Monday, August 27, 2012

The Business of Wine, World of Wine Museum

Hello, and welcome to Business of Wine, World of Wine Museum, located at the former COPIA. We hope you enjoy your visit to BoWWoW. This guide is intended to highlight both our permanent collection as well as our ever-changing special exhibitions, lectures and tastings. BoWWoW is a place where novices and connoisseurs alike can gather to learn about and share everything wine. A portion of your admission is contributed to MADD, just because we like to fuck with them.

Highlights of the Permanent Collection

Here at BoWWoW we have collected some of the best and most famous scores in wine history. Many people have read these scores in various wine publications, but haven’t the slightest idea what they mean or what they look like. Just like being a wine critic! Over the years our curators have managed to obtain many of these scores and they are available for you to view in the exhibit hall to your left. Perhaps the most famous score is 100, a perfect score. It’s here! It may not look like much, but consider the prestige and monetary value that 100 represents. It’s traveled the world, from Bordeaux to Burgundy, from Piedmont to Tuscany, from Spain to Portugal, spreading riches wherever it goes. But notice that if you look at it even the tiniest bit askance, it disappears! All you have to do is walk around it, view it from every angle, and, poof, it no longer exists, it is strictly an illusion. Contributed by Screaming Eagle, which will never see it again, it’s a must-see for every wine lover. And don’t forget to catch a rare glimpse of 89. It’s over by the Wailing Wall. And we also have the 91, once important, but now without any value. History has left 91 behind, sort of like Clive Coates. Finally, make sure and view the antiquated and now-abandoned 20 Point Scale. Once a working scale, it was given to BoWWoW by Decanter Magazine who declared it “old, rundown and useless as Lady Camilla.”

Hall of Aromas
Ever wondered what the great wines of the world smell like? Spend some time in the Hall of Aromas and you’ll discover the olfactory joys of many famous wine varieties. Begin with the brief video introduction by James Laube, which will prepare you for your first olfactory experience, ammonium carbonate. Over there is Riesling (presented by BP), the grape responsible for the great German wines, if there were any. Don’t miss Chardonnay! Ever wonder what Chardonnay smells like naked? Then take your damn clothes off and find out (sponsored by Girls Gone Wild—“Feel like flashin’?, We can cash in!”™). Wander over to Grüner Veltliner, the grape responsible for the wines of Austria, the country that gave us Rudolf Steiner (Austria’s slogan? “Americans will buy the stupidest shit.”), and take a deep breath. What is that? It’s either Grüner, or a vegan farted next to you (sponsored by Hole Foods—no, there is no “W”). When you’re finished with the white varieties (try something new, like Savagnin, it smells like sommeliers), move on to the reds. Start with Pinot Noir. Ever wonder what a great Burgundy smells like? Ha, we tricked you! This is a fake. It’s old Beaujolais mixed with Gallo Hearty Burgundy (sponsored by Acker Merrill). No mistaking the smell of Malbec! Take a deep breath, that’s the smell of MegaPurple, Argentinian marketing and easy money (sponsored by Paul Hobbs). There are lots of nasal adventures waiting for you in our famous Hall of Aromas. And don’t miss the special exhibit running through September, “Brettanomyces!”  You’ll recognize many of the world’s great wines there. It’s not in the Hall of Aromas, it’s located in the Aroma of Hall Closets.

Guest Lectures at BoWWoW in September

James Suckling  “Career Suicide,” A Discussion with Jay Miller and the editorial staff of Zester Daily. Special appearance by the HoseMaster of Wine.

Michel Rolland  “All My Wines Taste the Same: Finding the Kenny G-Spot for Cabernet”

Alice Feiring  “Beating a Dead Horse—Good for Book Sales”

Charles Olken  “They’re not Puffs, Goddamit”

Nicolas Joly  “Just call me Dr. Frank and Steiner: BioD and Brain Theft for Zombies” A discussion with Stu Smith, Mary Ewing-Mulligan and moderator Tawny Kitaen. That’s right, it’s Joly with MulliganTawny Stu.

Angelo Gaja  “Hey, That’s Me Behind Barbaresco, and the Podium”

And don’t miss our upcoming October Special Exhibition, “Great Wine Bloggers of the 21st Century” to be held in the Vineyard Workers Memorial Port-a-Potty, located in the South Parking Lot. Be sure to leave a contribution.


Star Daddy said...

You and Jim Suckling on the same stage. Should be worth the price of admission--as is this blog, my blog and 91 points.

By the way, Star Daddy doesn't have the same ring.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puffy Star Daddy,

Nah, that doesn't work either. Puff Daddy is still the best. Yes, Suckling and I sharing a stage should be amazing. We do a medley of standards that's a show stopper. That Suckling plays a mean accordion.

Marcia Macomber said...

Yes, Puff Daddy is my fave too!

Samantha Dugan said...

Honey, you forgot to mention that yours truly will be set up in The Kissing Booth at “Great Wine Bloggers of the 21st Century” exhibition. There I will be offering smooches for $1.00, (a drastic price reduction from last year as my numbers aint what they used to be) and I'm running a special in the tradition of all "Great Wine Bloggers", ass kissing is FREE!

Alfonso Cevola said...


sometime remind me to tell you the story about James Suckling convincing the Marchese Nicolo Incisa della Rocchetta to make Sassicaia in 1968. Word has it Suckling, at 10, was the driving force in the decision to make Cabernet in the region.
Fascinating tale...

by the way Nicolo Incisa della Rocchetta's nickname at the time was Horsemaster

Blaise said...

Dang, y'all...people from Ky can't count in digits above their fingers and toes (why Decanter's 20 was so good).
And we can't buy wine without being arrested. (No Bourbon, no bail).
Anyway, everybody in Ky has turned tobacco into wine (thank you, tobacco lawsuits) and it will be appearing at the Creation Museum during the Christmas free-for-all, only 5 minutes from CVG.

Kathy said...

Suck Hose, what an event!
Assume Samantha is the moderator.
Where do I get tickets?

Kathy said...

Alfonso, then his stables burned.

Thomas said...


Can't Operate, Please Invent Anew, anew, anew...

BD said...

I hope to see a no holds barred battle between STEVE! and 1WineDoody for social media supremecy at BoWWoW. If STEVE! wins, social media doesn't matter. If WineDoody wins, social media will be declared the answer to all your problems. STEVE! and Doody will be surrounded by a three foot high cage (so they can't escape). The first fighter to score an 89 from the judge is the loser.

PaulG said...

"A discussion with Stu Smith, Mary Ewing-Mulligan and moderator Tawny Kitaen. That’s right, it’s Joly with MulliganTawny Stu." I am SO SORRY - that pun is beyond horrible. That pun is an egregious blot upon the art of punnery. There are limits to how bad a pun can be. You have demolished them. You have pushed the pun fences back so far that no one will ever hit one out of the pun park again. For shame! Oh, and... congratulations.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

OK, so this is proof I have the most interesting and funniest commenters in the wine blogosphere. I'm nearly speechless reading all of your remarks.

And don't worry, Paul, I've got way worse puns up my sleeve.

Thanks, everyone. Nice to be the one having the laughs instead of the one trying to provide them.

Dean Tudor said...

All of this reminds me of the fabulous Paul Masson Wine Museum in San Francisco. It was later packed up in the mid-seventies and moved to Waterloo, Ontario (in the middle of nowhere) as Seagram's had bought Masson and inherited the museum. When Seagram's was sold (or dismembered, accounts vary) the Museum was shipped off to quite a few places, including some universities and other wineries. The integrity of the collection was compromised since it was scattered.

Quite a pity, but at that time nobody but me seemed to have noticed.

Museums? Who Conrad said, "Pass the bottle."

Thomas said...


If you have any further information about the Paul Masson Museum, I'd like to know about it.

I can use it for the book that I am writing. Email me.

Incidentally, I am involved as a volunteer to create audio-visual programs for a new Finger Lakes Wine Museum. A DVD will be out within two months.

Dean Tudor said...

Thomas, will do, I'll put out a call..

STEVE! said...

Actually, the Right Reverend Hosemaster will be uniting 1 Wine Doody and me in Holy Matrimony and y'all are invited! We're registered at BevMo.

Steve Heimoff said...

I visited the Paul Masson Museum when it was located in SF. Very impressed by the stuffed corpse of Orson Welles. So lifelike.

Ron Washam, HMW said...


I remember Orson. The funny thing was, he was stuffed with sausage and bread crumbs.