Thursday, November 21, 2013
Foreword by Hugh Johnson
In the past five years, by my count, only two new wine books did not feature a foreword by Hugh Johnson. One of the two books was written by him, and the other was by Natalie MacLean. The two books are a little hard to tell apart, though MacLean’s book has a foreword by Jayson Blair.
Actually, Johnson’s ubiquitous forewords read eerily the same, no matter what the wine book and who the author. I began to get suspicious. And then I remembered. I’d seen his forewords before, in an old copy of Mad Libs, originally published in the mid-1980’s. It took some digging, but I finally found the Mad Lib I was looking for. If you’re ever asked to write the foreword to a wine book, and what are the (tasteless adjective) chances you will, (slang for someone very stupid), here is your template. It works for Hugh!
Just when (second person pronoun) think there is nothing new to
say about wine, along comes (author’s name). You’re holding in
your (anatomical part) a wine book that manages to (bodily noise)
about wine to novices in a way that is both provocative and (oh,
just pick a goddam adjective). I found myself (verb) aloud how
(author’s name) has managed such a remarkable piece of
When I first began (gerund) about wine, I never dreamed that I’d
be so (adjective). Or that wine would become so much a part of
every day (activity). Now it seems that everyone (verb) a glass of
wine with every (noun). Never in the history of man has wine been
more (adjective). And, for that, we have a new generation of
writers to thank, most notably (author’s name). I tip my
(appendage) to him/her, and hope he/she grabs it and (verb) it all
Human history and wine go together like love and (sexual position).
If you try to separate the two, someone’s (noun) gets hurt.
(Author’s name) understands this, and is able to explain (plural
noun) and wine in a manner that even a (animal) would be able to
understand. He/she’s a (title) of wine, and there are only (number)
of those in the world. It would be wise of you to (verb) him/her, and
the (beast of burden) he/she rode in on.
In this (adjective) book, one that I wish that I’d (verb—past tense),
you’ll find the answers to many questions you may have about wine
and (noun). What is the proper way to (verb) wine? (Author’s
name) does a (adjective) job of explaining why putting wine in your
(orifice) is just the beginning, remembering that your (orifice) is
more than likely quite different than his/her (orifice). Vive le
(French word)! This is just one of the many (plural noun) that
(author’s name) provides in this (adjective) book.
My favorite wines have always been from (obscure French
appellation). I want to savor a glass on my death (furniture). And
when I do, you can be sure that this will be the book folded calmly
across my (body part).