Monday, May 20, 2013

The First Wine Blog to List Ingredients


After months of soul searching and consideration, and in the interest of transparency and full disclosure, I have decided to list the ingredients and processes that go into each piece on HoseMaster of Wine™. I am hopeful that my candor and honesty will spread throughout the wine blog world. As it stands now, when you read a wine blog you have no idea what went into the blog, aside from alcohol-fueled stupidity and the vocabulary of a porpoise, i.e. whistling through the blowhole. Nothing harmful is ever added to a HoseMaster of Wine™ article, though nausea can be a direct side effect. If you find yourself becoming slightly nauseated when reading, it’s wise to either induce vomiting, or, if you’re uncomfortable sticking a finger down your own throat, here’s a link that should work.

Once you’ve read through the ingredients, demand of other bloggers that they do the same for their blogs. Ask yourself, what are they hiding? Consider never reading any wine blog that doesn’t list its ingredients. Many are dangerous and cause irreparable brain damage; others are known to have caused cutting. I know a woman who cannot read Wild Walla Walla Wine Woman without slowly slicing her forearms with a Ginsu knife. While clearly appropriate, this is dangerous behavior induced by the blog’s content. At least the knife isn’t dull.

And, also, remember not to vote for any wine blog nominated for a Poodle Award that hasn’t fully disclosed its ingredient list. This would set a terrible precedent. Winners could do harm to unsuspecting new readers—there have been reports of headaches, sleep apnea and erectile dysfunction, but those reports are unconfirmed, and why would you believe my wife anyway? The wine blog world is nearly ten years old now. Isn’t it time we disclose what we’re made of?


ACTIVE INGREDIENTS

Venom: It takes plenty of venom to produce HoseMaster of Wine™. Most wine blogs have very little venom content. In fact, most have little content at all. Remember, if you have been bitten by one of my blog posts, it will hurt for a moment, but don’t panic. Rather than overreact, experts recommend you suck it.

Wine: Inebriation is a key ingredient and I never skimp. I ask that you use HoseMaster of Wine™ responsibly and in moderation. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading. Do not read if you are pregnant. If you are thinking about becoming pregnant, call me. Operators are standing by, but I don’t care if they watch if you don’t. If reading the blog with a group, please use a Designated Reader who is to remain sober and never laugh. Well, the never laugh part is easy.

Artificial Sweeteners: Occasionally something sweet appears in HoseMaster of Wine™. Trust me, this is artificial.

Thought: Only tiny bits of thought are ever used in the production of HoseMaster of Wine™, but at least it’s not some stupid compendium of links to other websites that takes no goddam thought at all.

Wit Substitutes: In the absence of wit, which is known to be carcinogenic, I use wit substitutes. Common wit substitutes include puns, long sentences that sound like wit but really aren’t, sarcastic remarks that widely miss the mark (often called “snarky” by ignorant shitheads), and Randall Grahm sloppy seconds. Wit substitutes are rarely found in wine blogs, which seem to prefer going entirely witless.

Irony: Just listing irony is ironic. Isn’t that ironic? Hell, I put the “ron” in ironic. And without a condom.

Meat Byproducts: Strictly to protect against unwanted Spam.


WARNINGS 

HoseMaster of Wine™ was produced in a facility that handles my nuts. If you are allergic to my nuts, you are advised to read another blog, or to ingest a small part of my nuts on a daily basis until the allergy subsides.

HoseMaster of Wine™ has been known to cause birth defects in lab rats, like we give a fuck about lab rats.

If after reading HoseMaster of Wine™ you have an erection lasting more than four hours, well, that’s just about average. Try harder.

Objects appearing in HoseMaster of Wine™ are closer than they appear. Objects appearing in my pants are larger than they appear.

By law, HoseMaster of Wine™ is allowed to contain small pieces of rat turd, otherwise known as the Hundred Point Scale.

Do not use HoseMaster of Wine™ in an enclosed space. The fumes are explosive. If you smell anything resembling Grüner Veltliner, immediately open the windows and shout, “It wasn’t me, it was the dog.” In an actual emergency, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your face, inhale like you have emphysema, and say, “Luke, I’m your father.”

Void where prohibited by law.


30 comments:

Mike Dunne said...

Do I or do I not click on that link? It's too early in the day to be this anxious. But seriously, when your book is published may I write a blurb for the jacket, even the back of the jacket?

Andy Perdue said...

Mike: I expected that link to be a goatse, but it was much, much worse.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Mike,
For God's Sake, don't click on the link! If you do, however, remember that there is an air sickness bag in the pouch in front of you. Don't let the kangaroo kick you when you reach for it.

When I publish my book (yeah, right) I'll be writing my own blurbs. But, don't worry, I'll put your name on the best one.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Andy,
Oh, man, I forgot to put NSFW after the link. But, at least, it isn't a goatse (I had to look that up, or is it, look up that?), though, from a philosophical standpoint, it's the equivalent.

Micah Nasarow said...

GRAND SLAM!

Charlie Olken said...

I don't think I want to read the content list of most blogs. Of course, I don't read most blogs so it may not matter.

As for irony, my parents were in iron and steel, which is almost the same thing. My mother ironed and my father stole.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,

This is fantastic. I find it ever so important to what it is I'm ingesting at all times. I'm still taking the nut therapy you put me on but I have one very important question, are you gluten free?!

Another winner babe. I love you!

Cris Whetstone said...

Bwahaha! You bad.

Marcia Macomber said...

Wow! I had no IDEA there were so many ingredients in the HoseMaster's blog. (Just goes to show you the importance of full disclosure, eh? [DISCLOSURE: That "eh" is in honor of the upcoming blog awards' Canadian event location.])

Given the lengthy ingredient list, it makes you wonder what you'd find in a would-be Nutrition Facts list (besides warnings that all that laughing could be hazardous to your Monday morning bad mood)?

I see double entendres didn't make the list. Could that be because the Great Blogging Authority requires each single entendre to be listed separately? :-)

JP Bary said...

Somehow it didn't occur to me to click the link unti I read the comments. The ironic part is that I assumed you were serious!

larry mawby said...

so who writes this blog anyway? didn't see anyone listed in the ingredients list? just wondering?

Mike Dunne said...

Now get this: The HoseMaster has not one but two candidates for best blog post of the year. A third of the field, in other words. The down side, of course, is the potential for a split vote.

The Sommeliere said...

What? No sturgeon bladder or pectolytics? What about ammonium phosphate?

On a more serious note, I voted for you in almost every category. You rock!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
Well, my nuts were gluten-free until I got that yeast infection...

Marcia Love,
No nutrients in HoseMaster, though I do have huge bulimic following, which helps.

JP,
Me? Serious? You must be new here. I'm only serious about being stupid.

Larry,
I'm the HoseMaster's ghost writer. He's a fraud. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Mike,
How 'bout that. You wouldn't happen to know who's responsible for that outrage, would you? I should have all six nominations.

Marlene My Darling,
I don't have a sturgeon bladder, but I think my prostate is from a baboon. Does that count?

Thanks for wasting your votes on me, Love. I really don't see winning, mostly because I don't FaceBook or Tweet or otherwise toot my own horny. But it should get interesting.

Dean Tudor said...

Eh, what? My google news alert picked up the word "Canadian", about 8 comments up, so I thought I'd better check it out...

Great post Ron, but you forgot the EXTRA ADDED STRENGTH ingredients of the world famous, ready for prime time,

COMMENTS section !!!

-- the peanut gallery where all life unfolds. The interactive ingredients that create gas....

LeoFerrando said...

In brief : kind of a healthy mix of toxics ! Congrats !

David Pierson said...

Wit? A sense of humor?? Wine and food writing is just so open for humor but so few do it.. and these humorless turds get so pissed off if you dare make a joke..
In my piece on Alan Richman I said he has first rate knowledge combined with a rapier wit... describing Jean Georges joint in Vegas.. you know you could run over this steak with a car and no juice would come out of it... supposedly it really hacked off JG and there went their friendship..

wineknurd said...

I want Ron and Sam to get married and adopt me.

Chris / 'Knurd

Andy Perdue said...

Ron, book your ticket to Penticton!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Dean,
You are absolutely correct! My apologies, my humble apologies, to everyone who regularly makes my Comments section the best, the smartest, the wittiest Comments section in the wine blog world. I am often, very often, told that people read my comments section and like it more than they like my pieces. I agree.

A sincere thank you to all of you. I look forward twice a week to your contributions. Damn, now I'm an NPR pledge drive.

David,
Yeah, everyone likes satire when it's aimed at someone else. They want you to be impartial, aim your sights at everyone, be an equal opportunity jackass, so long as the target isn't on their back. I'm used to it.

Chris,
We are married, and we adopted STEVE! That's one too many.

Andy,
Penticton sounds like the Pentagon with blood-sucking insects. So, the Pentagon.

The Sommeliere said...

Ron darlng, I certainly did not waste my votes. You are the one voice of humor in a totally fuc#*d little corner of the universe. In most parts of the country (except for the coasts and a few pockets of sophistication in the mid west, wine is considered a drink for pussies, by "manly men."

Wine writers take ourselves WAY too seriously. How many times can we read/write about terroir... or is it terrier? How many times can we read the same reviews on the same wines?

And as for your baboon prostate: get a doughnut pillow (or just a doughnut) and sit on it!!!



Eric V. Orange said...

The irony of Hose getting a poodle award is just too good to be true.
I'm going voting.

EVO

Joe Roberts said...

Where does mega purple come in? [ insert immature reference to "throbbing members" here ]

Charlie Olken said...

I took the pledge. I voted at the office.

I am overjoyed at the very prospect of The Hosemaster winning a couple of Poodles.

Now, about that book.

wineknurd said...

We should organize an in-person Hose Master comments section get together w/ Poppa Ron & Momma Sam. And only drink beer.

'Knurd / Chris

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marlene Darling,
I love you, you know.

Maybe all those nominations, which I neither solicited nor encouraged and certainly won't campaign for, are some support for what you're saying.

As I've noted, winemakers and other folks in the biz tend to like my foolishness, irreverence and approach to wine writing. It's often bloggers, stuffy wine writers, and winery marketing types that find me offensive or hate me. Which is exactly the point, for me.

Anyhow, Marlene, thank you for voting for me. Though I'm going online to find wine for pussies.

Eric,
Yeah, it's sort of like Ann Coulter being allowed in Mensa.

1WineDoody,
No Mega Purple here, my friend. Though Reverse Osmosis is my favorite sexual position in the Kama Sutra.

Charlie,
Unlikely I'll win, but it's been a complete blast to be nominated. I've heard personally from a LOT of nice people congratulating me, wishing me luck and professing their love of my work.

I'm not campaigning to win, except this--if I win all four categories, I'll retire. That should get me some votes.

Chris,
Beer is for pussies.

wineknurd said...

Yeah, big manly pussies!

Chris / 'Knurd

Samantha Dugan said...

Knurd,
Count me in. I think we should all get together when Ron wins one, or all of those awards that he is way, way over qualified for. They will be lucky to have him and Ron My Love, I am so very proud of you.
I love you so!

Ryan Moore said...

Bravo Ron, bravo...

Catie said...

My Darling Hose,
I am not sure if I should be flattered that you listed my blog or if I should activate one of my hidden ingredients (venom) and tell you to go fuck yourself and spin on a very dull Ginsu.

In the mean time, congratulations on all of your nominations for the Poodle Awards. I can't think of anyone more deserving.
C~