When it comes right down to it, the wine business is habitually slow to capitalize on new societal trends. This is because alcohol dulls the brain, though it does make you wittier and more attractive to immovable objects at high speeds. Wineries have been notably inept at utilizing FaceBook and Twitter, and most winery blogs read like they were written by a committee of lawn furniture. They’re about as engaging as C-SPAN, but without the guffaws. But the Social Media revolution has passed. Everyone is on FaceBook. It’s the modern day White Pages—genuinely influential people are unlisted. Twitter is the finally realized statistical dream of an infinite number of chimpanzees typing on an infinite number of keyboards while waiting for “Hamlet” to suddenly appear.
What’s happening now is AntiSocial Media, and wineries and marketing people would be wise to jump on the AntiSocial Media wave before it too becomes overpopulated with the endlessly self-absorbed Millienials. Pay attention, now, here is the HoseMaster’s Guide to AntiSocial Media.
It’s a world filled with phonies, and now there’s a place online where they can congregate, network, and continually lie to each other—FakeBook. FakeBook celebrates everything shallow and disingenuous about our culture—so what better place to sell wine?! Users can create their own FakeBook page and fill it with their imaginary credentials, meaningless accomplishments, and spontaneous, ill-informed opinions. (So it’s like FaceBook, only honest.) Then you can link to whomever you hold in contempt. It’s a great way to spot a fake. Imagine how many “Deriders” a guy like James Suckling would attract! And what an honor it would be if he “Derided” you back. Last I checked, Jay McInerney had 3500 Deriders—pretty good, unless you consider that he has enormous contempt for more than two million readers of the Wall Street Journal.
I would encourage wineries to begin a FakeBook page as soon as possible. FakeBook is a place where you can proudly display all the Gold Medals you’ve won from prestigious wine competitions like the “International Nose Jobs Gone Wrong Invitational,” the “Special Olympics for Wine,” and the “Enter and Win A Gold Classic.” Wineries can also use their FakeBook page to pretend their wines are allocated, a time-honored winery tradition that translates perfectly onto FakeBook’s platform. In fact, all of the traditional wine marketing ploys are exactly right for FakeBook—no need to alter those shallow and disingenuous techniques for this platform! Now imagine that James Laube gives your $150 Cabernet made from “ambient yeast,” whatever the fuck that means, 84 points. You can immediately hold him in Contempt on your FakeBook page and be pretty certain he’ll Deride you back. On FaceBook you would never point out that Laube had a rare case of tongue stroke, which paralyzed the left fork, but on FakeBook it’s considered mandatory to do so. That’s the beauty of FakeBook.
Squealer is what Twitter aspires to be. Members generate as many “Oinks” as they like every day, but the Oinks are not allowed to have any words that are more than two syllables. This is AntiSocial Media, so the object is to play to the lowest common denominator and then make fun of them. The most successful Squealers will be a combination of plagiarist and illiterate, two words not allowed in Oinks, but skills that are useful in Social Media as well.
How is Squealer useful to wineries? Where else can you gather so many stupid people to follow your thoughts, make them believe they’re important, and, ultimately, buy your wine as thanks, while openly berating them? As well as keep them informed about new releases and upcoming events. Here’s a few sample Oinks to keep in mind:
“New Picpoul release today. It’s white, like a polo team, like everybody in the wine business, like Casper’s sheet hole, moron. Buy some.”
“Farm to Table Dinner Tonight. What goes with horse? Marelot?”
“New Pinot rates 88! It’s good enough for you.”
Twitter is so yesterday. The Millenials don’t Tweet any more, they Text. Twitter is for the lonely, delusional and thunderstruck. Twitter is only for seeing who died in the last ten minutes. It serves no other purpose. The hip are all Oinking.
When it comes to AntiSocial Media, there is no improving on Yelp. It’s where angry ex-employees go to seek revenge, where the opinions of self-important dimwits can cost people jobs, and where the great unwashed masses go to unreservedly complain about hard-working people instead of improving their own lives. Yelp prefigured AntiSocial Media. It created the idea that fear is the best way to create better customer service and that kindness is always second best to generosity. God Bless Yelp.
Wineries should proudly display their negative Yelp reviews on their FakeBook pages and proudly Oink, “Ted from Bumfuck Yelped that our wines blow. We wish him luck with his Erect Tile Dish Function.”
Hate me on FakeBook and Follow me on Squealer @ HoseIdiotofWine!