Thursday, September 12, 2013

You're Watching TAINT TV


Coming this Fall, the cable network American wine lovers have been waiting for makes its debut! It’s the long-awaited Premiere Week on the brand new, All Wine network TAINT TV! Finally, a channel devoted exclusively to wine, for wine novices and connoisseurs alike! No crafty beer, no stupid spirits, no distracting food. You know, that boring crap so often lumped together with the miracle of wine. What do they have to do with wine? No matter what “experts” tell you, food and wine don’t go together. Like foreplay and sex! Food and foreplay are just two things you pretend to like in order to get more of what you really want. But not on TAINT TV. No foreplay on your TAINT. Only high quality television about one subject, and one subject only. Wine!

TAINT TV has recruited the greatest names in wine to produce and star in its original programming. Our stars are entertaining, informative, and just plain shitfaced. If you’re a wine lover, you won’t want to miss a single one of our new Fall shows. Here’s a sneak preview of a few of the original programs available exclusively on TAINT TV.

IRON PALATE

The most influential wine writers alive compete for the title Iron Palate. The first match pits favorite James Laube against sleeper Jay McInerney. In this first round battle, it comes right down to the wire, each man able to taste and spit the finest wines of the world without a single clue as to what they’re tasting. Calling upon their supernatural powers of memory and outright guesswork in the face of their withered old taste buds, both men bedazzle the live studio audience with their ability to make the best wines sound amazingly mundane. We don’t want to spoil the ending, but let’s just say there’s a new cult Cabernet in town from a little AVA we like to call Brokeback Mountain. The winner will take on Jancis Robinson, or some other critic who will be doing the work for her.

MADD MONEY with Matt Kramer

Sick of Mothers Against Drunk Driving? Tired of all the stupid warning labels on wine bottles? Here’s what Matt Kramer has to say about that on his new TAINT TV show MADD Money. Contains Sulfites? “It’s the goddamed alcohol that will kill you, moron!” Do not operate heavy machinery. “If I could operate heavy machinery I’d have a job that had some meaning, not the one I have writing pablum for wine dweebs who don’t mind having their intelligence insulted twice a month in Wine Spectator!” Do not drink alcohol when pregnant. “That’s what got you knocked up in the first place, slut!” You won’t want to miss Matt Kramer letting his hair down (it’s an expression, jackass) every week against the forces of prohibitionism. He’s angrier than Natalie MacLean without Cut and Paste.

SOMM FUN

Watch on hidden camera while some of America’s finest sommeliers play pranks on unknowing restaurant customers! Why, here’s a sommelier presenting a wine list to an unsuspecting couple that doesn’t have a single wine under $70. The couple is obviously on a first date, and as he scans the list for something he can afford, well, he’s sweatier than an old bottle of Beaucastel. Another prank involves a sommelier serving a flight of three different Pinot Noirs—only they’re exactly the same wine! Hilarity ensues as the unwitting customer describes each wine differently to his date. And the kicker—it’s not even Pinot Noir, it’s Syrah! And you won’t want to miss the segment where our sommelier informs the customer he can’t order the 2009 Lynch-Bages because the restaurant is out of clean Riedel Bordeaux glasses. When the customer insists, the sommelier announces to the rest of the dining room that, “Mr. Uncouth is drinking his Bordeaux from a Zinfandel glass,” and the customer is humiliated into ordering a glass of Zweigelt instead. You’ve never seen any of this in a restaurant before! Or have you? But it’s the customer who tells the sommelier his wine is corked, only to have the sommelier disagree and never return to his table, that will make you laugh ‘til you cry.

THE ONE HUNDRED POINT PYRAMID

Destined to be the most popular new game show on television, The One Hundred Point Pyramid pairs two contestants with celebrity wine critics, both teams competing to get to the bonus round. The contestants, wine dorks chosen for their encyclopedic knowledge of wines that have received 100 point scores, so mostly really lonely men, have to guess the 100 Point wine being described by their celebrity teammate. The celebrity wine critics have 30 seconds to rattle off descriptors of the 100 point wines. Each descriptor subtracts two points from the score. Here’s Steve Heimoff giving clues to contestant Harlan E. State: “Cedar, cassis, ripe blackberries, uh…” “2004 Screaming Eagle!” “No! Um, sweet fruits, marvelous tannins, um, um…” “2006 Cardinale!” Ding ding ding ding ding ding! Easy. So obvious when you’re playing at home. 90 Points! Finally, wine lovers, the fucking points actually matter! The winning contestant goes to the bonus round, where, competing against the clock, he tries to climb the 100 Point Pyramid in 60 seconds, only to find that there actually isn’t any point.

YEAST OF EDEN

TAINT TV’s continuing dramatic series is the story of three dedicated winemakers, one in California, one in Italy and one in France, and their struggles to produce Authentic Wines. Beset by skeptics, and nagging investors who insist on profits, these three winemakers fight heroically in the name of “terroir.” Or, as they call it in California, “any single vineyard wine.” It’s the story of courageous winemakers, and the tiny, really weird, women who love them. In Episode One, “A Week From Fruit Day,” Italian cult winemaker Moe Ripeness catches his wife Lotta in prolonged skin contact with a natural winemaker, lead character Frank Cornholessen. “Don’t worry,” Frank insists, “I never inoculate.” Meanwhile, in California, marketing directors for a major corporate winery concern scheme to put “Authentic” on all their wine labels. “Hell, it worked for Levi’s, and people are just plain stupid.” And in France, our hero Guy Spott, convinces his importer there’s a market in America for his wines. “Sure,” Guy says, “they’re funky. But I just had a famous American woman who loves Authentic wines here. I opened my wines with my handy-dandy corkscrew, sweet-talked her with my usual bullshit, and Alice followed me right down the Rabbit™ hole.”  


21 comments:

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
I actually think that SOMM FUN could work,like on Bravo or something. You'd be able to not only bring wine to the mainstream, you can reaffirm what so many people already know or believe, that people in the wine business are tools. I, love, it! Have to say my favorite line in the post, the one that had me slapping my knee and horking latte out my nose, "Celebrity wine critic"....laughed my ass off and as you might remember, that would require some serious laughing. Brilliant Love.
I
Love
You

Thomas said...

I'm 100 on Yeast of Eden!

Marcia Macomber said...

Dang! Thomas got the best one! Wicked...

Sommelier Martin Charlebois said...

Just great!
I could had a few titles to the programming myself!

Charlie Olken said...

Hell, forget the TV. Let's just see how many folks sign in with the title, Sommelier.

All those good throw-away lines that will linger in memory. You are on a roll. Possibly brioche.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
SOMM FUN would be a hoot. Sommeliers can, and do, get away with murder. It would be like Candid Camera for eBob's buttboys.

I was approached a few months ago by someone who wanted to produce a TV show about wine, a la Anthony Bourdain. That got me thinking about an all wine channel, and this is the laborious result. Truthfully, I came very close to 86ing this piece. But, since I do this for free, I thought, what the hell. Glad people like it.

I love you, too, Gorgeous!

Thomas,
In Episode 2 of Yeast of Eden, we introduce Tom Wark as the villain. He's out to destroy natural wine, but when he fails, he sheds three tiers.

Marcia Love,
Gotta love TAINT TV. It's TV the way God intended--filled with six minute commercial breaks.

Martin,
Welcome back. Long time. TAINT TV can use all the help it can get. Pitch some ideas! You, too, can be a big TV star, like Leslie Sbrocco only with real hair.

Charlie,
Hell, I've thrown away more lines than a Hollywood cast party with cocaine. They don't linger in memory, so much as stain. Brioche? Hmm. Maybe more like barrel.

george kaplan said...

I'm assuming you could do a whole post, or an episode of Dial MW , on Yeast of Eden. Iron Palate 's hysterical.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

George,
I thought about Yeast of Eden as a continuing HoseMaster Soap Opera, and Iron Palate as a full piece. Somm Fun has worlds of possibilites, guest stars like Raj Parr and Regis Philbin. I seem to have more ideas than I want, until I actually sit down to write. Then they all sound stupid.

Francly Speaking said...

'Hilarity Ensued' you made me wet myself on the way to the crush-pad!

Thomas said...

Yeast of Eden not as a Soap Opera but as a pH Opera--as in high pH = soapy. Ah, forget it.

I like Wark's new movement:
No More Tiers.

David Pierson said...

Great stuff Ron.. but you missed a couple of shows.. how about Hell's Wine Tasting Room or Tasting Room Nightmares.. I can just see it Walder tasting 200 plus wines in two hours that's a 9.5 9.0.. Winedoody.. oh it's such an honor to be on this show.. then we turn a chard into a cab with a little food coloring and they blow it in a blind tasting and I'm screaming, "You stoopid fuckin donkeys! Get out!"

Ron Washam, HMW said...

John,
Yeah, well, I know how you enjoy a good cold soak.

Thomas,
OK, pH Opera--a bit of a reach. Though I kind of like Phopera--classical music for metrosexuals.

David,
TAINT TV is still in the early stages. I'm sure there will be many more shows added to the already stellar lineup. Hell's Tasting Room is a pretty good idea--all the wines are orange. Or Gruner. Or part of the WSJ Wine Club.

Bob Henry (Los Angeles wine industry professional) said...

Good timing Ron, seeing as the Esquire [magazine] cable network debuts on September 23rd.

Their self-description:

"Esquire Network brings the iconic men’s brand to television with programming that explores and celebrates the interests, passions and aspirations of men today. Championing intelligence, wit and style, the network reflects a wide range of pursuits with male appeal, including: gaming, gear, entertainment, food, fashion, women, humor, travel, competition, danger and more.

Formerly known as G4, Esquire Network will launch this summer in 62 million households nationwide, as well as online, mobile, On Demand and other platforms. Esquire Network is a strategic partnership between NBCUniversal and Hearst Magazines, and is a unit of NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment, a division of NBCUniversal."

Dean Tudor said...

It is too great to pass up ... move with TAINT TV now -- it's better than Oprah's network ...

Go international. Can I helm the Canada desk? Lotsa pix of Gnat's hair-in-motion...Maybe even a Canadian twerking in the grape stomp...

Thomas said...

Esquire Network forgot to list one of the major male pursuits known as the "circle jerk."

62 million. Now that's a circle!

How can we apply this to wine?

TAINT TV's Circle Stomp?

Steve Pinzon said...

As a wine consumer rather than a professional, I'm thrilled with this concept. Finally: a TV channel for the Taint of Heart! Steve Pinzon

Tim Mcnally said...

Seriously loving Taint TV. I laughed. I winced. I cried. I ruined my keyboard. It is truly Appointment-With-Destiny TV. Tim

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Dean,
I'm not sure TAINT TV can afford a Canada desk yet. Maybe you can man the Canada Port-a-Potty.

Thomas,
Now you're thinking like a network executive! Steal ideas!

Steve,
It will be the ESPN of wine. That's short for eSpittoon.

Tim,
Hello, my friend, thanks for chiming in on the old blog!

Appointment-With-Destiny TV? Sounds like my 3 o'clock massage in San Francisco.

David Pierson said...

Ron..glad you like my idea for Hell's Tasting Room, but I gotta warn ya, if Ramsey is getting a quarter mil an episode for Hell's Kitchen, I want at least a half a mil an episode for Hell's Tasting Room... no change that.. I'll do it for free, it'd be too much fun to scream at and humiliate pompous bloggers, wine critics and somm turds...

The Sommeliere said...

Loved SOMM FUN, hell my license plate reads, "SOMM 1." You think I should have told the patron (when I was a somm) that he could use a Syrah glass
(whatever that is) for his Shiraz?
OOOPS!

David Pierson said...

And at the end of every episode the wine turd who's been the most patronizing, stupid and ludicrous with their descriptions and behavior gets voted off, has to turn in their cow bell and leave Hell's Tasting Room forever...