Thursday, September 12, 2013
You're Watching TAINT TV
Coming this Fall, the cable network American wine lovers have been waiting for makes its debut! It’s the long-awaited Premiere Week on the brand new, All Wine network TAINT TV! Finally, a channel devoted exclusively to wine, for wine novices and connoisseurs alike! No crafty beer, no stupid spirits, no distracting food. You know, that boring crap so often lumped together with the miracle of wine. What do they have to do with wine? No matter what “experts” tell you, food and wine don’t go together. Like foreplay and sex! Food and foreplay are just two things you pretend to like in order to get more of what you really want. But not on TAINT TV. No foreplay on your TAINT. Only high quality television about one subject, and one subject only. Wine!
TAINT TV has recruited the greatest names in wine to produce and star in its original programming. Our stars are entertaining, informative, and just plain shitfaced. If you’re a wine lover, you won’t want to miss a single one of our new Fall shows. Here’s a sneak preview of a few of the original programs available exclusively on TAINT TV.
The most influential wine writers alive compete for the title Iron Palate. The first match pits favorite James Laube against sleeper Jay McInerney. In this first round battle, it comes right down to the wire, each man able to taste and spit the finest wines of the world without a single clue as to what they’re tasting. Calling upon their supernatural powers of memory and outright guesswork in the face of their withered old taste buds, both men bedazzle the live studio audience with their ability to make the best wines sound amazingly mundane. We don’t want to spoil the ending, but let’s just say there’s a new cult Cabernet in town from a little AVA we like to call Brokeback Mountain. The winner will take on Jancis Robinson, or some other critic who will be doing the work for her.
MADD MONEY with Matt Kramer
Sick of Mothers Against Drunk Driving? Tired of all the stupid warning labels on wine bottles? Here’s what Matt Kramer has to say about that on his new TAINT TV show MADD Money. Contains Sulfites? “It’s the goddamed alcohol that will kill you, moron!” Do not operate heavy machinery. “If I could operate heavy machinery I’d have a job that had some meaning, not the one I have writing pablum for wine dweebs who don’t mind having their intelligence insulted twice a month in Wine Spectator!” Do not drink alcohol when pregnant. “That’s what got you knocked up in the first place, slut!” You won’t want to miss Matt Kramer letting his hair down (it’s an expression, jackass) every week against the forces of prohibitionism. He’s angrier than Natalie MacLean without Cut and Paste.
Watch on hidden camera while some of America’s finest sommeliers play pranks on unknowing restaurant customers! Why, here’s a sommelier presenting a wine list to an unsuspecting couple that doesn’t have a single wine under $70. The couple is obviously on a first date, and as he scans the list for something he can afford, well, he’s sweatier than an old bottle of Beaucastel. Another prank involves a sommelier serving a flight of three different Pinot Noirs—only they’re exactly the same wine! Hilarity ensues as the unwitting customer describes each wine differently to his date. And the kicker—it’s not even Pinot Noir, it’s Syrah! And you won’t want to miss the segment where our sommelier informs the customer he can’t order the 2009 Lynch-Bages because the restaurant is out of clean Riedel Bordeaux glasses. When the customer insists, the sommelier announces to the rest of the dining room that, “Mr. Uncouth is drinking his Bordeaux from a Zinfandel glass,” and the customer is humiliated into ordering a glass of Zweigelt instead. You’ve never seen any of this in a restaurant before! Or have you? But it’s the customer who tells the sommelier his wine is corked, only to have the sommelier disagree and never return to his table, that will make you laugh ‘til you cry.
THE ONE HUNDRED POINT PYRAMID
Destined to be the most popular new game show on television, The One Hundred Point Pyramid pairs two contestants with celebrity wine critics, both teams competing to get to the bonus round. The contestants, wine dorks chosen for their encyclopedic knowledge of wines that have received 100 point scores, so mostly really lonely men, have to guess the 100 Point wine being described by their celebrity teammate. The celebrity wine critics have 30 seconds to rattle off descriptors of the 100 point wines. Each descriptor subtracts two points from the score. Here’s Steve Heimoff giving clues to contestant Harlan E. State: “Cedar, cassis, ripe blackberries, uh…” “2004 Screaming Eagle!” “No! Um, sweet fruits, marvelous tannins, um, um…” “2006 Cardinale!” Ding ding ding ding ding ding! Easy. So obvious when you’re playing at home. 90 Points! Finally, wine lovers, the fucking points actually matter! The winning contestant goes to the bonus round, where, competing against the clock, he tries to climb the 100 Point Pyramid in 60 seconds, only to find that there actually isn’t any point.
YEAST OF EDEN
TAINT TV’s continuing dramatic series is the story of three dedicated winemakers, one in California, one in Italy and one in France, and their struggles to produce Authentic Wines. Beset by skeptics, and nagging investors who insist on profits, these three winemakers fight heroically in the name of “terroir.” Or, as they call it in California, “any single vineyard wine.” It’s the story of courageous winemakers, and the tiny, really weird, women who love them. In Episode One, “A Week From Fruit Day,” Italian cult winemaker Moe Ripeness catches his wife Lotta in prolonged skin contact with a natural winemaker, lead character Frank Cornholessen. “Don’t worry,” Frank insists, “I never inoculate.” Meanwhile, in California, marketing directors for a major corporate winery concern scheme to put “Authentic” on all their wine labels. “Hell, it worked for Levi’s, and people are just plain stupid.” And in France, our hero Guy Spott, convinces his importer there’s a market in America for his wines. “Sure,” Guy says, “they’re funky. But I just had a famous American woman who loves Authentic wines here. I opened my wines with my handy-dandy corkscrew, sweet-talked her with my usual bullshit, and Alice followed me right down the Rabbit™ hole.”