Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Natural Wines of Splooge Estate



Thank you for joining Ejaculate™, the Wine Club here at Splooge Estate and Winery. You’ll be receiving your first load in the next few weeks, but I wanted to thank you for joining, and outline the many benefits of your Ejaculate™ membership. As you know, Splooge Estate is an organic estate and all of our wines are natural wines. We take every precaution to insure that every Splooge is as natural and as satisfying as it can be. It just tastes better that way.

We’re happy that you’ve joined Ejaculate™ at the highest level, the Mother Load. Four times a year you’ll be receiving a Mother Load of our natural wines. We know you’ll enjoy tasting each and every Ejaculate™ selection, but, rest assured, should you feel that a Splooge is not to your taste, just spit it out and we will happily replace it. That’s our Splooge guarantee.

Your June Mother Load will consist of the three latest Splooge releases:

2011 Splooge “Spray of Pink” Rosé of Pinot Noir
Our natural pink wine is produced from our estate Pinot Noir grapes that are harvested by hand, not using any sharp tools that might harm the stems. Harvesting with grape knives is cruel and painful for grapes. Splooge grapes are harvested by gently twisting each cluster until it gently falls into the fur-lined harvesting basket. Our Rosé is carefully bled from our finest lots of Pinot Noir and then fermented at very cold temperatures using local nuns who sit on the barrels. Serve it chilled with our local bivalves. A recipe for “Splooge’s Famous Cloister Oysters” is included with your Mother Load shipment. For all we care, you can go shuck yourself.

2010 Splooge Estate Pinot Noir “Dos Huevos Vineyard”
We know that you expect your Splooge to be handled with the greatest care. We never use pesticides, herbicides, or fungicides in our vineyards. In fact, we basically ignore our vineyards altogether in order to make the most natural wine possible. We do occasionally walk through the vineyard waving pruning shears, but that’s just to let the vines know we mean business. Our vines are intimidated naturally, not by modern methods that harm them psychologically, like pruning and leaf-pulling or suckering. Ever been suckered? Yes, you have. You joined a wine club.

2010 Splooge Rouge
Splooge grows five different red grape varieties. Well, last time we checked it was five. We don’t really look that often, that’s unnatural. Each of the five (?) varieties is harvested individually. Most are gently twisted from the vines, but we let the Zinfandel fall to the ground when it’s ready. We’ve found that the Zinfandel vines are most comfortable when they decide when their fruit is ready. The grapes are gently picked up, placed in canvas bags from Whole Foods (this makes the grapes feel self-important), and then placed in our specially designed bamboo fermenting bins. Our Splooge Rouge is for when you just feel like Splooging after a long day at work.

Your Ejaculate™ membership has many benefits:

Free Tour of the Splooge Estate (normally $30/person)
One of Splooge Estate Tasting Room Jerkoffs™ will take you and up to five guests on a walking tour of Splooge Estate, explaining the natural way we grow and produce wine. Because we are natural wine producers, this is a clothing optional tour, so wear plenty of sunscreen and put a muzzle on your friendly dog. Along the way you’ll visit our world-famous compost heap, where we not only make our own compost, but we use the internal heat generated to bake our famous Splooge bread! Depending upon what’s available in the garden, your friendly Jerkoff™ may instruct you in how to eat an all-natural shit sandwich! At Splooge Estate, as part of our commitment to nature, we also cultivate rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes help control the rodent population, as well as helping to supply the compost heap with local winery dogs. Except in the winter months, you’re likely to see many of our Splooge Snakes. Just don’t get bit on yours!

Discounts at our many Splooge Events
Our Splooge Estate Events are all about having fun naturally. We put on many events over the course of a vintage, and as a Mother Load Splooger, you are given a sizeable discount. We know that our Sploogers enjoy many strokes, and we deliver! Events change in any given year, but there are certain events, the ones that are the most popular with our Ejaculate™ Members, that are held annually. Don’t miss the Splooge Native Yeast Festival in August! The featured entertainer is Miss Sugar, a local ecdysiast, and guests are encouraged to dress as their favorite yeast and try to convert Miss Sugar to alcohol. Miss Sugar loves the native yeasts and converts easily. Those who are cultured she can barely stand. Needless to say, there’s plenty of Splooge on hand for everyone to enjoy. You’ll also want to save the date in May for our “Unnatural Wines Suck” Celebration. Compare our latest Splooge Estate releases to wines that are not naturally made and discover the difference for yourself. Our neighbors’ wines might taste better, they might have less bottle variation, but our natural wines are wines as God intended them to be—punishment for your sins.

And, finally, our natural wines’ finest benefit

The smugness of knowing you’re full of Splooge
Natural wines are simply better. Natural wonders are better than other wonders, right? Natural foods are better than other foods—only the disenfranchised and poor eat foods that aren’t natural—coincidence? I don’t think so. The only wines that have any meaning are natural wines. Just ask the people who make them. Wine is not made to be enjoyed. Every wine you consume is a political statement, no more, no less. And your membership in Ejaculate™ proves that above all you value everything else over taste.


27 comments:

Full Load Daddy said...

I am confused. I have visited lots of tasting rooms and most of them have Jerkoffs working there.

Is it true that Splooge is the official wine of Christian Mingle?

My girlfriend does not like the taste of Splooge White. Should I get a new girlfriend?

Samantha Dugan said...

I have a customer whose last name is Jerkoffski, maybe I should special order some Splooge Estate wines for her...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Full Load Daddy,

There are many Jerkoff imitators. Only Splooge Estate has Certified Master Jerkoffs.

Perhaps your girlfriend doesn't like Splooge White with so much age. Have her try a younger Splooge White.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Oh, you can try and order Jerkoffski some Splooge, but it's highly allocated. Call me, I can get you lots of Splooge if you want.

I love you.

Oh, God, this Splooge thing may get out of hand...I meant that metaphorically.

Mockingbird said...

Seems it may already be on your hands......

Samantha Dugan said...

So long as its not on my hands..

Mockingbird said...

Don't worry, Sam. You can't get pregnant that way....

Beau said...

I feel bad for whomever has to clean up after those big Splooge parties.

John Cesano said...

Are you sure you're not giving winning a best writing Poodle your best shot with this specimen?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Beau,

I hadn't thought of that--nice!

John,

I won't be winning any Poodles, I'm sure of that. Not with buckets of Splooge Estate.

Dean Tudor said...

Ron, this is so true -- it is not funny.There is a wince factor and many wineries are no doubt "cringing".

I'm going to to route it through our Canadian domestic wine industry -- with full credit to you.

Thomas said...

Ah, the old days of New York's Plato's Retreat...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Dean,

As Samantha can attest, I am fascinated with the process of writing. And since this is my blog, I get to bore everyone with my thoughts on the subject.

The original idea for this piece was to lampoon the ubiquitous wine club, a thought inspired by a post that my friend Tom Wark wrote on Sermontation. The club name, Ejaculate, just popped out--you'll pardon the expression. And then Splooge Estate followed. It just jumped out of my brain, and it made me laugh, so I kept going.

But as I wrote, the piece became about "natural" wines. I like to judge wine as wine, it's really good or it's really not, so I think "natural" wine is a category meant to jerk off consumers. It capitalizes on the current, and important, societal consciousness about being "green," but much of what is written about it is bogus and misleading, and intentionally so. What else is new?

Before my very eyes the piece morphed from a tirade about wine clubs into talking about natural wines as a marketing gimic. I'm thrilled that any winemaker can make wine any damn way he pleases, and the smaller the environmental impact, the better. But the sudden rise of "natural" wine (or "authentic" wine--an even stupider adjective) has been seized upon and rendered meaningless by marketing people eager to sell wine and wine writers eager to sell books. They're all jerking us, and each other, off.

There's been a lot of talk about marketing wine to women with labels like Skinnygirl, and how odious that is. Isn't that really what "natural" wine is about, a way to market wine to women? The nurturers? Wine to nourish the soul, to transport you to a better time when the Earth wasn't ruined by their fathers?

OK, back to the semen jokes.

Thomas said...

Ron,

You simply are a bad capitalist with a sense of irony and a large organ--your brain, that is.

Brad Davis said...

Ron, this all sounds eerily familiar..

Anonymous said...

Every time I call to join Ejaculate, Splooge Estate just gives me the back and forth. I end up giving up before I can secure a current release. I can't say I'm a satisfied customer. Help me, HoseMaster!

Cris Whetstone said...

Terrific satire and a nice rant here in the comments, Ron. I couldn't agree more. There is nothing 'natural' about wine to start with.

"I have an idea! I'm going to rip out all the natural flora and fauna from this here hillside. Then I'm going to use cuttings from plants that were selectively bred back on the continent where they came from and plant them in a manner in which they would never survive or even attempt to grow in the wild. I will selectively prune these plants and twist them into growing how I want on some wires. I will then prune off the fruit I don't want in order to only get the best fruit from these plants. When the time comes I'll select the best of what is left and put it in more natural environments like steel and wooden barrels so that the fruit will avoid its mission of seed delivery. A magical beverage will be created that might possibly occur in nature if some grapes fell into a rock depression and remained there avoid insects and other hungry creatures until it attained an alcohol level somewhere below 14% and was stumbled upon by a benevolent man who spoke a language of Latin roots and sang it's praises to wide eyed denizens of Manhattan seeking the truth in their consumption habits. I will hear their sanctimony and lack of wine making knowledge in order to help me call my creation 'natural wine'."

SommCat said...

I thought all winery tours were clothing optional!!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Anonymous,

I'm afraid I'm not feeling the need to help you with your Splooge issues. Sorry, my hands are tied.

Cris,

Thanks. And thanks for chiming in. Nice to have the lurkers voice an opinion now and then.

There's a whole industry of folks promoting "natural" wines now--writers, importers, wine shops, restaurants--and plenty of suckers who want to feel better about themselves and drink only those wines. It's hooey. "Authentic" isn't much better. Wines can certainly be overmanipulated, and they can also be undermanipulated--but they are all manipulated and about as natural as the clothes we wear.

SommCat,

Bring your cutest girlfriends to Sonoma and let's go wine tasting!

Anonymous said...

As an "Average" man, I have to ask--Does Splooge Estate offer larger formats?

Marcia Macomber said...

This was definitely one of those 'do not drink while reading' posts unless you want coffee or wine squirting out your nose during a guffaw.

Lawdy, I do hate "Authentic" this 'n' that 'cuz they never are as soon as you feel the need to use the adjective. (Sigh.)

Dear HoseMaster - The Ejaculate(tm) wine club immediately made me think of a certain Danish winery's proprietary red blend name over here this side of county line. (I won't name names here in public, but it does sound oh, so pretentious!)

Yes, I nominate this single post for a Poodle!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Anonymous,

Well, yes, but only the black varietals.

Marcia Love,

I think you've summarized "Authentic" as well as anyone. A HoseMaster "Comment of Merit" for you!

I keep thinking I should create some categories for the HoseMaster's Poodle Awards (some that I previously listed), and take nominations. I spent a few minutes at the Wine Blog Awards website scrolling through the current nominations (yikes, I was nominated--like that'll happen) and clicking on some unfamiliar links. WOW! Who says talent isn't dead?

As an aside, when I wrote this piece I was sure it would be a flop. But I liked its rhythm and weirdness. And I am always a horrible judge. So I painfully hit the "Publish" tab. The world, I decided, runs on Splooge.

Marcia Macomber said...

You and Samantha both hit Publish rather 'unexpectedly.' I loved her post too. (Although I think she mentioned she doesn't remember writing OR publishing her post at all.)

Yes, the rhythm in this piece was lovely -- like scannable prose -- as all good comedy is!

Ooo! A "Comment of Merit"! I shall always cherish this 'authentic' award. :-)

Samantha Dugan said...

Dang it Marcia! You aren't supposed to nark out my PUI (posting under the influence) in front of the grown ups!

Thomas said...

Grownups? On this blog? Get real, Sam...

Dean Tudor said...

Just heard back from a few folks in the Canadian wine industry. Many thought it was spot on, and they winced and cringed (sort of like "Curb Your Enthusiasm") -- too true a story. Others thought that a hacker had taken over my account, and gave me sympathy (not money). One said: "Apparently, my winery needs to be more cutting edge..."

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thanks, Dean,

I like the choice of "spot on" with Splooge Estate. Glad my Canadian friends (?) enjoyed my "natural" comedy. And I hope they sneak across the border to visit me again soon.

Catie said...

Dear Hose,

Would you recommend Splooge wines with this paricular food pairing? And when I say "pairing" I believe there was a pair to start with.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/24/asexual-mao-sugiyama-cooks-serves-own-genitals_n_1543307.html

Oh and by the way. Stop picking on us poodles, you big meanie.

Hugs!
C~