Monday, May 21, 2012

Wineries Need to Jump On the AntiSocial Media Band Wagon



When it comes right down to it, the wine business is habitually slow to capitalize on new societal trends. This is because alcohol dulls the brain, though it does make you wittier and more attractive to immovable objects at high speeds. Wineries have been notably inept at utilizing FaceBook and Twitter, and most winery blogs read like they were written by a committee of lawn furniture. They’re about as engaging as C-SPAN, but without the guffaws. But the Social Media revolution has passed. Everyone is on FaceBook. It’s the modern day White Pages—genuinely influential people are unlisted. Twitter is the finally realized statistical dream of an infinite number of chimpanzees typing on an infinite number of keyboards while waiting for “Hamlet” to suddenly appear.

What’s happening now is AntiSocial Media, and wineries and marketing people would be wise to jump on the AntiSocial Media wave before it too becomes overpopulated with the endlessly self-absorbed Millienials. Pay attention, now, here is the HoseMaster’s Guide to AntiSocial Media.


FakeBook

It’s a world filled with phonies, and now there’s a place online where they can congregate, network, and continually lie to each other—FakeBook. FakeBook celebrates everything shallow and disingenuous about our culture—so what better place to sell wine?! Users can create their own FakeBook page and fill it with their imaginary credentials, meaningless accomplishments, and spontaneous, ill-informed opinions. (So it’s like FaceBook, only honest.) Then you can link to whomever you hold in contempt. It’s a great way to spot a fake. Imagine how many “Deriders” a guy like James Suckling would attract! And what an honor it would be if he “Derided” you back. Last I checked, Jay McInerney had 3500 Deriders—pretty good, unless you consider that he has enormous contempt for more than two million readers of the Wall Street Journal.

I would encourage wineries to begin a FakeBook page as soon as possible. FakeBook is a place where you can proudly display all the Gold Medals you’ve won from prestigious wine competitions like the “International Nose Jobs Gone Wrong Invitational,” the “Special Olympics for Wine,” and the “Enter and Win A Gold Classic.” Wineries can also use their FakeBook page to pretend their wines are allocated, a time-honored winery tradition that translates perfectly onto FakeBook’s platform. In fact, all of the traditional wine marketing ploys are exactly right for FakeBook—no need to alter those shallow and disingenuous techniques for this platform! Now imagine that James Laube gives your $150 Cabernet made from “ambient yeast,” whatever the fuck that means, 84 points. You can immediately hold him in Contempt on your FakeBook page and be pretty certain he’ll Deride you back. On FaceBook you would never point out that Laube had a rare case of tongue stroke, which paralyzed the left fork, but on FakeBook it’s considered mandatory to do so. That’s the beauty of FakeBook.


Squealer

Squealer is what Twitter aspires to be. Members generate as many “Oinks” as they like every day, but the Oinks are not allowed to have any words that are more than two syllables. This is AntiSocial Media, so the object is to play to the lowest common denominator and then make fun of them. The most successful Squealers will be a combination of plagiarist and illiterate, two words not allowed in Oinks, but skills that are useful in Social Media as well.

How is Squealer useful to wineries? Where else can you gather so many stupid people to follow your thoughts, make them believe they’re important, and, ultimately, buy your wine as thanks, while openly berating them? As well as keep them informed about new releases and upcoming events. Here’s a few sample Oinks to keep in mind:

“New Picpoul release today. It’s white, like a polo team, like everybody in the wine business, like Casper’s sheet hole, moron. Buy some.”

“Farm to Table Dinner Tonight. What goes with horse? Marelot?”

“New Pinot rates 88! It’s good enough for you.”

Twitter is so yesterday. The Millenials don’t Tweet any more, they Text. Twitter is for the lonely, delusional and thunderstruck. Twitter is only for seeing who died in the last ten minutes. It serves no other purpose. The hip are all Oinking.


Yelp

When it comes to AntiSocial Media, there is no improving on Yelp.  It’s where angry ex-employees go to seek revenge, where the opinions of self-important dimwits can cost people jobs, and where the great unwashed masses go to unreservedly complain about hard-working people instead of improving their own lives. Yelp prefigured AntiSocial Media. It created the idea that fear is the best way to create better customer service and that kindness is always second best to generosity. God Bless Yelp.

Wineries should proudly display their negative Yelp reviews on their FakeBook pages and proudly Oink, “Ted from Bumfuck Yelped that our wines blow. We wish him luck with his Erect Tile Dish Function.”


Hate me on FakeBook and Follow me on Squealer @ HoseIdiotofWine!


26 comments:

Samantha Dugan said...

Fantastic tips. I better go put a link to this on Facebook.
I love you!

John M. Kelly said...

I am so with you on Yelp - we celebrate our negative reviews. I'm thinking of linking employee bonuses to them. Our customer service attitude is now "thanks for nothing, asswipe! LET the door hit you on the ass on the way out! Please DON'T come again, douchebag!" It's all good.

amy cleary said...

I feel a need to tweet this.

Mockingbird said...

Ron, Did someone say something about you on Yelp?
You can appeal to its creator: Ted L. Nancy.

Thomas said...

Hey, windbag: it's millennial, with two consecutive n things.

I think I've gotten the hang of this antisocial media.

By the way, the idea of a FakeBook is quite funny. I wanna be there when it goes pubic; no, I did not misspell the word.

Mockingbird said...

Thomas, you'll be disappointed as the FakeBook stock goes limp and flaccid a day after its IPO.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I was hoping that someone would start a Fans Of The HoseMaster FakeBook page. I'm sure in no time I'd have a huge following, and fans would flock to the page to exchange their favorite HoseMaster jokes and write me love letters. When that didn't happen I became bitter, and wrote this piece.

As far as I know no one has complained about me on Yelp. Which is also disappointing.

Social Media hate me.

Wilf G.K said...

And of course on FakeBook you will have a lot of Fake friends. Last year my son was deriding me for not having a Facebook account. He had accumulated 350 friends. A couple of weeks later I visit him again and he was all gloomy. What's the problem? Well his best buddy and friend had just moved back east. What about all your Facebook friends? Well they are not really friends. Needless to say I still don't have a Face book account.

Thomas said...

Ron,


Maybe you should start up an Assbook site and have all the assholes that you skewer become your assbuddies. Or maybe you can start with John's asswipes as your friends--they've already proven themselves.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

G.K.,

FaceBook has begun to make the word "friend" meaningless. Much like Parker has done to "hedonistic."

Thomas,

AssBook? I thought that's what I was already doing. Though maybe it might be more accurately reproduced on the Poodle Awards website.

Samantha Dugan said...

Yeah, I kinda thought I was already one of Ron's assbuddies.

Thomas said...

Sam,

You should be sad that you aren't one of his Bigassbuddies.

Those people receive in-depth consideration.

Whose Tweeting Now Daddy? said...

I never did get Facebook. I tried Twitter and can't stand the useless chatter.

Social media has failed.

The old-fashioned, topical bulletin boards had much more content than FB or Tw.

However, I do see a big future of Fakebook. We can start it here, lure in all the assholes and then let them play in their own muck and mire.

Oops, they are already gathering over on Squealer. There is a contest running there now to decide whether Squealer's nickname ought to be PigPen or BarnYard. Apparently "Raging Brettanomyces" is already taken.

Brad Davis said...

Your "Marelot" phrase made me spit out my morning coffee laughing.

Samantha Dugan said...

I'm starting to think that companies that manufacture computer monitors ought to hire you Ron...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puff Daddy,

Social media is just another word for blather. I'd blather blog.

I was thinking maybe FakeBook might be the name for Vornography's Blog Roll.

Brad,

The only thing worse for you in the morning than coffee is the HoseMaster.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

SOMEBODY ought to hire me...

Samantha Dugan said...

Oh, I've got a job for you....

Steve Heimoff said...

Face it, Hosie, you're just jealous because you have ZERO FakeBook friends!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

STEVE!

And that's three more than I have in real life...

And on FakeBook I'm one of America's Top Wine Bloggers! Right behind Rudy Kurniawan, the King of FakeBook!

My Gorgeous Samantha,

When do I start? Do I have to pass an entrance exam?

WhitsundaysOnline.Net said...

Thank you for the huge belly laugh - replaced 'wine' with 'tourism' and article was just as relevant for our industry.

Dave Larsen said...

Hosemaster, You really came close to the line this time but guess that's why its so funny. I'd add to the thread of humor if I could but thanks for making me laugh.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Dave,

I'm not exactly sure what line you're referring to, but the essence of satire is to walk right up to those lines, put your toes on them, threaten to cross them, make everyone anxious and angry, then not quite cross them.

And, yet, the real point is to evoke laughter at the human condition. So if I made you laugh a bit, then I've succeeded.

Thomas said...

So Hosemaster does lines!

That explains it.

Dave (aka BiPolar Bear) said...

Honorable Master of Hoses,

According to the latest Andy Borowitz report your ASSMAN (anti social shitty media and news) campaign has succeeded in bringing down Zuckerberg.

A Message about Facebook
From Founder Mark Zuckerberg
May 25, 2012

MENLO PARK, CA (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter to Facebook users was issued today by Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg:

Dear Facebook User,

Hi, it’s Mark.

As you may have heard, our IPO last week didn’t go quite as well as expected. How badly did it go, exactly? If you live in a major city, you’ve probably seen homeless guys huddled around bonfires of Facebook stock. More ominously, I just received a call from my attorney telling me that I probably didn’t need a prenup after all.

If you’re a Facebook investor, you already know what this means: it sucks to be you. But what if you’re one of the billion Facebook users in the world? Well, it also sucks to be you, because I am writing to you now to ask for your financial support to help save Facebook.

It's only fair. Since its founding in 2004, Facebook has totally revolutionized the way you waste your life. Without it, you would find yourself in the unpleasant and awkward position of having to speak to your family. And so, to keep Facebook alive, I am instituting the following new usage charges:

-- $1 per poke

-- $5 for every ex you crop out of a profile picture

-- $10 for every time you stalk someone from high school, college, or job you were fired from because of that HR “incident”

-- $15 for every “friend” you have never met (no charge for friends you know, if any)

-- $20 for every sheep, bird, or the Scrabble letters Z, X or Q

With your financial help, Facebook should be around for many years to come, providing you with hours upon hours of pointless and isolating activity. Without your help? I’ve just got one word for you: Friendster.

Help me,

Mark

1WineDoody said...

LOLz I'm so totally ROTFFLMAO that I need to rt this & totally share on all my social medias dude!!!!

Art said...

I got a little behind on my reading, so just finished this and noticed that no one mentioned Casper's white "sheet hole" . . . unless that's what inspired the "Assbook" idea. In any case, it gives me a good idea for this year's Halloween costume. Thanks, Ron!