Monday, September 17, 2012

Splooge Estate: The Fall Release Newsletter


Is there anything more satisfying than a new release of Splooge? Not as far as we can tell. We know how eagerly our Ejaculate™ members await their Fall releases. Don’t hold back! Your Splooge is on its way! You’ll find out more about the new wines below, but first we have a Harvest Report and News!

2012 Harvest

This looks to be a near perfect Harvest for the natural wines of Splooge Estate. Many wineries make false or disingenuous claims concerning how naturally their wines are made, utilizing marketing doublespeak like “sustainable,” “green,” or “LonelyAliceBait.” But no winery anywhere makes wines as naturally as Splooge Estate. We take extraordinary steps to insure that our wines taste and smell as though they made themselves right in the vineyard without any unnatural acts taking place at the property. Except for the sheep, but they were asking for it. And what goes better with Splooge than mutton?

We believe 2012 is our finest vintage to date. But we don’t really know, we just believe that. At Splooge Estate we allow our vines to do as they please, trusting that they know best, part of our philosophy that stems from admiration of Mother Nature’s wisdom as well as our being incapable of actually farming or making wine. Most wineries ruin their wines in late winter, before the new vintage even begins, with the cruelty of pruning. Authentic Natural Wines are made from grapevines that are never touched by man. Pruning is barbaric. At Splooge Estate, we don’t Lorena Bobbitt our vines any more than we carve our initials into them, a practice common at Harlan Estate. The same for goes for suckering, which makes the vines feel unattractive, as if you were popping their zits. No “ne pus ultra” wines at Splooge Estate.

Harvest began on September 7th, or thereabouts. Time is yet another of man’s constructs that harms wine. Why is it always about when? When to Harvest, When to Drink, When to Suspend Disbelief? We don’t care about When. Or How. Or Why. We make Natural Wines, we don’t need to care. At Splooge Estate, we also don’t believe in the silly notion of Fruit, Root, Flower and Seed Days, or that the Moon influences our wines. The Moon is 240,000 miles away! Our bank is seven miles away. It has far more influence. And is equally lifeless.

The first grapes we harvested in 2012 are Cabernet Sauvignon. We expect to begin harvesting our Pinot Noir in a few weeks. The Cabernet vines are closest to the winery and, therefore, are always picked first. There is some thought among the Splooge Estate brain trust that we should be picking the Pinot Noir before the Cabernet, but, it remains financially unviable to move the winery. The Cabernet was brought in very gently. Our Nigerian crew was hired specifically to carry the baskets of Cabernet into the winery balanced on their heads, virtually undisturbed by any of the sort of damaging back and forth motion an ATV might deliver. The Nigerians are also a very tall people, which gives our wines higher acidity.

The grapes were destemmed, an exhausting process involving tweezers. Modern, environmentally destructive wineries use a mechanical device called, cleverly, a destemmer, which places the grapes in a cage and beats them with a paddle. Not only does this damage the grapes, it’s against the Geneva Convention, or it was until Obama took office. Once liberated from their stems, the grapes are gently placed into our Splooge Estate cement eggs to ferment. Our cement eggs are purely natural, and are actually fossilized dinosaur eggs. The Cabernet egg for the 2012 was harvested from Joan Rivers’.


Splooge Estate News

As you know, Splooge Estate does not submit its wines for review in major wine publications. We only submit to Wine Enthusiast. But we are happy to announce that our 2009 Splooge Estate Cabernet Sauvignon “The Wet Spot” won a Double Gold at the Esalen International Natural Wine Competition! Judges at this prestigious competition are nude when judging, which only adds to their objectivity, endurance and ability to detect off-aromas. If you don’t personally know any wine judges, we respectfully beg you to NEVER LOOK AT THE COMPETITION PHOTOS. Only the Chardonnays entered are flabbier. And the judges apparently never talk about length.


Splooge Estate was honored by a visit from wine writer Alice Feiring. Alice is publishing a brand new newsletter devoted to natural wines. Her first article, which focuses on white wines, is entitled “Feiring Blancs.” Appropriately, she spends a lot of time on Splooge. We think it’s about time. 


16 comments:

Samantha Dugan said...

First line, already laughing...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
It's all downhill from there.
I love you!

Oenophilosopher said...

I loooove the Splooge Sauvignon Blanc!!! In hotter years it's just rife with loads of creamy lanolin and sweet pineapple tang... Its like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is invited! So juicy I want to smoke a pall mall when I'm done licking the rim. The 08 was a little too vegetal and asparagus-like for my tastes, but it still carried that heady richness with great length and persistence to the finish. Seriously, I'd kick this wine out of bed, just to drink it on the flor.

Kathy said...

“LonelyAliceBait.” Ha. And the concept of pick first what is nearest...or dearest. But that makes it a Lucille Fay LeSueur wine (naturally, Alice, she died....). Don't like Splooge SB. I prefer anything else (except Gewurz and dandelion).

Thomas said...

I see that Hosemaster is still popping off.

Favorite line: The Nigerians are also a very tall people, which gives our wines higher acidity.

Dean Tudor said...

Does anybody know what wine goes with Splooge Estate wines?

Clint said...

"The Moon is 240,000 miles away! Our bank is seven miles away."

LOL. Too good.

(All other wine blogs rendered redundant)

Dave Larsen said...

Thanks for the tip on how to get higher acidity. It is expected to be a low acid year in the Washington State vineyards so we may hire some Nigerians to bring the grapes in.

Rudy S. Daddy said...

You've blown it again.

No wait. I might have that backwards--as the sheep may say.

And besides, it is well known Splooge is at its peak in the full moon.

Thomas said...

Dean,

Don't know which wine pairs with Splooge but oysters probably brings it out in force.

Fabio said...

Are you saying that Splooge use TWEEZERS? And they dare to call themselves natural winemakers!!!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Gang,

Don't know why, but I just keep coming back for more Splooge.

Dean,
Perfect. Wish I'd said that.

Dave,
Sure, they let Nigerians into Washington, just not Californians. Of course, rather than raise acid, we drop acid, so that makes sense.

Clint,
What other wine blogs?

Fabio,
Rudolf Steiner pioneered the use of BioTweezers, mostly for his uni-brow. So it's OK to use them at Splooge Estate. They channel the universal tweeze energy.

Emmojee said...

Not a fan or minimal pruning?....

Emmojee said...

Do the natural cee-ment eggs contain natural uranium?....

Thomas said...

Every time I look around for my BioTweezers I find that they have gone back to the earth from which they came, just like the BioGeezers.

Marcia Macomber said...

Damn! All the good comment lines are taken!

Nice about Joan Rivers' egg harvesting... Nigerians...clever.