Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Worst Wine Marketing Slogans


Wine as natural as asphalt.

Your wine tasting experience isn’t complete until you visit wine country’s only vomitorium!

Our wines are as sustainable as an erection at a slaugherhouse.

Our wines are made in a natural and environmentally-conscious way as a promise to our customer that only the alcohol will kill you.

If it makes you feel any better, our ABV is completely fabricated.

Your tasting fee back if we check your ID.

If it weren’t for the herbicides, we’d be organic.

Voted “One of Ten New Wineries to Watch” by the Department of Health.

We’re marginally better than wines half our price.

Wine Spectator said of our Cabernet, “Now I know what my dog tastes when he licks his balls.”

Wine for people who still giggle when they hear, “bungholes.”

We always note the date our bubbles were disgorged, just like Michael Jackson did.

It was a trip to Napa Valley in 2003 that convinced us to pursue our dream and buy a vineyard in Lodi.

All of our wines are fermented by native yeasts. An Arapaho sits in our Pinot Noir.

We’re not happy with our wine unless you’re not happy with our wine.

Our favorite red blend was recently awarded, “Most Likely to Be Seen at Traffic Accidents”

The grapes come from a vineyard right next to a famous Superfund site!

Ask yourself, if our wines weren’t natural would we be able to say they were? Of course we would!


14 comments:

Unknown said...

Our Pinot Noir combines sharp acetone elements with an unmistakable horseradish aroma.
Decanting is recommended.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Unknown Comic,
Sounds like the perfect Pinot Noir for prime rib. Though I'd say, "Decanting in the hazardous waste room is recommended."

Vin de Terre said...

Pinotage. That's not a fault, it's asphalt.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Vin,
There you go. Nice.

I was thinking, "Pinotage, it's not your average emetic."

andystarr said...

"Voted Winery of the Year by Modern Narcissist"

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Andy,
That's perfect. Nicely done.

Of course, the cover of Modern Narcissist is a mirror. Napa winery owners all think they've won.

Jim Selfridge said...

Short but poignant. First laugh today, thanks Ron!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Jim,
Thanks, glad to be of service.

I have been trying to sit and write little bits of comedy for about an hour on my days off. Writing once a month for Tim Atkin is hard for me to do without doing any writing in between. I've just started doing this, so we'll see how long it lasts... I thought I'd publish these little shorts now and then as EPHEMERA.

I'll wait to see what the reaction is to them. Not worried about it, just curious. I hope folks like a few cheap laughs now and then. Short and stupid--my specialty.

Richard Warland said...

This Cabernet owes its French character to 3 hours in a Renault 10

David said...

Talking about short and stupid: "The aftertaste of our wines is short and stupid - just like your life!"

Thank you for a good chuckle, Hosemaster.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Richard,
Excellent. For some reason, your line reminds me of a classic line often used at wine competitions:

What I like about the wine is that the fruit doesn't get in the way of the oak.

Thanks for being a common tater.

David,
The problem with the wine business has always been too many chuckleheads, not enough chuckles. I do what I can.

Many thanks!

Wine Project Management said...

Hi Ron,
Many years ago The Wine Spectator wrote up my Stone Creek Zinfandel with a very low score
(back in the days when WS was still somewhat objective in their wine reviews and actually gave scores below 75 points). WS said "it's worse than the worst swamp water." The entire run sold out in 3 weeks! Do slogans really matter? Maybe only to the people who write them!

Ron Washam said...


WPM,
Slogans are what keep marketing people employed, which may be their only purpose. "Worse than the worst swamp water" is quite the catch phrase. Apparently, the worst swamp water received 76 points. 100 point swamp water is very hard to come by.

Great story. Thanks for being a common tater.

Paul in St. Augustine said...

I can't drink Sancerre, it always pisses me off.