Thursday, September 5, 2013
Somm In Your Pants™!
The biggest fear of wine lovers is the fear of appearing stupid. As if spending all of your disposable income buying wine isn’t stupid on the face of it. God forbid you buy a new pair of pants once in a while, maybe shoes. Oh no, not when BevMo’s having a Five Cent Sale. Buy two wines not worth a nickel because one just won’t do. No, that’s not stupid.
But what if we could take the fear out of wine? What if you never had to appear stupid in front of your wine-knowledgeable friends again? What would that be worth to you? It should be worth a lot, as often as you are stupid about wine. Remember when you thought “terroir” was Harry Waugh’s sister? Wow, how stupid was that? And then there was the time you thought downy mildew necessitated a trip to the gynecologist. I hope you’ve trimmed your canopy since then. Really, what if we could promise you’d never look stupid about wine again?
Well, we can!
Introducing Somm In Your Pants™, the new app from the folks who brought you the popular behavioral app Psych In Your Pants™, and the best-selling advice app Aunts In Your Pants™. With Somm In Your Pants™, you’ll never look like a jackass about wine again. And won’t that be a relief! It will be to your friends.
Somm In Your Pants™ is like having your own sommelier with you 24 hours a day. It’s like being married to Larry Stone, only without all that whining and begging for sex, not to mention the lingering smell of Old Spice. And it’s a sommelier that understands your tastes, as well as your personal insecurities. How? You teach it, that’s how. The more you interact with Somm In Your Pants™ the better your results. Our app actually learns from YOU. Not about wine, of course, you don’t know crap about wine or you wouldn’t be out buying apps. Frankly, it’s embarrassing that you need a wine app, or, well, that anybody needs a wine app. Maybe if you shopped for wine at places where the people working there know something about wine, instead of buying closeout wines at Trader Joe’s and taking advice from a kid in a Hawaiian shirt who has to wear his bike helmet all the time. No, Somm In Your Pants™ has a patented program that learns your tastes in wine and then tries to teach you something, while also trying to stop you from being so stinking cheap all the damn time.
OK, let’s just say that you’re wandering the aisles at Costco, you know, helping to put small business owners out of work. You come to the wine section and you need to buy a bottle of Chardonnay. What do you do? Read the stupid shelf talkers, you mouth-breathing simpleton? Reading shelf talkers is like believing blurbs in movie ads. Every damn wine has one. Points over 90, Medals over Silver, descriptions that can’t possibly be true, except it’s in print, so, to a moron, it must be true! Well, if you have a Somm In Your Pants™, you don’t need anything else.
Just take your iPhone, enable the Somm In Your Pants™, and say the name and price of the wine you’re thinking of purchasing into the phone. In seconds, you’ll have a personalized text from your very own personal sommelier. He even acts like a sommelier!
“Hello," you say, "I’m looking at a Rombauer Chardonnay for $30.” You wait a few seconds, and then the Somm In Your Pants™ replies:
“Is there a vintage? Oh wait, it’s Rombauer, it doesn’t matter. You don’t need a vintage for your Aunt Jemima either, do you? You bought that boring Chardonnay the last time, and the time before that! Wow, you are the RutMeister. I know, why don’t you try some Diet Chardonnay this time, one without all the sugar? Maybe a nice Macôn. Oh, wait, you’re at Costco! Silly me. Just buy whatever you want. Or go to a real wine shop and call me back.”
See? Only you can read the text, so you walk away from the Chardonnay and save yourself from looking stupid. What a gift! Somm In Your Pants™ can do the impossible, keep you from looking like a shithead. Sound too good to be true? How about this?
You’re in a fancy restaurant (as if) looking at their extensive wine list. You’re on a date (as if) and you need to not look stupid selecting an appropriate wine. The sommelier intimidates you. She looks like Steve Buscemi in a dress (most of them do). What do you do? Well, luckily, you have a Somm In Your Pants™.
“Hello, I’m dining at Restaurant Gougé. Can you make a suggestion?”
In seconds, after finding the wine list at Restaurant Gougé online and running the wines through its extensive data base, you hear from your personal sommelier, who bears no resemblance to Steve Buscemi, but will treat you as a human sommelier would.
“Does it matter to you what you’re eating at all? I’m guessing you probably want a Pinot Noir. You don’t care what you order for dinner, you’ll just order Pinot Noir with anything. How was it with the halibut last week? Crappy, like I told you it would be? So, fine, let’s see. What about that nice little Pommard on the list? Yes, it’s Pinot Noir. And when you order it, don’t pronounce the ‘d’ on the end, for the love of God. The ‘d’ is silent, like in ‘umbshit.’”
You order the Pommard, your date is impressed, and, more than likely, you get a handjob from your date under the tablecloth, with an assist from the Somm In Your Pants™!
Somm In Your Pants™ is a revolution in wine technology. Think of the time you’ll save not having to read wine books or go to tastings. Somm In Your Pants™ is so good it’s been banned from WSET classes, which are crawling with idiots! When you have a Somm In Your Pants™, it’s like carrying an extra dick around with you wherever you go!
Get yours today!