Monday, December 3, 2012

What We're Reading

Compiled by the Editors of HoseMaster of Wine

TERROIRIST: Finally, a wine club! And not just an ordinary wine club, but a wine club that selects wines and ships them to you. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before now? You can join the Wine Club, writes David White, “and know that every wine you receive is guaranteed full of terroir! And plenty of pure, sweet alcohol, too.” Oh, you could pay more for these wines elsewhere, if they were actually good enough for Weygandt to get them placed on wine lists, but why would you when you’re paying plenty here? And each shipment comes with a brief tasting note that will tell you what you’re tasting, because you’re clearly incapable of it yourself, as well as recommended food pairings, many available at any 7-11 microwave. Savvy wine lovers are canceling their Rudy KurniaWine of the Month Club and signing up for Terrorist’s. Their motto, “If they weren’t delicious, would UPS deliver them?” ‘Nuff said.

WINE SPECTATOR: The current issue dedicated to the Pinot Noirs of the Williamette Valley, “OreGONZO!,” is packed with delectable reading. More than 275 Oregon wines are rated over 85 points, which is certainly helpful the same way it’s helpful to have 300 cable channels on your TV. Matt Kramer wonders if Oregon will ever merit the same passion as Burgundy. “I know there’s a BurgHound already, I’m just wondering if there will ever be a CoosHound.” Yeah, Matt, I know a couple. Harvey Steiman checks in on the vibrant Oregon restaurant scene. “What’s the hottest trend in Portland’s fine dining establishments? Lap dances! And plenty of them. What wine to order with your lap dances? Hell, something bone dry!” Harvey’s been drinking. Talia Baiocchi takes on “What to Wear to a Tasting Room,” and advises, “Dress like a Kardashian, but Drink like a Lohan.” Tim Fish on being lost in the Portland airport.

DECANTER: Andrew Jeffords revisits his European Wine Bloggers Speech where he declared “the wine writer, as we know it, is dead.” “I think it was misinterpreted,” Jeffords writes, “I was looking at Michael Broadbent at the time.” Michael Broadbent reviews the wine list in Hell, “It looked pretty much like the second issue of Alice Feiring’s newsletter.” Tom Stevenson has an interesting take on vintage Prosecco in a piece entitled, “I’d Rather Drink Serena Sutcliffe’s Depilatory.” And Hugh Johnson on why he loves rose gardens more than wine writing, “Not nearly as many pricks.”

STEVE! HEIMOFF: A rainy day has Steve wondering if his dog is corked. Like he’d know.

SAVEUR: The 2013 Saveur 100 List has a few odd items this year. Gael Greene writes about collecting toothpicks made from the remains of famous food luminaries. “After a fine roast chicken on the weekend, I love to remove what remains between my teeth with a Julia Child pick—it’s my own version of Saturday Night Femur.” Another entry on the list is “Natural Wines Imported That Burn Ungodly Amounts of Fossil Fuel.” Finally, I have no idea how this got on the list, “Sesame Street’s New ‘Tickle Me, Prostate’ Doll."

WALL STREET JOURNAL: Jay McInerney visits with the new wave of young California winemakers, not one of whom knows who the fuck he is. In another article, Jay is invited to a Henri Jayer vertical at Lady GaGa’s house. “How does one describe the ’85 Cros Parantoux,” writes McInerney, in his usual passionate and self-entitled voice, “except to say it tasted like marrying money? If you ever get the chance, try it.” As for GaGa, “I think she was dressed as a dirty Burgundian wine cave.” Lettie Teague weighs in on natural wines, “They smell bad, like hippies.”

PALATE PRESS:  For those of you who can’t get enough of vapid wine articles, yet want to help Save the Planet by not buying glossy, oversized lifestyle magazines (how many trees have died to glorify Marvin Shanken?—remember, with magazines, the bigger the page, the smaller the intellect), there’s always Palate Press! Blinky Gray writes about his recent junket to Turkey, alongside the likes of Alder Yarrow. Turkey, notorious for imprisoning journalists, could not have been safer for them. And Meg Houston Maker explains what wines go best with the stuff you eat in the dark and hope nobody smells on your breath.


David White said...

Yes! Top of the list!

Next month's club selection includes a 1961 Latour and a 1947 Cheval Blanc, both handselected by me, the team at Weygandt, and Rudy K. It's a smoking deal at just $60/month.

If only someone would join...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I'm saving my money for the Gruner of the Month Club.

I think I used to have a HoseMaster of Wine Wine Club. I didn't have any members either. Of course, my club was a little different. For $60, people were allowed to send me two bottles of wine per month. Can't believe that didn't take off.

Steve Heimoff said...

These so-called bloggers like Hosie have not been content with attacks on me, or my blog, or my reviews. No, not content with that, they now include my little dog, Gus. Well, of course, I don't resent attacks, , but Gus does resent them. You know, Gus is part Chihuahua, and one thing you don’t want is an angry Chihuahua aiming straight at your face, Mr. Hosie-Posey!

Jack Stems said...


Natural wines DO smell bad, but worse than Hippies.

"Turkey, notorious for imprisoning journalists, could not have been safer for them." - precious, and it explains why Alder's colleague, Eric Asimov did not go....

Gruner of the Month:

Floriana 2011 Gruner Veltiner, Hungary. Clean, zesty with nice hints of stone fruit. Under screwcap and just a penny under $5 at Trader Joe's

Alfonso Cevola said...

You missed Tom Wark's auto-obituary, which if I am not mistaken, that is something we have not yet seen from you yet.


Thomas said...

It's times like these when I wish I could read.

Marcia Macomber said...

Another installment from the man who travels with his own rimshot team. Lovely.

My fave: “Dress like a Kardashian, but Drink like a Lohan.”

I'll keep that in mind...

Dave Larsen said...

This post had the most laughs per line yet. Great way to start the week. Bravo Hosemaster!

Dean Tudor said...

And Hugh Johnson on why he loves rose gardens more than wine writing, “Not nearly as many pricks.”

Out of the mouths of Babes!!!

Kathy said...

Go, Hose! I think the $60 for 2 wines for you to drink is the future.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

The face is fine, I'm more afraid of a wiener dog...Stay out of this, Marcia!

Jack Stems,
Five dollar Gruner is perfect! Cheaper than Windex, and serves the same purpose.

Let's do like "Strangers on a Train!" You write my obit, and I'll write yours. "On and On and On and Finally Off the Wine Trail in Italy."

Yeah, I know. Though my blog is much funnier in pantomime anyway.

Thanks. I could use a good rimshot team. Also, I could use a drummer.

That's what makes What We're Reading tough for me. So many damn "jokes," so few publications worth a crap.

Hugh is a funny dude. But he's no Clive Coates.

I'm thinking $60 is too cheap. Jay Miller got a lot more than that.

Dave Larsen said...

P.S. I tweeted your post to all 11 of my followers. Hopefully a different set than your 11 followers.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I hope for YOUR sake it's eleven different followers. Thanks for the Tweet. Every little word of mouth counts.

Jack Stems said...

$5+ Windex????....
Where do you shop?
I guess when you have all that sommellier money to blow through....

Thomas said...

"Blow," did someone say there's blow on this blog?

Explains a lot.

The Sommeliere said...

Hose, I woke up feeling down in the dumps and after reading your piece, I am STILL a bit down, but I did get a good laugh, especially about the Michael Broadbent coment.

Keep 'em coming! You rock!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Jack Stems,
I buy the giant Drum O'Windex for my glass house, where I throw stones anyway.

What kind of crack is that? OH, crack, that explains a lot.

Sorry you're down in the dumps. Glad that I may have lightened your load just a bit at the expense of Mr. Broadbent. And flattered you came here for a laugh. Thank you.

Jack Stems said...

Stop using it to clean your wine glasses.
Wine tastes better then.....

Late To The Game Daddy said...

Quite a collection of comments this time. Wow. Dog owners, Windex experts and Thomas trying to remember what the summer of love was all about even though he was not out here.

Cris Whetstone said...

Lettie Teague weighs in on natural wines, “They smell bad, like hippies.”

That's golden and would probably get a very favorable reaction from WSJ readers.