Monday, July 29, 2013

Lo Hai Qu on Lo's New Blog for Millennials!


Ever since she won a Poodle for her “The Death of Wine Critics,” Lo Hai Qu has been insufferable.
She’s convinced Hollywood is going to make a film about her life starring Justin Bieber in the title role. It would be his second role portraying a woman, the other being his entire life. She’s already started writing the screenplay. It’s about her life in servitude organizing my wine cellar, and is entitled “House of Racks.” I told her Russ Meyer made that film, but the allusion was a bust. But in order to get her off my aching back, I’ve agreed to once again turn over HoseMaster of Wine™ to her so she can express her thoughts about wine. I’m sure she expects, at the very least, to win another Poodle Award, if not a James Beard Award, or a Pritzker. I told her that the Pritzkers are for Architects, but she said she was sure Cambodians could win as well. Which may be true, but she’s not even Cambodian. Anyway, here she is, the one, the only, Lo Hai Qu.


First of all, let me say that this blog is stupid. I don’t understand hardly any of the stuff the HoseMaster is talking about. And who the hell are these supposedly famous people he’s always making fun of? Tim Fish? Who’s he? I have no idea, but when did he say goodbye to his partner. Mr. Chips? He’s always making fun of Alice Feiring. I asked my girls if they ever heard of her. Nope. But they all guessed with a name like Alice she was either really old or a dude. And then there’s some Heimoff maneuver guy, and 1WineDoody, which is what was in my panties after I drank some Lodi Petite Sirah and had to fire off a Lo-flying rocket. The whole thing doesn’t make any fucking sense.

So, come on, ask yourself, why would somebody decide to start reading wine blogs? Duh. To learn about wine. I’ve been reading this lame blog since I started working here, and what have I learned about wine from the so-called HoseMaster of Wine? (fuck that ™ thing, what does that stand for, Tiny Manhood?)—zip, nada, zero, Bublé. Who reads this crap? Best Writing on a Wine Blog? It’s not even the Best Writing on the Head of a Pin. It’s the Best Writing by a Pinhead, though. HAHAHAHAHAHA, you been Lo-balled, HoseBoy.

Me and my friends decided we would start our own wine blog. We’re going to make a wine blog just like one we want to read, and with a lot of cool pictures of us like photo-bombing winemakers, or posing with really big bottles of wine (one of the biggest ones is called a “Meshuggenah” and was named for some crazy old Jewish king—so, like an ancient Harvey Weinstein), or hanging with cute guys working in tasting rooms. And it’s going to have lots of good information about wine so that when other Millennials read it they’ll learn not to be scared of wine. There’s nothing to be scared of. One thing I’ve learned here, for sure, is that there can’t be very much to know about wine. Look at the comments section! Yeah, those are some smart people... And I’m Yao Ming’s dental floss. You mostly just have to tell everybody you’re a wine expert, and they believe you! That’s how wine blogs work. People are fucking stupid. Like they watch America’s Got Talent and believe that Howie Mandel and Heidi Klum know about talent. Which is like saying you know what diarrhea feels like when you never had it. HAHAHAHAHAHA, Howie and Heidi got Lo-Botomized!

Me and my friends are going to call our new wine blog Lo on Wine. Get it? Yeah, I know, it’s perfect. I’m gonna be the one who writes the wine reviews. At first, I’ll just steal wines from the samples the HoseMaster gets. That’s easy. He’s mostly drunk all the time. And then he talks to his little white thing. I still don’t know why he calls it Jay Mac. So I already wrote my first wine review! Here’s a preview!

MÉNAGE Á TROIS 2011 WHITE  WINE $10

This is three different whites blended together, like a Mormon wedding. It’s got Chardonnay and Chenin Blanc and Muscat Alexandria. I’ve heard of one of those grapes, and it’s not the last two. Or is it the last four? I thought Chenin Blanc was one of Beyoncé’s backup singers, the one with the booty that looks like a Honey Baked Ham franchise. White wine all tastes the same to me. Like it’s all fruity, and smells like the inside of your fridge. This was good, but I think I’d rather die than drink it again, really, really good, like sex with two other people at once.

See! A little bit of education, and then some honest tasting notes. Oh, man, we are going to get a million samples. Especially with that new ending. Fuck, I almost blew that. No Jay Mac jokes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, his dick got Diss-Lo-Cated!

We’re going to get a million hits a month on Lo on Wine. I won a Wine Blog Award! With my very first post! Who’s ever done that? So everyone is going to want to read Lo on Wine. We’re gonna have lots of regular features too. Like my friend Shizzangela, she’s this really hot white chick, and we’re going to take pictures of her that will illustrate how wine is made! She’s not afraid to be pretty naked, and she has like these amazing tattoos. Millennials think tattoos are hot because nothing says hot like drunken sailors. So one idea is to have one of the guys wear a hockey mask and carry a chainsaw and pretend to be sawing off Shizzangela’s legs and the caption reads, “Destemmed.” Did I say Shizzangela is only wearing panties and two Dom Perignon labels covering her nips? Tell me that won’t get a link from Eric Amazon. And then we’ll have a regular feature about all the different grapes and we’ll just copy the text from that Janice Robinson book. You know, really, one of the best things about my generation is we don’t think plagiarism is any big deal. Got us through college, what’s so bad about that?

So now you won’t have to read this stupid blog any more. All the wine stuff you want to know will be on Lo on Wine. Like information you can use, and cool photos and links to all the other cool Millennial blogs out there. I even have my first sentence written!

I hope you’ll join me on my journey to discover wine.

Fuck, I love plagiarism.



16 comments:

Fabio said...

Hi Lo, (ha ha, geddit?)
Your blog is super-cool. If you and your (strikeout)young female(/strikeout) friends would like to come and (strikeout)pose naked(/strikeout) learn all about winemaking in my winery, do contact me whenever. I'm sure you would enjoy the hands-on experience. (strikeout)I certainly would.(/strikeout) :)

Thomas said...

Ron:

I see that on your wine journey, you've finally taken the Lo Road.

David Rossi said...

I loved this posting long time.

Marcia Macomber said...

Why do I always feel like I have to take a shower after reading Lo Hai Qu's posts? And for all the wrong reasons too!

Love the “Meshuggenah” format!

David Pierson said...

Ah Hi lo after reading your post and drinking a bottle of Ripple.. me so hohny....

Joe Roberts said...

Lo... and behold!

Please note that I resisted the temptation to comment on Lo's official blog with "First!"

Dean Tudor said...

Loon wine? I dunno..you cannot buy wine in Canada for a dollar.

OTOH, this is convenient way, Ron, for you to get around any legal issues. Lo wrote the stuff, you didn't..

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Gang,
I'm afraid I'm pretty smitten with my intern Lo Hai Qu. She's my favorite character of all time. I get an irresistible urge now and then to be her--it's blogger transvestism.

I love the idea of my Voice, the HoseMaster, writing her Voice. The whole concept amuses me. And probably only me. I couldn't resist building her a website of her own. I'm kicking around the idea of reviewing wines there, in her voice, of course. What do you think? Could be fun to review the kind of plonk reviewed all over the Intergnats by Poodles inundated with corporate crap. Lo would have some great insights and recommendations, I'm sure.

On the other hand, I barely have time for my own blog.

Dean Tudor said...

Oh gawd, the Intergnat -- perfect place to raise the issue. Gnat can use her hair.

Yes, yes, yes, Ron -- we want more, more, more...do it, do it, do it...

More wine reviews, please...Put me down for a subscription. $10 a year, Here's my VISA xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 0699..

Dean Tudor said...

Expires 12/17, security # 234

PaulG said...

I don't know why you say good buy I say hey Lo....

Samantha Dugan said...

Gonna let the other spuds..or common taters comment but I can't help but giggle when you say fuck. Reading you Ron Washam, makes me happier than it probably should but I shan't let that stop me from coming here to gobble you up. Love you so.

Alfonso Cevola said...

Finally, a Hosemaster post with a Happy Ending

The Sommeliere said...

I haven't heard about Russ Meyer in twenty years.Is he still alive?
What cracked me up was “House of Racks.” I told her Russ Meyer made that film, but the allusion was a bust."

And the Meshuggenah format--is that bigger than the Nebuchadnezzar format?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marlene Darling,
'Bout time you showed up.

No, Russ Meyer is not still alive. I think I wrote about him as a customer where I worked as a sommelier in one of my Wine Essays. He was very old then, and sort of pre-dementia, but used to come in with some of his gigantic-boobed stars who were badly losing their battles with gravity.

A Meshugennah is a bit larger than a Nebbish.

Unknown said...

Ron:
I just can't help wondering if Lo Hai Qu came over on an Asiana flight with Capt. Sum Ting Wong and co-pilot Wi Tu Lo???
George