HoseMaster of Wine™
"We all live slapstick lives, under an inexplicable sentence of death..."--Martin Gardner
Monday, August 6, 2018
Natural Disaster Wines
Natural Wines are so last year. Oh, there’s the usual set of One Trick Phonies out there who will never stop evangelizing for Natural Wines...
Monday, July 2, 2018
The HoseMaster of Wine™ Sits for the Master of Wine Exam
I recently sat for the Master of Wine exam. I was in my own apartment, alone, and I was wearing only a bath robe and a Donald Trump merkin,...
Monday, June 4, 2018
A Visit to the Napa Valley Old Wine Critics Home
“You want to know what really drives me nuts?” Sam Euthanasia, World’s Oldest Wine Critic, tells me, “The whole place smells like pee. It’s...
Monday, May 7, 2018
Erotica for the Natural Wine Lover
He was the most handsome man in the bar. I knew he was the one when he walked over to the jukebox and selected my favorite song—The Police’...
Monday, April 2, 2018
The NRA Wine Club--Locked and Loaded!
Hello, I’m Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association inviting you to become a member of the NRA Wine Club. At the NRA, we believe th...
Monday, March 5, 2018
The A.I. of Wine Spectator
The two words that come to mind when one thinks of the “Wine Spectator’s” lineup of wine critics—James Laube, Matt Kramer, Tim Fish, James ...
Monday, February 5, 2018
So You Wanna Be a Wine Judge.Com!
Hello! And welcome to So You Wanna Be a Wine Judge.Com! , your online wine judge certification program. Once you complete this simple onlin...
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
The Future of Wine (1988)
When I first began blogging about wine back in 1988, there wasn’t even an internet. The whole world was like North Korea, except with dogs....
Monday, December 18, 2017
The HoseMaster of Wine's™ Cover Letter to Wine Advocate
Dear Ms. Perrotti-Brown, I thought I’d save you the trouble of contacting me first. I know with all of the recent defections from “Wine Adv...
Friday, December 8, 2017
The HoseMaster of Wine's™ Letter to Santa 2017
Dear Santa, This Christmas, I don’t want anything for myself. I have everything I need, Santa. A cellar filled with the great wines of the ...
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