consumption of fuel in the various vehicles used to deliver it, and, of course, to prove we have a bigger penis than anyone in the wine business. Just try to pick up a bottle of Carbon Footprint "Adios Coho" Zinfandel with one hand! Don't hurt yourself! It's a Hernia in a Glass. In God We Truss! A case of these babies weighs more than your ego-, oh, sorry, eco-friendly Prius. It has a bottom you can fit a cake in. A Bundt punt. But, please, we're begging you, don't recycle it. Why not just toss it through your neighbor's solar panels?


We do hope you choose Carbon Footprint wines to serve to your friends and family. We're destroying the earth so you don't have to.

Here are some recent reviews from notable wine bloggers:

"The Carbon Footprint 2007 "Polar Burial" Sauvignon Blanc is really, really good and shows the grape's typical aromas of gunpowder, nasal spray and RAID! It's brilliant! The music to go with it is Baby Got Back by Sir Mixalot." This sample was provided by the winery in the knowledge that I would praise it. --Wine Hurl Lots

"A complete surprise to me was the quality of the 2007 Carbon Footprint "What Glaciers?" Merlot. I know Merlot isn't the most popular drink right now, but this is far and away the nicest Merlot I've drunk through a straw (I couldn't lift the bottle) in months!" --Chaim Steveoff

"For the 2008 Carbon Footprint "Tribute to Roundup" Pinot Noir is farewell in a bottle. Farewell to my ancestors, upon whose shoulders I stood, before dandruff shampoo. Farewell to the beauty of the Adriatic, the bounty of the sea denuded and destroyed and delicious. Farewell to the stories of the old masters whose wisdom has been ignored in the making of this wine, a fine Pinot Noir that may almost be worth the degradation of this perilous planet we call home for now, but not for long. Farewell to the meals shared with grateful wineries who call me Jupiter. Farewell." --On the Wine Trail in Flipflops



27 comments:

abc said...

BioDynamic monks?
What about the nuns?
Hmm. . .I think someone just said something to me yesterday about men getting all of the attention.

-A

ANONYMOUS I said...

I purchased a bottle of Carbon Footprints' "Global Warming" Ice Wine. "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!"
*****
A friend of mine who's a proctologist is a big fan of Cabernets in those freakishly heavy bottles with a big punt. You should see the smile on this fellow's face when he leans forward to pour a glass of this stuff (95 points from The Wine Evangelist!).
*****
I'm looking forward to reading Alice Feiring's tasting notes on the CF Wines.

ANONYMOUS I

Arthur Esteban Franciso Maria Conchita Alonzo Conception de Corazon de Jesus de la Vina Przebinda, MD, PhD, PDQ, ret. said...

"Tribute to Roundup"

God love ya!

Samantha Dugan said...

I'm sure they wrap each bottle in paper, slip each one in a little plastic sleeve and ship in wooden cases too

Anonymous said...

Thank God we are nearing the end of this absurd fascination for, and veneration of, so-called Natural and Biodynamic wines. As one who is keenly following the last gasp of American hegemony and Capitalist Road-ism in its "democratic" forms, I applaud Carbon Footprints' efforts to provide a bravura ending on the Golden Age of California Wine with an all-ultra-everything approach that speaks to the highest ideals of US excess and hubris, along with its salutary devaluing of "sustainability" (what means this really?), "modesty," "restraint," "good taste" and the ever-contemptible "concern for others."

Our mantle of mindless consumption and mean-spirited arrogance may be passing to China, but we'll give the Chinese something to remember us by -- and emulate -- as their Century swiftly unrolls its scroll of infamy.



Strappo,
A True Patriot

Marcia Macomber said...

Oh, my! Let me unbuckle my stiletto-heeled footprint for a moment to let out a long-needed chuckle after a week of family visiting. (Yes, I laugh from my feet. It's a talent.)

Many favorites here, but the best must be: "We're destroying the earth so you don't have to." Just precious.

My sainted stepmother pointed to the biplane circling overhead yesterday while we were unwinding on the Ravenswood patio and stated it must be readying to 'dust the crops.' (Somebody's watched North By Northwest too many times!)

Obviously, she too, is a wine club member at CF Wines! She must love all the yummy sprays!

Ron Washam said...

Hey Gang,

Dammit, we're Americans, we're entitled to the Earth's resources. We've cornered the market on lithium and hypocrisy, and we won't rest until we use it all up. That's what "Carbon Footprints" wines stand for, the great American traditions handed down from our Forefathers of Hucksterism and Consumerism. Those are the First and Second Amendments, right?

Anonymous 1,

You've anticipated one of my next, if not my next, post with your Alice Feiring remark...

I don't know, should proctologist and big punt be allowed in the same sentence? I think I just clenched.

Strappo,

Weren't you one of the Marx Brothers?

I don't think I've heard more disingenuous marketing drivel in the wine business since the screwtop was invented. Believing that a wine is "sustainably farmed" because it says so on the label is like believing the magician when he says he's never met the person in the audience. They love to use the willing suspension of disbelief in magic and marketing, and now it's all about "natural" wines.

Marcia Love,

Thanks for chuckling at my nonsense. And, of course, I aim for "precious."

Ravenswood, eh? About as sustainable as a Mel Gibson marriage.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Don't you just love the fancy packaging of some wines? I always wondered why your late friend Didier Dageneau, a very gifted winemaker and all-around iconoclast, farmed BioDynamically then put the wines in twelve-pound bottles. He's not the only one, of course, but, still, it's odd.

I love You!

Puffing Daddy said...

It is about time that you picked on all that is right and holy about healthy living. Who the hell needs to live all that long anyhow. Old guys like you and me and Chaim Steveoff; we don't have much time left so why worry. It reminds me of the time I went to a BioDynamic Revival Meeting, er, I mean seminar.

We got right down on our knees and thanked Rudy Steiner for inventing cow shit--or was it cow horns. Rudy did not know it at the time, of course, but killing off all those cows so we could bury their horns was good for the planet. Those bovines produce more bad gasses than Rush Limbaugh.

OK, I exaggerate. Rush produces more bad gasses, but you get my meaning.

You may not believe this, but the Revival, er, I mean seminar, ending with the worshipping of some guy named Don Demeter. Come on folks, the guy was a lifetime .265 hitter. I think he used to caddy for Duke Snider.

Thanks for calling attention to Carbon Footprint Wines. I would stay longer but I have to go outside to smoke a cigarette.

Ron Washam said...

Charlie,

You don't have to kill the cows to get their horns, but it's easier. Most folks just buy the horns from slaughterhouses and stuff them with the manure (people crap, but cows manure) from lactating cows, as seen on reality TV. And, as you know, it's not the farts that cause the greenhouse effect, it's the belching. So it turns out "Silent But Deadly" is a misnomer.

I wonder how many Puffs, er, Stars, the Carbon Footprint wines will receive.

Don Demeter played most of his above average career with the Phillies and somehow ended up certifying BioDynamic practices. Must be an old fart.

Thomas said...

Demeter got the idea after realizing that his Louisville slugger was made of wood, from trees. In fact, he was traded for hugging his bat--in pubic.

blacrie: whiskey that plays tricks on you.

Demeter Daddy said...

<< Demeter got the idea after realizing that his Louisville slugger was made of wood, from trees. In fact, he was traded for hugging his bat--in pubic. >>

You're sure about this, Tom? I mean, we have seen players adjust their cups and jock straps in front of cameras, but, to my knowledge, this would be the only documented case of hugging your bat in pubic.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Charlie and Thomas,

I think Don Demeter at one time had the record for most consecutive errorless games by an outfielder. So he may have hugged his bat too suggestively, but he never dropped his balls.

1WineDoody said...

There's opportunity for a "Reserve" line here as well; how about the "Drown The Pacific Islanders" Reserve Cab, in the extra-heavy, large punt bottle?

Thomas said...

Charlie,

I'd like to take credit for making a pun, but what really happened is that I screwd up my otherwis stellar typin talent and missed a leter--either that, or I made a Freudian slip, which of course goes with underwear, which of course goes with pubic.

Samantha Dugan said...

And people say I talk dirty......

Thomas said...

Do you, Sam? I hope not in pubic...

Thomas said...

Incidentally, isn't the definition of organic material that they must be carbon-based?

So, I submit that a carbon footprint is organic. Therefore, a bigger carbon footprint must be ORGANIC.

Samantha Dugan said...

Shamefully I have been known to use my pubic voice in public

Daddy Is All Ears said...

Pubic voice.

I have heard of wearing one's heart on one's sleeve, but this is a new one to me.

Unless you are going all "Harry Met Sally" on us.

Samantha Dugan said...

Puff Daddy,
Awe c'mon love, you read my posts, "A wine that wraps its hands around my throat gently stroking the words out of me" me thinks that is a pretty pubic voice.....

Girlanon said...

Oh, y'all did it again. Here I am off to bed and have to get jazzed up after being depressed as Steve! was getting beaten over the head with a CF wine bottle.
Too many great lines in one gulp, Ron.
And, here you are boys, I got my first Louisville Slugger bat while sitting on a Vin-approved bar (at age 5). I love wood (except in my wine).

Girlanon said...

Talking about bottle wrapping (as opposed to rapping which used to be reserved for Cristal).
I vote for Portuguese. Only eco-corks (as in eco-nomy). Bottles wrapped in bubble wrap (which I've found to be a great little kiddie pool solar heater) in boxes wrapped in tape and then plastic then a little more tape. it takes longer to open the box than to write a tasting note.

ANONYMOUS I said...

Wasn't Dodger Don Demeter, old #27, no wait, old #2, or old #7, wait, #24 for the Phillies, #4 for Boston and Detroit and #20 for the Indians...wasn't he the first proponent of the wine (they named after him), DeMeritage? I know he was a fan of wine, since he played on a winning team during the 1959 vintage whose World Series MVP was named Sherry.

While he may not have Hall of Fame statistics, his .265 batting average is significantly higher than most winemakers in Lodi, Temecula and San Luis Obispo, not matter what Alice Feiring says.

ANONYMOUS I

CF Wines said...

Mr. Hosemaster,
Our client at CF Wines is thrilled with your review of our wine concept. Thank you. You surely can see the wines are not destined for long cellaring. Drink now!
You seem to have really caught the flavor of our marketing so once we find a new winemaker (it has been convenient in the last several vintages to hold the memorial at the blessing of the grapes), we'd like to send a case of Adios Coho and SacRed Mountain brands for review. I don't know if fashion is in your portfolio but you may find our "de ravageurs" ISO 22608 gear handsome (free with every case).
As we value your input, we'd like your take on our plan to package CF fresh-to-the-end wines with CF no-wilt produce. One meal does it all. We believe this will sell well to our older automatic renewal wine club members and their inheritors.
But time is running out. I thank you for a quick reply.
CF Wines
"We cover the globe"

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Girlanon,

Love the handle. There's a 12 Step Program I can believe in.

In a wine shop, perhaps all the packaging, as you illustrate with Portuguese reds, makes some marketing sense. As a sommelier, I hated it. I'd never reorder those wines just because it was such a pain in the ass to disassemble. And I'd always make a point of telling the importer or owner just exactly why I was discontinuing his wine.

CF Wines,

I actually believe your 2007 "Nostradamus Was Right" Cabernet will live several years past Armageddon.

And I especially enjoy how you label it Sulfites with a warning that it Contains Wine.

Alfonso Cevola said...

I blame all this on blogal warming.

But I do love the "On the wine trail in Flip Flops" thingie. I might have to steal that one, amigo

Damn you all to hell

cheers,
Alf

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Alfonso,

Steal away. You won't be the first. Maybe you should write a self-parody with that title. Oh, never mind, you're already writing self-parody.

I was wondering when you'd chime in. No worries, I'm certainly going straight to Hell, will not pass GO, will not collect $200.