Weaners

Damned Weaner

They ignore our laws, our borders, our boundaries, our whistles and clickers. They take jobs from unemployed Americans. They breed relentlessly and resist any form of birth control. They congregate in large numbers in parks and on street corners begging. They urinate in public. Yes, we depend on them. But at what cost? They never bother to learn the English language. They tax our abilities to feed them, take food from the mouths of our grandmothers. They smell. They have horrible breath. They want a better life but don’t feel the need to contribute to American society. Most of them are illegal, unlicensed--estimates go as high as 70%. When do we stop the madness? When do we finally rid ourselves of this economic and societal plague? When do we finally throw them all out of this great republic and slam the door behind them once and for all?

I’m talking, of course, about dogs.

Or, to be politically correct, Canine Americans. Or, to be politically incorrect, Weaners. Off the bitch’s teat and onto ours—Weaners. Lazy damn Weaners. Isn’t time that we as a nation face the Weaner problem the way the dogs themselves do? Stick our nose into the dark tunnel of Weaners and inhale until we recognize the shit we’re knee-deep in? Our lives and our economy teeter on the brink of disaster, yet we ignore the root cause of the problem—Dogs! They’re not citizens. They are not entitled to the American way of life. They haven’t earned those rights as we have as citizens of this great country, by paying taxes, voting, and serving on juries. Have you ever seen a Weaner on jury duty? OK, there was a bitch on “American Idol,” but that’s not the same.

Now before you start calling me prejudiced let me say that I do not condemn all Weaners. Many fine Weaners contribute to our society. Many have served in the military; and a few dedicated Weaners have sniffed out more drugs than the entire wait staff at Hooters. Weaners do wonderful work with the blind and the infirm, hunt down escaped criminals, fetch Dick Cheney hunting accident victims… Some of my best friends are Weaners. My anger isn’t directed at those Weaners here legally, those who contribute to society and have real jobs, like working for Michael Vick. No, those Weaners are welcome.

Making the elderly homeless

But what about the others? The curs and mongrels and half-breeds that are bankrupting us. Let’s look, as an example of what I’m talking about, at wineries. Almost every winery you visit in California, and other states as well, depends upon the labor of illegal Weaners! This is unconscionable, and leaves as bad a taste in my mouth as Monterey County Cabernet. Nearly every winery has a winery dog, a Weaner, to greet you as you arrive to taste their $100 Cabernet. A recent survey found that fully 75% of those winery Weaners are illegal and unlicensed aliens! This is a shameful fact that is right under our collective noses. And those Weaners, hundreds of them, take jobs from Americans. Imagine if Wal-Mart fired all of their octogenarian greeters and replaced them with mutts. The uproar would be deafening! And what’s the difference, you ask? Both Grampa and the Weaner have a wet spot about belt high! Well, yes, but Grampa is a citizen of this great country, a citizen entitled to a job. Yes, the Weaner works for less, but I’ll bet if you ask him, Grampa would also work for tummy rubs and a handful of dog biscuits. Isn’t that what Grandma gives him every night for dinner on his Wal-Mart salary? Every time a Dog greets you at a tasting room remember that because of that Weaner one of our senior citizens, maybe someone in your family, perhaps your weird Uncle Benny who wears condom wrappers as war medals, has been denied a job. Perhaps your bottle of wine is a little bit cheaper because of this illegal worker, but aren’t you willing to pay a bit more if it means a stronger economy for you, for your family, for your grandchildren?

Next time you’re visiting wine country and a Weaner greets you at a winery door, demand that the winery hire an American citizen to work as the greeter. Be loud and forceful so that everyone can hear you. Refuse to buy their overpriced wines until they agree. And, maybe, just maybe, if you’re angry enough, lure the Weaner into your car and take him to the nearest Humane Society where they’ll give him a scholarship to study abroad with their prestigious organization, Youth in Asia. You’ll be doing the Weaner, and all of us, a favor, while simultaneously helping lower the unemployment rate.

Weaners are the wine business’ dirty little secret. Owners say they check their Weaners, but do they? Most winery owners play fast and loose with their Weaners, believe me, that’s why so many of them end up in divorce court and lose their wineries. As right-thinking Americans, we need to rid the wine business of Weaners. Round them up and get rid of them. The future of our country depends upon it.

I have an idea. Maybe we should follow the example of that great democracy North Korea and grind them up to feed the hard-working men and women who pick the grapes. Those fine folks are the very backbone of the wine business and not squeamish about what they eat. Just seems like an obvious solution.