Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Tweet Smell of Excess
I am frequently asked why I don't have a Twitter account. I don't have any use for Twitter. Twitter is like an Ionesco play--140 characters searching hopelessly for meaning. Twitter is hundreds of thousands of minds without a single thought. It's the viewing audience for the Super Bowl with keyboards. Twitter fills the universe with mindless chatter, allowing everyone to be Maury Povich or Jerry Springer or a troop of baboons. It reflects the culture in ways that aren't especially flattering; it's a funhouse mirror that distorts reality and makes small minds seem large and the trivial seem important. Aside from reading HoseMaster of Wine, is there a bigger waste of time than Twitter? Sure, there's watching "Eat Pray Love," two hours of comma-tose (I preferred the Japanese original "Eat Play Rove"), and there's reading Lettie Teague, but not much else. Twitter is vuvuzelas played rectally. So don't expect to see the ol' HoseMaster on Twitter any time soon.
But if I were on Twitter, this might be what I'd Tweet...
@JayMcInerney Hmmm, JLoBrow, glad you loved Inception--not sure how much Cab Phelps put in it in '07.
DrinkNectar has something really important to say--"He's important!"
Love the new look over at Catavino! Like putting lipstick on a corpse!
WS admits mixup, put Meg Whitman on cover of "California's Greatest Winemaker" issue.
@HelenTurley I know! I can't believe WS insulted you. You're the Greatest Winemaker in The WORLD!
@JLaube I think she's buying it. I'll take a case of Marcassin Pinot Noir. I use it in my Prius every 5000 miles.
Can't wait for my new issue of Mutineer Magazine! Love how they never use words with more than three syllables.
@JayMcInerney Gamay is the grape used for Beaujolais. Camay is soap. Ellie May was on Beverly Hillbillies. Nitpickers!
Burying cowhorns in a vineyard to make better wine is like putting manure in a toreador's pants for a better bullfight.
@MarvinShanken Is that a Cigar in your mouth, or do you just really like racehorses?
Just loved the Vegan Wine Tasting today, sponsored by Natural Gas. You are what you eat!
@StephenTanzer You have a magazine???! Did you hear Parker's dead? Dr. Miller attending physician.
Catavino nominated for European Wine Blog Award in category Best Judges to Win European Wine Blog Award.
@LettieTeague Yeah, I know, he's pompous, but look at it this way, he makes you seem knowledgeable!
@JayMcInerney Yeah, I know, she's dull, but look at it this way, she makes you seem knowledgeable!
@GaryV Sure, I do remember your grandfather. Madman Muntz! Shame you don't have his class.
@HuckleberryJackson Just because "Matanzas" means "slaughterhouse" doesn't mean...
William Foley has announced his purchase of Wine Enthusiast magazine for $100 and a Fred Furth bobblehead doll.
@WilliamFoley Oh, well, easy mistake to make. He's the same size as a bobblehead doll.
@HuckleberryJackson Suggested brands to buy and ruin--Caymus, Silver Oak, Steve Heimoff.
@HuckleberryJackson Sorry, hadn't heard about STEVE! Congrats. "Heimoff" means "homeless" in German.
@SteveH Really? As in "Heimoff to see the Wizard?" Loved the "Lollipop Guild!"
@JayMcInerney Rupert called. Wants you to write expose of Free Radicals in Wine. Excoriate the liberal bastards!!!
@JayMcInerney Means "denounce"