Monday, February 6, 2012

Quiddick the Critic



Alone in his parlor, his nose at the ready
Quddick the Critic can’t hold his hand steady.
“I’ve spit and I’ve spit like a short-tempered camel
I’ve got very few teeth that have any enamel.

“My liver has grown to the size of Bulgaria
And my blood vessels look like a map of Bavaria.
My gut has grown huge, I’m immense for my genus,
It’s been several years since I last saw my penis.

“But I’ve got all these bottles, these bottles galore
And with nose and with tongue I must give them a score.
Reputations and lives all depend on my skills.
For my hands to stop shaking, I’ll wash down these pills.”

Quiddick the Critic is the King of all Wine,
His power unquestioned, his gift deemed divine.
One sniff of a wine, one mouthful or two,
A number emerges! Like you squeeze out a poo.

“Cassis and vanilla! White pepper and thyme!
Berries and cherries and girly parts’ slime!
Fresh green tobacco and other parts herbal!
The definitive scent of Tom Cruise’s gerbil!

“Muscular, brawny, with elegant tannin!
A sulfurous note as if shot through a cannon!”
Now Quiddick the Critic is ready to score,
“It’s brilliant, it’s classic, it rates 94!”

Thus Quiddick the Critic has ruled wine supreme.
His followers drank up his every wet dream.
With just one simple score he made up in his head
He can banish a winery to Land of the Dead.

But Quiddick the Critic has seen better days
Subscriptions are canceled, he gets no more praise.
His star has been fading, his flock has dispersed,
He was once the big cheese, but now he’s the wurst.

“I have to do something, I must regain my power,
Or I’ll end up like Verjus, incredibly sour.
Maybe I’ll pack up and travel to China,
Maybe I’ll pray that I grow a vagina.

“Everyone knows when it comes down to palates,
That women’s are better, that men’s are like mallets.”
Quiddick the Critic, at this point, was hammered,
He babbled, he dribbled, he droned on, he yammered.

When suddenly there was a knock at his door.
He reached down and picked up his pants from the floor.
“I rate the wines naked and make my selections,
It’s better than blind, and I get more erections.”

Like every wine critic, though Quiddick was King,
His sex life was barren, he played with his thing.
For a woman might want him because of his clout
But that thing in his pants was most like a dead trout.

“Who is it?” he cried, “Who’s there at my door?”
But his queries were answered with silence, no more.
His instincts were shouting, Don’t answer the knock!
It could be a winemaker armed with a Glock!

But Quiddick the Critic could scarcely ignore
His longing to know who was banging his door.
He opened it slowly, his nerves were atwitter.
But instead of one bitch, he found a whole litter.

For outside his door there were hundreds of Poodles,
Short ones and tall ones, all kits and caboodles.
“We’re here to replace you,” they said as a chorus,
“You’re over and done with, you cannot ignore us!”

“You’re Bloggers!” cried Quiddick, “the spawn of the Net!
You’re posers and douchebags and lovers of Brett.
You cannot replace me, don’t you know who I am?
I’m King of the Critics and you clowns are Spam!”

The Poodles were growling, their barking intense.
They gaped at his size, then said, “Let us flense!”
The first to attack him, he thought he had balled her…
But the one with no punch, he knew, “That was Alder!”

They all were upon him. The nuts and the fruity!
The Blake Grays, the Jim Budds, and even WineDoody.
They cut him and bit him and left him for dead,
And felt proud of themselves, at least that’s what they said.

“Now we’ll be the experts instead of that tub.
Our ignorance though, well, Ay, there’s the rub.
But you don’t need knowledge to start your own blog
You don’t need credentials, you just have to slog.

And you don’t need talent, not even a little
You just need a keyboard upon which you piddle
Your underthought thoughts, your impulsive twaddle.
Your useless descriptions of what’s in the bottle.

The world is much better with endless opinion
With more mindless noise from each mindless minion.
We’ll dazzle the wine world, we’ll learn it much faster.
And screw that damn Quiddick and fuck the HoseMaster.”

With poor Quiddick dead all the Poodles seized power.
Consumers were baffled, the wineries dour.
“They all want free samples, they all own the joints!
Old Quiddick, we miss you, your misleading points.”

But critics were dying and bloggers ascendant.
The bloggers not knowing they were codependent.
Without critics to harp on they had little to say
And slowly but surely they all went away.

The silence is welcome, like when you use Bean-o.
No Heimoff, no Alice, the late Dr. Vino.
And everyone’s happy, from shop to consumer.
Wine tastes so much better sans numbers and rumor.

And what is the moral of our tragic story?
For stories need morals like bloggers need glory.
Well, there’s not much to glean from this Seussic disaster—
Except that the sickest is our famed HoseMaster.


20 comments:

Samantha Dugan said...

Oh Love, this was absolutely brilliant.

Carole Meredith said...

Bravo Mr. Grinch!

Art said...

I thought she said "Mr. Gingrich." Whew!

Dean Tudor said...

"All a poet can do today is warn. That is why the truest poets must be truthful" -- Wilfred Owen, WWI poet.

Good stuff, vivid writing, and I have been royally warned...

John M. Kelly said...

I see a book here. Need a parodic illustrator?

KWilk said...

Hosemaster,
Another great post. I have to admit, although sheepishly, that over the last two weeks I've read every post in this entire blog's history. Now that is pretty sad, because if blogging about wine isn't pathetic, spending hours a day reading said blogs sure as hell is. But you have brought me great joy and gut-busting laughs over the last few weeks and for that I thank you.

SUAMW said...

You're quickly becoming the Weird Al Yankovic of wine blogging.

Marcia Macomber said...

Absolutely magnificent!
Might rightly be called a wine blogging ‘incident!’
Such Seussification!
A lexicon Fermentation! (sorry, Tom)
A Quiddick-ination!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Any post that draws the legendary Carole Meredith into the HoseMaster circus is one I'm proud of.

Kwilk,
Wow, a marathon reading of my crap?! Amazing. And you're welcome for the laughs. Thank you for taking the time to send me kind words.

Everyone else,
Aw, shucks.

Thomas said...

“Let us flense!”

Priceless.

How the hell does one get serious work done these days???

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thomas,

I like to think comedy is serious work.

You just need to walk away from the Internet, my friend, that's where all the work gets done---AWAY from the Internet.

Yeah, I've always wanted to use "flense" in a poem. One more thing off my bucket list. The next thing is to try and erase "bucket list" from the vocabulary.

Bowing In Reverence Daddy said...

You can't be serious. Did you make all this up?

Dave Larsen said...

Your couplets
Attack the culprits
And provide hope
Ala Alexander Pope

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puff Daddy,

Well, I made up the poem, not so much whatever truth is behind it. To be honest, it was one of the more challenging pieces to write, and writing it gave me an even deeper appreciation of what a genius Dr. Seuss was. I stumbled about halfway through it, completely lost the Seussical rhythm, and just plowed my way through to the finish. To my way of thinking, it might be a funny bit, but it's lousy Seuss.

I learn a lot about writing from parodying my superiors, and I've always wanted to do Seuss. Wow, it is so hard to do well, to find the music and to generate the surprise that comedy needs all while searching for an unusual but appropriate rhyme. But I like to write my way into difficult places and then try to escape. Therein lies the fun. For me, at least.

Hey Dave,

It was one of those amazing harmonic convergences that while I was writing a parody of Seuss I first heard from the owner/winemaker at Soos Creek. But Alexander Pope? Hmm, I'll take it.

Thomas said...

Nah, Ron, Alexander was too Panglossian for you.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Ah, Thomas,

Thank you for your Candide analysis.

PaulG said...

OK, it really is time for the Hosemonster to make some $$$ of this stuff. Truly world class. A common flense approach to wine. Bravo!

Ron Washam said...

Zardoz!

I used to get paid to do this stuff in a previous life. Now I do it for free--so you get what you pay for. Not sure about "brilliant"--in the wine blogosphere that's a very low hurdle to get over.

Andrea Wilson said...

I bow down to your talent, Dr. Seuss Deux.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Andrea,

Thank you, but I prefer a curtsey.

Thanks for all the gushing praise. I'm a recovering satirist who has horribly lapsed once again. Who knows how long I'll be on this bender before I swear off it again.

And, as I said, I simply cannot carry the genius Suess' luggage.