Monday, March 3, 2014

The Commander of Wine!


I've been keeping a little secret, among all my really big secrets, like how I'm actually just a floating head in a jar of Pinot Grigio who writes with his brain waves like Stephen Hawking, though mine are more like brain ripples. After long and intensive study, ridiculously complicated and difficult tests, I have achieved the singular title, Commander of Wine! The exclamation point is always included. As Commander of Wine!, I rule all who put wine acronyms after their names. I am now Ron Washam, HMW, CW! To read about my astounding achievement, take the virtual leap over the Pond to Tim Atkin, a mere MW, sans "!." And watch for the even stupider movie about my momentous achievement, "COMM," coming soon. Please feel free to leave subservient and sycophantic remarks on  Tim's site, or leave them here and expect them to be rightfully ignored.

TIM ATKIN M.W.


14 comments:

Bob Henry (Los Angeles wine industry professional) said...

Ron,

Nice little pun:

“Question. Which is the biggest fraud? Rudy #fakewine, Hosemaster as CW #funnyasclimatechange, or Riedel Coke glass #stuffmoronsbuy” — Eric Asimov, NYT wit

~~ Bob

Unknown said...

Ron:
Did you develop your brain ripples by drinking Ripple? Inquiring minds want to know - well, we really don't give a hoot, but owl bet you're wishing I hadn't gone there...
George

Sparks said...

I don't care what title is bestowed on you, the title of 5th Beatle is the only one that matters and that is Eddie Murphy's and his alone! She loves you, ya, ya, ya, [man].

Mike Dunne said...

I read these posts for the postscript comments. In other words, I'm going to stop jumping over to the Tim Atkin site to read the HoseMaster once a month. Those Brits don't post nearly as interesting comments as the Americans. What happened to their famous dry wit?

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Congratulations love! I am so proud of you and um, I think I remember where your pants is...
You kill me but at least it's not softly, I like it jackhammery and side splitting.
I love you!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Gang,
The first Monday of the month usually means I have far fewer common taters to deal with. I think I have as many readers, but the distance from here to Tim Atkin seems to make the comments dissipate into nothingness. A nice break for everyone.

This piece sprang directly from meetng Christy Canterbury MW in Healdsburg--a fabulously lovely woman, by the way--and asking if she and Tim Atkin could find a way to make me an Honorary MW. All the other worthless institutions give away degrees, why not Masters of Wine? Then, in a lightning bolt of inspiration, I decided that to lord it over Masters of Wine, I'm declare myself Commander of Wine! Christy liked it, so I'm blaming her.

Mike,
I'm not sure my comedy translates well into English.

Dean Tudor said...

Holy Cow!! You are now a COW!

In Canada, that is a Commander of Whine! (we spell differently here; we smell differently here, too).

For years I have been signing myself as Dean Tudor, MWW (Master of Whine Writing). The degree pays more in Canada than in the US.

My current whine is that the temp outside has been at least -5 Celsius since Dec 20, dipping as low as -26 in Niagara -- enough to kill off even the icewine grapes....

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Dean,
Wow, that's colder than a Nat MacLean plagiarism. Hang in there, Dean.

gabriel jagle said...

That cucumber joke is my wife's favorite joke (except when she tells it, it's a potato).

Marcia Macomber said...

Oh, my! That was some much needed relief from the grind. (Still can't post a comment to Tim's site from Chrome. Hmmmm.)

Of course, for the additional exams I read "Prostate" and "Rectal" at first. Seemed fittingly paired (like red wine and chocolate! - Insert Samantha snort here.) But the limmerick was lovely!

Master AND Commander, eh? To command wine, was one of the practical items on the exam turning water into wine?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marcia Love,
I thought you'd decided to sit this one out. Glad you're here.

I was going to write a series of limericks about MW's, but decided one was enough. I know, not like me to be so restrained.

I don't command wine, Love, I command Masters of Wine. I can't turn water into wine, though I can turn MWs into the local authorities.

gabriel jagle said...

If you really want to impress people, turn an MW into a regular person

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Gabe,
Well, I'm Commander of Wine! because, like Pinocchio, I hope one day to be a real live boy. At the moment, I'm made of hollow chocolate.

Dean Tudor said...

...just in time for Easter