“In times like these it is difficult not to write satire”--Juvenal
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Join the NRA Wine Club Today!
Fellow Gun Lover,
I’m writing to invite you to join the National Rifle Association Wine Club. Because, really, what goes better with loaded weapons than drinking? Wines in the NRA Wine Club have been chosen especially for our members by leading wine authorities who don’t just like high caliber automatic weapons, they like high caliber wines as well! Each month you’ll receive six bottles of the finest wines the world has to offer at amazing low prices. Our prices are so low, you might think we’d threatened the wineries to get them. Prove it.
For new NRA Wine Club Members, there is a limited time offer we think you’ll be unable to resist. Six amazing bottles of fine wine whose retail price is normally $180 retail for only $69! That’s six bottles of liquid courage for just a bit more than $11 per bottle. And look what you’ll get!
From My Cold Dead Hanzell2010 Chardonnay—A special bottling from one of California’s premiere Chardonnay producers, with a likeness of Charlton Heston on the label. Don’t drink too much or you’ll Ben-Hurl.
Newtown2009 Unfiltered Chardonnay—One of the great California wineries sold us the last few cases of their legendary 2009 vintage Chardonnay, with a portion of the proceeds going to fund a new school project in Connecticut, the Kindergarten Firing Range, where toddlers learn how to be comfortable firing guns in close quarters. Is it naptime, or was there a stranger in here? An armed child is a safe child.
Chateau du Gabby Giffords2009 Canon Fronsac—Robert Parker called 2009 “the greatest Bordeaux vintage of my lifetime…worth holding up a bank to obtain.” We couldn’t agree more. The 2009 Chateau du Gabby Giffords features the former U.S. Congresswoman's photograph on the label, a lovely head shot. That may be a poor choice of words.
Kosta Freedom2010 Pinot Noir Russian River Valley—A few deaths here and there, and what is that, gun lovers? Yes, it’s the Kosta Freedom. Another gun massacre got you down? Open this silky, smooth Pinot Noir and let it wash away your better instincts.
Gunlock Badshow2009 Zinfandel Sonoma—Background checks at gun shows are like checking ID’s at liquor stores—totally unnecessary, and bad for the small businessman. Here’s an old vines Zin that everyone can enjoy—from the mentally ill to your high school freshman. It’s killer Zin.
Sonoma-Cutrer 2010 Chardonnay “La Pierre Vineyard”—Named for our beloved CEO Wayne La Pierre because it’s white, it’s powerful, and when you’re done, you’re loaded. Bottled under screw, slightly loose.
How can you resist this introductory offer? Six great bottles of wine for a fraction of their value if you join the NRA Wine Club today. This is a six-month trial offer, and if you’re not fully satisfied with each month’s selections, just give us a call, see if we give a rat’s ass. Yes, that’s right. We just don’t care! It’s the NRA attitude; it’s why you’re a proud member.
And there are more benefits of being a member of the NRA Wine Club! Here are just a few:
• Recommendations of gun-friendly winery tasting rooms. Show up with a weapon, and taste for free!
• An automatic vote in the annual NRA Award balloting, the award given to the outstanding member of society who has done the most to promote guns in society, the Bullet Surprise. Previous winners of the Bullet Surprise include Mark David Chapman, John Hinckley, and Junior Seau.
• An NRA Wine Club Membership Card good for discounts at gun shows, 7-11’s, and MW exams. (Bullets with MW names on them require an additional charge.)
• Free subscription to the NRA monthly wine magazine, DUCK!!!
• Your personalized Second Amendment corkscrew—just twist it to suit your purposes.
Won’t you act now? Whether you’re a proud gun owner for sport, or hunting, or even if you’re just contemplating suicide, these six bottles of wine are guaranteed to enhance your life, no matter how much longer you put off ending it.
At the NRA, we believe that the two things most precious and valuable to the American way of life are shooting stuff and getting shitfaced. And that those two pursuits go together like the other great American rights—unprotected sex and getting shitfaced, driving without a seat belt and getting shitfaced, and carrying a loaded weapon and getting shitfaced.
Stand up for your rights! Join the NRA Wine Club today!
After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.
What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine
"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..." --Robert Parker
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."
--Mike Dunne, Sacramento Bee
Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/21/6089630/dunne-on-wine-wine-blogs-and-bloggers.html#storylink=cpy
"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion." --Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."