My Questionably Funny Valentine

Are you in love with a wine connoisseur? I’m sorry. Wine isn’t a hobby, it’s a disease, like the mumps, or scarlet fever, or professional football. Wine lovers make the worst lovers. They use condoms made by Riedel. Which always break. They think an Ah-So is designed for Her Pleasure. They rate their orgasms. “Sorry, Baby, that was 89—Highly Recommended but hardly Worth Seeking Out.” But you love them, and you want to make them happy on Valentine’s Day. Forget the prix fixe dinner (my prix fixe in Sonoma is 707), the overpriced Flowers (Pinot Noir and Chardonnay), or the latest overhyped box of chocolates (chocolates are to sex what clowns are to circuses—just a way to get to the animal acts). Here are some better ideas to make Valentine’s Day unforgettable for your personal, beloved wine geek.

The Inflatable Celebrity Winemaker

For those lonely nights when you can’t be with your wine lover, there is a new designer line of inflatable celebrity winemakers—SCOREGASM! For him, the fabulous Heidi Peterson Barrett Scoregasm doll. It whispers in his ear as he nears his peak, “You’re a 100 point Screaming Eagle, Baby, I’ll make you soft and juicy.” Or maybe he’d prefer the Helen Turley Wine Goddess model, though, truthfully, you can only get a used one at this point. Most of the Turley models were bought up by her old winemaking clients who are now doing to her what she did unto them.

For her, the fully-loaded Michel Rolland Scoregasm Limited Edition model might make her lonely nights a bit more satisfying. Astride his glistening thief, she’ll hear the magic words, “Come fly with me, Baby, you’re so ripe.” Or maybe she’d prefer the Paul Hobbs Scoregasm model. But be careful, the Paul Hobbs model is spread awfully thin.

There’s little doubt that the wine lover in your life has always dreamed of sex with a celebrity winemaker. Here’s their chance. But be careful they don’t get burned. Just like the real live winemakers, they are full of hot air.

Guest Critic

"Treasure of Sierra Madre Vineyard"

Recently, the major wine publications, and also Wine and Spirits, have decided to open up their reviewing ranks to those wine enthusiasts willing to pay for the privilege. The fee differs from publication to publication (Wine Spectator charges $500, while Food & Wine’s fee is pegged to ten cents per subscriber, currently $1.40), but for the money your wine squeeze will be given free samples of dozens of wines to score. Why, it’s damned near like being a wine blogger, just without all that cumbersome prestige. Make sure and taste the wines blind! You gave your word. OK, go ahead, peek, it’s what all the pros do. There, isn’t this the best Valentine’s Day gift ever? Pretend you’re James Laube and just make a bunch of numbers up. Better yet, you’re Robert Parker! Write a column about Hot New Wineries, then give them outrageous scores. See, you were right. They are HOT! It’s fun to be a professional wine critic. Credentials? Credentials? We don’t need no stinkin’ credentials. We got opinions, and we got numbers, and we got a glossy magazine to put them in. Just imagine the fun your wine guzzling partner will have acting like the pros! But, remember, just because you hand out ratings on borrowed authority that doesn’t mean you can accept large speaking engagement honorariums. Well, not and get caught.

The Complete Charles Shaw Vertical

Trader Joe’s, in celebration of ten years of selling Charles Shaw wines, is offering a Limited Edition Vertical Release of every vintage of Charles Shaw Merlot. It’s damned near twenty bucks worth of wine! Which is more than you can say for most shipments of the Wall Street Journal Wine Club. And, as part of the celebration, each vertical comes with a Fred Franzia bobblehead doll, sure to delight your wine lover, as well as frighten rats. Trader Joe’s has sold 50 million cases of Charles Shaw wines. I kid you not. Two Buck Chuck is the FaceBook of wine. They’re both not for real friends.

Credentials

No, you don’t need them to guest critique wines, but wouldn’t your wine lover like to have a bunch of initials after his/her name? Oh, you know it! The absolute pride in having a business card with CSW or WSET or LS/MFT after your name, it’s immeasurable! Well, now it’s also easy. Under new laws recently passed by Congress as part of a new jobs program, if you meet anyone with a CSW, WSET, or MS and you know more about wine than they do, you can hijack their initials! It’s easy, and it’s fun! Aim low, start with the CSW. Ten minutes of wine talk, go easy now, don’t confuse them, they can and will spit, and you’ll have your CSW. It's just that simple. Then just talk to your wine lover about the subject and, bang, the CSW is his. It’s Tag for wine dweebs. It’s all legal and it’s all fun. It’s the perfect Valentine for your wine dork. Don’t feel bad, the WSET holder you robbed can get another one. Soon everyone who wants a wine credential will have one and they’ll all be meaningless. Wait. How would that be different?