Monday, January 11, 2016

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine


Some of you morons are going to ask what qualifications I have to be a wine critic. I have better qualifications than the clowns who are writing about wine now, but, I admit, that’s not saying much. I mean, look at Robert Parker. He’s just some fat, old, former attorney. You know what I call fat, old, former attorneys? Bathroom attendants. I shake my schlong dry and they wipe up after. Who cares what that washed-up schlong mop thinks about wine? I know a lot more about wine than Parker does. I gave the greatest winery in the state of Virginia to my son. Well, my idiot son. But there you go, that just shows you I must be against abortion.

And don’t talk to me about Jim Laube. He couldn’t make it as a sports writer so he gets a gig with some wine magazine that people read while they’re taking a dump, and you’re going to take his wine advice? I feel sorry for you. Did you know he spits all the wine?! That’s disgusting. I never spit, not unless there’s a Muslim or a Mexican around. Or Megyn Kelly. I have ten wine cellars, and each one is bigger than Laube’s whole house. There’s your damned qualifications.

And who is this Antonio Balloni guy? Galloni? What’s his name? Balloni, Galloni, it’s all the same. No, listen, I like Antonio, he’s a nice guy. His wife, his wife is gorgeous. He’s probably too drunk most of the time to take care of her, but that’s her problem. Wouldn’t happen if she were my wife, just sayin’. He’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t have much of a palate. I know the guy, I’ve tasted with him, I’ve sat across from him, and, let me tell you, I had to explain the wines to him. The guy tells me the wine is corked, and there’s the cork sitting right there next to the open bottle! He’s an idiot. Though I’d do his wife, his wife is a babe.

When I’m your leading wine critic, we’re going to make wine great again! These guys, Parker and Laube and Galloni, they’ve ruined wine. Wine is worse now than it was when Jesus was making it. And that was some pretty nasty stuff back then. Well, what do you expect? Jesus was a Jew, and Jews don’t make good wine, everybody knows that. But it’s worse now. I’ve had every wine that those wine weaklings have given a hundred points. I’ve got cases of those wines. You know what? They stink. I wouldn’t let Hilary drink ‘em. I wouldn’t let Bill drink ‘em either because he’d go out and try to get some intern to taste from his meat thief.

If I made a wine that Parker gave a hundred points, I’d be ashamed of myself. Like I voted for a Kenyan for President of the United States. I’d just give up winemaking and go back to school and try to do something useful with my life. Like maybe be a suicide bomber at VinItaly. You have to be a terrible winemaker to get a hundred points from Parker. I feel sorry for those guys. I know even my idiot son wouldn’t hire a winemaker like that.

If I tell you a wine is great, that’s all you have to know. Just run out and buy as many bottles as you can afford. I don’t need to give it points. 88—94—107…what does that mean? 38-24-36, now we’re talking. Those are some points. I married those points, with a Double D after the first score. Who cares how many points you get? This isn’t the NBA! Black people don’t drink wine. I love black people, but they don’t drink wine. I think it’s genetic, like Asians. Anyway, when I’m your wine critic, there won’t be any points. Don’t need ‘em. They’re like tits on Bernie Sanders. Or Carly Fiorina, she may have some one day. Hey, Carly, I’m buyin’!

Once I’m in charge of what wines sell, I’m also going to clean up the winery business. Oh, they’re not gonna like it. But I don’t care. I’m not weak like that New York Times sissy Eric Asimov. Too bad Eric isn’t more like his Uncle Isaac. That guy was a great bartender! “The Love Boat,” what a great show. Captain Shtupping—I’ve been called that! This might shock you, but 97% of the wineries in this country employ illegal aliens! 97%! Mexicans!

Why are we letting Mexicans pick our wine grapes? It’s crazy. They cross our borders, they steal, they take our charity, they rape our women, then they pick our wine grapes. Where do they get their energy? It’s crazy to let Mexicans pick our wine grapes. What’s next? We let Al Qaeda build our airports? Boko Haram run the Girl Scouts? It’s gotta stop. I’d build a wall around wine country, see how many of them could get past it to pick grapes. I mean, France has all kinds of walls around their vineyards. They call ‘em Clos. It works. You never see a Mexican in Bordeaux. You don’t hear Parker talking about this problem, but he’s weak. The Emperor has no Clos.

This rating wine thing is easy. I’ll tell you how easy it is. I don’t even drink, and I’m the most powerful wine critic in the world. Drinking shows weakness. I’ll give them one thing, the Muslims got that right. Name one great leader who drank. OK, Churchill, but if it wasn’t for us Americans that fat slob ends up Hitler’s buttboy. Now Hitler, he didn’t drink. There was a leader! Yeah, he did some stuff he shouldn’t have, but the guy could throw a rally! I’m thinking maybe I should start the Trump Youth. Really, it’s simple, you want to be a leader, don’t drink and have cool hair.

When I’m the most famous wine critic, which is maybe a month or so away, after I start my new wine magazine, “Wine Trumptator,” you can be sure that I’ll be telling you the best wines to drink based on things far more important than taste. Like advertising. You want great wine reviews, you want the Trumptator seal of approval? Run some full-page ads in “Wine Trumptator!” Grow up, America. This is how business works. Oh, yeah, sure, some of you are going to whinge about how this isn’t fair to the little guy, the guy who can’t afford an ad in my magazine. Suck it up. Grow a pair. Or if you’re Hitler, grow one! This isn’t going to be Obama’s America where we blind taste and pretend we’re objective, where we try to support the little guy. Wine isn’t about objectivity. Wine isn’t about stories and dreams. Only losers think that. Wine is about prestige and power. You snuggle up to wine because you want to be seen as important and educated, like me. It won’t work, but try not to look stupid doing it, not like poor Bill Koch. Bill, I love you, I know you look up to me, but getting suckered by some pimply little Asian dude selling you fake wines? You’re a loser. Winners drink what I tell them to drink. Face it, you don’t know anything about wine or you wouldn’t be reading wine magazines in the first place.

So here’s my first recommendation. Meomi Pinot Noir. Buy it. The guy sold it to Constellation for 700 million dollars! I love the guy. Wagner. Wrote great operas, too. Who is this guy, I want to meet him. He’s a winner. Lots of ads, lots of press, bang, his crap wine gets lots of high scores! When I’m through, the wine business will never be the same.

29 comments:

William Stephenson said...

Now that's how you fucking politicize a blog!

Paul Moe said...

Don't ever quit.

Jerome Hasenpflug said...

Perfectly on spot... for both Trump and the wine business. Congratulations Hose!

Bryan Scott said...

There I go, spewing coffee out the nose again. Good writing does that to me. What a way to start the week.

Thank you, HoseMaster!

Michael Logan said...

Oh me oh mi.
Excellent

Ron Washam, HMW said...

William,
I found that when I was writing my Trump impersonation, he was sort of an old man Lo Hai Qu--only not quite as foulmouthed. If he hangs around the Presidential race, I just may revisit him as Emperor of Wine.

Paul,
Easy to say on your end of this crapola. On my end, well, it's the thought of quitting one day that keeps me going.

Jerome,
You know Trump would make wine great again! Thanks for the kind words.

Bryan,
Trump seemed an appropriate buffoon to follow up "A Strange Experience." Strange comes in many forms. Thanks for being a common tater.

Ziggy said...

So, The Trumpster would add "NEW" after his signature?

Bodega Almaroja said...

It´s been a while since you´ve taken a swipe at so many in one entry! Thanks Ron. My stomach hurts from laughing so much.

nojomo said...

This is amazing. Thank you for having a long Hose with amazing girth.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Ziggy,
It might be more like Emperor II. The Emperor Strikes Back.

Charlotte,
I just go where the Trump takes me, and he insults everyone and lies about everything, so what's more fun that? He's a gift from the Satire Gods.

Nojomo,
Many thanks.

Daniel said...

Hose,
what is amazing about the Donald is that you aren't really having to stretch and say crazy things (think Dana Carvey impersonating George HW Bush, or Chevy Chase doing Ford), every single word you wrote here sounds like something he either will say, or already might have.

It's only funny because it is true.

what a way to start the week.

Grazie!

Karl Kelsey said...

We ALL know that Mexicans are grape-picking experts! Been at it for years - handed down through generations.

Quizicat said...

The Emperor has no Clos. Nice!

Unknown said...

Hosemaster: Peaking early this year, are we? Hope you aren't going to take the rest of 2016 off. Lapsley

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Daniel,
Sadly, it's kind of a pleasure to write as the Donald. He has an easy Voice to imitate, speaks off the cuff, and thinks he's always right. Reminds me of a few wine writers I know. Thanks.

Karl,
I think the Mexicans even picked the very first vintage of Haut-Brion! Amazing.

Quizicat,
Yeah, well, kinda stupid joke, but I love the stupid jokes. Thanks for noticing.

Lapsley,
Don't tempt me.

Amy said...

Well said! You're not fired!

Marcia Macomber said...

It does, it does sound just like the Donald! Leave no insult unstated! Masterful!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Amy Darling,
Oh, I'm fired alright. I'm wood fired, Baby, check it and see.

Fuck, I can't get this guy out of my head.

Marcia Love,
As I was telling a friend of mine, Trump is basically Archie Bunker. Bigoted, sexist, ignorant, fearlessly stupid, and can't understand why people are laughing at him, or hate him. There was a time in my younger life when I wrote "All in the Family" scripts for practice--when I hear Trump calling people losers, I hear Archie calling his son-in-law Meathead. Try it. Read Trump, or listen to Trump, as Archie Bunker. It's amazing how dead on it is.

Fenton said...

Does the similarity to Archie Bunker have any impact on Donald's fan base? I wonder if a Bunker/Trump wine parody on SNL or some large market show would have any impact on them. Someone should send this in.

Misha (Misha's Vineyard) said...

Just brilliant. Damn there just aren't any other writers around who have the balls to write the way you do Ron. Even down here in NZ, we understand where you're coming from -- but we certainly don't know where you're headed to as every piece is a surprise! All hail Hosemaster of Wine! Cheers Misha

Wine doggie said...

Freaking funny!!!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Fenton,
Archie Bunker was always a character aimed at lampooning the old white man who doesn't understand why his world is turned upside down, why his world is unrecognizable to him. That's Trump, and that's the white Republicans he appeals to. A parody of "All in the Family" with Trump as Archie would work seamlessly. Watch, they'll probably steal my idea. But that's comedy.

Misha,
Wine writers tend to reflect the stuffiness and tradition of wine. Originality is never the pursuit. I'm just screwing around with the whole thing, and I don't care what people think, and I don't care about convention and "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." You get the feeling wine writers have their pinkies in the air as they write.

Wine is a trivial pursuit. To treat it as though it's of vital importance is simple hubris. Add to the hubris an almost fatal lack of talent, and there's the state of this "Golden Age" of wine writing.

Wine Doggie,
Freaking thanks!

Brian Yost said...

This is priceless! Great work.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Every time my 6 year old neighbor sees Trump on the television he puts his tiny hand on his hip, sticks that hip out before rolling his eyes and with an exasperated tone says, "This guy again?!" kinda the same way I feel when anyone talks about the "Next Robert Parker". I mean what's the point of that, Parker is dead, you reported it years ago. Donald is right about Galloni's wife, totally gorgeous but that's not all that shocking seeing as in the world of wine Galloni is a bit of a Clooney in a sea of Mich McConnells.

Just popping in for my weekly giggle. Time for this French wine lady to shower and get my Clos on.
I love you!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous, One-Legged Samantha,
The Donald was a fun voice to use, to be honest. The bullshitter is a classic comedy bit. As I said above, he's sort of Archie Bunker, though he's got a lot of Jon Lovitz' SNL Liar in him, too. If I'd had any sense, this would have been Larry Anosmia's voice, but Larry Anosmia MS is more of a wine snob and an idiot, not just an idiot.

You just showed up here on Tuesday? Guess I've lost my charm.

I love you, too!

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Lost your charm? With me?! Impossible. Sometimes I like to wait so I let your other adoring fans fawn on ya, and so I don't get called common, tater or not. It was actually the One-Legged thing that done lamed me up yesterday....

Yes, Trump is Bunker-ish but Archie Bunker was an exaggerated television character, Trump is the fucking front runner for the Republican presidential candidate. Which would be funny for a sitcom, not so much for the nation. Terrifying.

Charlie Olken said...

I'm guessing that this one goes down as a classic because it hits the truth head on, and we all love it.

Unknown said...

What Charlie Said.

ANONYMOUS I

Gary & Alison Dyer said...

Best channeling of the season. Hope you can get him out of your head.