Thursday, August 5, 2010

Wine Bloggers You Can Trust




I was under the apparently false illusion that I had discovered Carbon Footprint Wines. I got suckered into publishing some of their marketing material because I believed I had scooped the wine blogging community. Foolish me. As if I could outwit the parade of brilliant bloggers the Internet has to offer, those titans of wine journalism. Oh, the hubris, the hubris, my aching hubris. I was surfing the blogs, if one can surf in what amounts to a Poodle puddle, and, lo and behold, everyone is talking about Carbon Footprint! Some sort of mass mailing of samples had occurred that gave the top bloggers something to write about, and UPS guys hernias. I've taken the liberty of quoting a few of them here.



SwirlSmellSlurp (Best New Wine Blog, Same as Best Old Wine Blog)

Pinot Noir, "Screw the Ozone," Carbon Footprint, 2008 (sample, retails for $65)

She said: Delightful and Decadent, the heavy bottle reminds me of one of Mannfred's Sine Qua Non bottles, which I can say because I know Mannfred and he admires my palate and I helped him start his winery. Initially, the wine comes across as floral, but the flowers give way to huckleberry, Bartlett pear (Josiah, not the Familiar Quotations guy--damn, my nose is discerning!), and pluots. The wine has a lot of heat, not just a little heat, damned Al Gore kind of heat, but it's the heat that carries it. If the bottle were a bit heavier and the wine a little higher alcohol, it could be Sine Qua Non, a winery I'm very familiar with, did I mention?


He said: I was pretty sure this was Merlot when I first smelled it, but then I thought, why would they put Merlot in a ten-pound Burgundy bottle? It was definitely red in the glass though, so that got me confused. On the palate it was red too, with white undertones. It tasted a lot like red wine and I liked it. Definitely a wine I'd drink for free again because I'm all for climate change because it's really hot here today. Do I seem drunk to you? You'll never guess what I'm rating it because I have my own opinions, really I do, that's what makes us so important.



BiggerThanYourHead (Best Wine Reviews and Little Else)

You'd never know the Carbon Footprint 2007 "Amazing Hurricane Season" Cabernet Franc was made from grapes farmed irresponsibly. I wouldn't have known if they hadn't bragged about being part of the fledgling Brown Movement, a Movement I believe I had this morning. Dedicated to the pursuit of the end of civilization as we know it through the frivolous use of chemicals and fossil fuels, clearly someone at Carbon Footprint knows how to make wine. Now I'm going to tell you exactly what it smells and tastes like, and you can take my description to the bank. I'll be certain to explain my precise terminology so that you can follow along. I make it an iron-clad rule to talk down to my readers, though what choice do I have? Intial aromas of macerated cherries and oolong tea lead to tertiary aromas (aromas from the tertia) of powdered cufflinks and Certs, but without the Retsin. In the mouth, the wine is layered and warm, like my Brown movement this morning, and displays a fascinating sense of doom, which comes from the barriques (or "barrels") which are made from heirloom plantings of oaks from now completely logged and barren forests. Drink now through the Rapture.


Jay McInerny On Wine (Who Says Ignorant Bloggers Can't Get Paid to Write)

We had friends over for a simple meal over the weekend. Bill Gates was looking trim and fit, fashionably skinny like he was a citizen of one of the Third World countries he and the lovely Melissa are always trying to save from themselves. And how handy that they'd brought immunizations for dysentery for everyone. Mick was feeling full of himself and insisted I turn him on to the wines I'd be praising in next week's WSJ column so that he wouldn't be shut out when he tried to buy them. I told Sir Mick that I'd be waxing rhapsodic about the great wines of Carbon Footprint, and that we'd be having some with dinner. The old queen Sir Ian laughed in that funny way of his I adore, as though Zelda Fitzgerald were there with us in spirit having recognized me as rightful heir to her husband's literary legacy.

I'd been turned on to Carbon Footprint by Larry Ellison. It was on his private jet that I first tried the Carbon Footprint "Revenge of the Dinosaurs" Chardonnay and it was a revelation. Why can't all California Chardonnays be this amazing? I was reminded of the great Chardonnays of J.J. Prum, but, perhaps this was not as oaky. I decided to accept samples from Carbon Footprint, though I confess I felt bad refusing their requests for autographed books in return because that violates WSJ's policy of never giving anyone anything.

I was very impressed by one of the wines that I served at our casual meal, the Carbon Footprint "Creeping Deforestation" Grenache, a grape I was unfamiliar with. It reminded me of a good Burgundy, maybe from Joguet, though it wasn't nearly ready to drink. I remarked that I felt like I'd committed infanticide, which inexplicably offended Melissa Gates. As I once said in my best-selling novel, "Bright Lights, Big City," "Fuck her."

WSJ readers will be pleased to learn that Carbon Footprint Wines eschews organics and other cultish Green viticultural practices in favor of massive resource consumption. My boss, Rupert, will be pleased to know that, after Sir Ian is through buggering him.



31 comments:

Sgt. Sassafras said...

that last one should set off a fleury of activity in the blogoshpere

CabFrancoPhile said...

Where's the part where McInerny swoops in to have a taste of the vertical of DRC Gates brought with him on its own private jet carried in a gold collectible case?

Samantha Dugan said...

Yes but what does Chronic Negress say?

Arthur Esteban Franciso Maria Conchita Alonzo Conception de Corazon de Jesus de la Vina Przebinda, MD, PhD, PDQ, ret. said...

You overlooked one diligent reviewer:

http://www.steveheimoff.com/index.php/2010/08/05/brooklyn-chutzpah-or-just-good-clean-ambition/

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Sgt. Sassafras,

I think that's sort of a Morgon conclusion.

I almost did a full parody of McInerny, but, well, he's just too annoying to do for that long. But I may still tackle him, with more thought and a better voice, in the future.

CabFranc,

First off, DRC is BioDynamic and these men are titans of consumption. So I had Ellison give him lots of Carbon Footprint, which, actually, costs more than DRC because of the shipping costs.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

I came THIS close to quoting ChronicNegress, but I've given her enough crap lately. I also came THIS close to doing you. If you get my drift.

I love you!

Arthur,

So now you're fishing for hits for STEVE!? I did that blogger begging for samples bit a long time ago as "Le Petomane of Wine."

Arthur Esteban Franciso Maria Conchita Alonzo Conception de Corazon de Jesus de la Vina Przebinda, MD, PhD, PDQ, ret. said...

Aw, Ron

I'm just being lazy. It's so much easier to copy and paste (as you yourself point out on several occasions).

And you are right about: "Le Petomane of Wine". I can now more clearly connect the dots.

But you simply write so much good stuff, each piece outshining the previous that a humble reader of yours (as myself) cannot be faulted for overlooking or forgetting a piece you did five months ago.

Puff Daddy said...

Geez, Arthur, how soon they forget.

And STEVE! does not review wine. He reviews himself. On the other hand, other than the occasional ride on Rachel Alexander or dinner with Bill Harlan, STEVE! is just another schmoe like the rest of us trying to make a buck. That puts him light years ahead of McInerny whose credentials as a wine journalist are non-existent.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Arthur,

So are you going to go over to STEVE! and post a link to Le Petomane of Wine?

Just kidding.

Puff Daddy,

Since when do you need credentials to write about wine? Especially for WSJ. But you're right about McInerny, he substitutes hyperbole and metaphor for insight and knowledge. But, truthfully, he's perfect for WSJ. Lettie Teague is the one who doesn't fit there. She should be writing the wine column for USA Today.

Arthur Esteban Franciso Maria Conchita Alonzo Conception de Corazon de Jesus de la Vina Przebinda, MD, PhD, PDQ, ret. said...

I did. But we'll see if it gets approved....

Samantha Dugan said...

Mr. HoseMaster Sir,
I believe I do get your "drift" and I have to say that I am absolutely offended. I am shocked that you would speak to me in such a suggestive tone and you have left me with no other choice but to say...you know where to find me.

1WineDoody said...

I almost had a brown movement of my own reading this.

This one might just be your magnum opus (which sounds like a new condom brand, now that I type it)...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

1WineDoody,

I thought it was about time I had a little fun with other Wine Blog Award winners.

And, you know, I kind of like my Carbon Footprint brand. Maybe we can all do a Wine Blogging Wednesday and match the wines with music! I'm thinkin' Heavy Metal. Yeah, like I know anything about Heavy Metal.

Lettie Me Alone said...

geez you guys are tough. why dont you pick on elin mccoy-toy for a change?

Marcia Macomber said...

Why do guys ALWAYS have to write about Brown Movements??? Do you see Sam commenting on this topic on her blog? Noooooooooooooooooo! (#1 WineDoody does get points for his comment, however.)

Curious how the CF "Creeping Deforestation" turns out to be a Grenache...a more 'woody' vine trunk than other varietals...Hmmmm

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marcia Darling,

Guys are just more full of it than women.

And, what, no favorite line? I'm crushed.

I guess I put the doody in 1WineDoody.

Marcia Macomber said...

Yes, of course, guys are more full of it than gals.

Favorite line? There were too many.

But now I think you can expand to Mr. Wark's take on CF (complete with appropriate typos). How about "Top 10 Reasons Carbon Footprint Wines are Leading the Industry in a New Direction"?

Word Verif: glogy

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marcia Darling,

Too many favorites? OK, I'm going to let you off the hook and believe that.

So, what do you think, another round of bloggers reviewing Carbon Footprint? Tom's take might be more like "Carbon Footprint and the Collapse of the Top Tier of the Three Tier System." Vornography might be "I Sold Out Carbon Footprint in a Day." Alice Feiring, well, almost too easy to equate exploitation of natural resources with Parker, death and loneliness. Oh, it goes on and on, ultimately proving my now jejune point that wine blogs have a single subject--the blogger.

Marcia Macomber said...

"CF and the collapse of the top tier" - oh, i luv it! And, yes, Alice is too easy on this one. But, see? You've already got a host of new ideas... And usually you're off and running to the races (or keyboard) once you get the titles...

Oh, could it be that the Top Tier collapses from the weight of those damn bottles?

Word verif: "Pative" - Is that like that Pastis stuff???

Thomas said...

"I was reminded of the great Chardonnays of J.J. Prum..."

Mahvelous.

And what is the best thing to do with a brown movement? Do that with a copy of the WSJ (or USA Today) and you'll back up everything for a while, but it would be worth the inconvenience, no?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Yes, Marcia Darling, you got it! The bottles collapse the top tier fulfilling all of Tom's dreams and leaving him an empty wine Don Quixote tilting at windmills. Oh so poignant.

Maybe I should make this a continuing series in the manner of the Guide to Grapes... Anyone?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thomas,

I used to line my birdcages with WSJ, but now I'm guano stop.

USA Today, after a Brown movement, makes your ass look like a mandrill's.

Marcia Macomber said...

But I've got a great windmill for Tom to tilt...at (damn, where does the preposition go now?)!

You see, Consternation Brands (parent co. of CF), in a strategic move to create a whole new consolidated consternated channel, decided it was time to capture both the wine and beer consumer markets by combining the products.

Now CF has a 2nd label it's been saddled with, Carbon Beerfoot. Its inaugural line on beer-wine blends will (wait for it) consternate the entire (remaining) tier system as well as all the legislative bodies that mandate the regulations surrounding these alcoholic beverages.

Tom can tilt at this new project.

Thomas said...

"But I've got a great windmill for Tom to tilt...at (damn, where does the preposition go now?)!"

Since you ask, recast: But I've got a great windmill at which Tom can tilt.

The bill is in the mail, or do you have PayPal?

Kathy said...

Yes! Wine Bloggers You Can Trust, a compromising series.

Kathy said...

Authors Night at the East Hampton Library Saturday, August 14, 2010, 5pm- Meet Candace Bushnell, Jay McInerney & 150 more authors.

No indication of wines to be serve.

Breslin Report--"Just spotted a Pinot Meunier rosé from Rheinhessen & Jay McInerney at the next table."

I see McInerney as a series spinoff...in season 2.

Thomas said...

Kathy,

You misread that notice. It's "Meet Candace Bushnell, Jay McInerney & the 150 celebrities that he can always materialize."

Puff Daddy said...

" Authors Night at the East Hampton Library Saturday, August 14, 2010 "

Just purchased my tickets. Flying out on Friday. What a bonanza.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Kathy,

Everybody seems to like when I make fun of wine bloggers. From my end, it's almost too easy. I enjoy doing it, but I think I enjoy making fun of the business in general even more. And, besides, there aren't a dozen bloggers who have the readership or fame that makes it worth the trouble. But...

Puff Daddy,

I'll meet you there. I love Candace, she put the bush in Bushnell.

McInerny? Yawn. He's the Bulwer-Lytton of his generation.

Joe said...

Picked up a Roger Daltrey reference. Are you pairing wines with music again?

Ron Washam said...

Joe,

Who?

I'll just come out and say it, pairing wines with anything other than food is stupid. Harmless, vapid, meaningless--but still stupid.

Samantha Dugan said...

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
Gawd I think we all miss you!