The Emperor of Wine Donald Trump Wins Best Wine Ever Made at San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition!

OK, let me just say this. I’m very proud to announce that my Trump 2014 Blanc de Blanc was named the Greatest Sparkling Wine Ever Made by the San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition. Ever made! That includes Donald Perignon and Vulva Clicquot, a bottle I grabbed last night because I can. This fantastic sparkling wine carries on a proud Trump tradition—it will certainly sell out.


In a previous life, I was a judge at the San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition. It's been several years since I last participated. At the 2019 judging, held a few weeks ago in Sonoma County, the Trump Blanc de Blanc was judged the Sweepstakes Winner for Best Sparkling Wine. I had schadenfreude so bad I had to have the smirk surgically removed from my face.

The result gave me the excuse to drag out the old Trump voice once again in service of lampooning the annoying institution of wine competitions. I'm as guilty as every other wine writer in giving a free pass to what a mockery of wine evaluation wine competitions are. We all probably share the same reason for ignoring their many flaws and hypocrisies--we love being invited to judge! After publication of this piece, those days may be over for me.

To read the rest of POTUS' (Prevaricator of the United States) victory speech you'll have to jump to Tim Atkin's site. You're always welcome to leave your thoughts, reactions, criticisms or car keys there. Or, if you prefer, you may, of course, leave your comments here--that is, if you can make it past the wall.

TIM ATKIN MW

The Emperor of Wine Donald Trump's Guerrilla Guide to Wine

Wine is simple, folks. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s simple. Believe me, I know simple. I married simple. Wine isn’t hard to understand. It isn’t hard to understand, trust me. Angela Merkel is hard to understand. I think she’s German. Must be German, she has that little mustache. Why is there a woman running Germany? I don’t get it. It’s crazy. No wonder the country is so cold it can only grow mediocre Riesling, it’s basically Herr-less.


This piece was inspired by Andrew Jefford's recent series about wine published at Decanter.com. Here's a link: http://www.decanter.com/wine-news/opinion/jefford-on-monday/guerrilla-guide-to-wine-part-one-374001/  When I read Jefford's piece my first reaction was that he was trying to outFolly Wine Folly. Who do they think reads Decanter? Aspiring sommeliers with head trauma? I found the piece hilarious, but not for the reasons Jefford probably thinks it's hilarious. So I decided to resurrect Donald Trump, the New Emperor of Wine, to lampoon it. As I've written previously, the Trump voice is fun to do, and easy. But you'll have to jump to Tim Atkin's remarkable site to read the rest. I hope you decide to leave a comment there, perhaps in your own version of our beloved President's voice.

TIM ATKIN MW

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine, Explains His First 90 Days

“Three score and ten years ago, my father brought forth upon the incontinent a new President, conceived in a couple of seconds and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, and all women are basically available.”

How’s that for an opening to my big speech? I just made Lincoln better, folks. “Honest Abe.” Where does that come from? Let me tell you something. Lincoln was our most overrated President. Very unpopular. I mean, they shot him in a Booth! What does that tell you? I’ll tell you what it tells you, the guy was a loser. Yeah, sure, he freed the slaves, the Great Ejaculator and all that. So what? I like Presidents that finish their terms. He’s got a nice Memorial though, that Lincoln Memorial, I’ll give him that. Have you seen it? Classy, like something I’d have on my front lawn. I’ll definitely have the greatest memorial ever. I’m telling you, folks, it’s going to be the greatest memorial ever. It’ll be yuge! My hair will be made of solid gold. Maybe I’ll have that Jeff Koons build it. He’s a great artist, the greatest, have you seen those big shiny balloon animals he makes?, they’re fantastic. A guy that can make shiny balloon animals is the perfect guy to make my memorial, and, folks, you know I love Koons. Anyway, wait until you see my Emperor of Wine Memorial. I know most of you can’t wait.

It’s 2017, can you believe it, and I’m your New Emperor of Wine. I’m going to get right to work fixing wine. There’s a lot to do. A lot to do. I have a list of what I’m going to do in the first ninety days I’m Emperor of Wine. In just the first ninety days, I know, it’s incredible, it’s fantastic. These things are going to happen, folks, because I’m here to make wine great again. I’m here to be everybody’s Emperor of Wine.

The first thing that’s going to happen is I’m going to appoint my staff. These are people you can trust to do their best for wine, and they’re all incredible people, just brilliant, and they all want to work for me. I mean, just listen to these names, folks, these are big names, the biggest, it’s just incredible.

I’m appointing Jon Bonné to taste all the wines from Australia. Jon is the greatest wine writer working today, bar none, the greatest. He knows so many words, folks, so many words. I mean, you go to dinner with him, he literally sits on a dictionary! It’s amazing. “Malolactic”—he knows what that means! I thought it was my wife’s real name, Malolactic, and that’s what makes her so creamy. Jon’s going to be fantastic, and I know he’s going to fix Australian wine. I don’t like Australian wine. Not one bit. Yellow Tail? That’s fake news, folks. I’m don’t do that. I know Jon is going to make sure Australian wines get back on track. He’s the leading authority on Australian wines and wrote a book on it, “The New California Wines.” These are great credentials.

Speaking of California, everybody wants to know what I think about California. Overrated. It’s the most overrated state in the union, the most overrated. And the most overrated wines in the world are California wines. They all taste the same. I’ve tasted them all, folks, and they all taste the same, like they passed through your Colin Powell. And it’s not going to matter anyway. In the first ninety days, I’m going to build a wall. And the Mexicans are going to pay for it. Now I didn’t say how they were going to pay for it, but they are, you can count on that, maybe a piñata tax, and it’s going to be yuge, a really nice, big wall. Well, it doesn’t have to be that big, Mexicans are small people. And then once the wall is there, the one the Mexicans are paying for, who’s going to pick the grapes in Napa Valley? I’ll tell you who. Nobody. And they’re not going to pick the food either because those people are criminals and rapists and I don’t want them handling my food. Though I am proposing that until we can get all that produce harvested mechanically, we temporarily hire the former employees of Ringling Bros circus to help pick grapes. Those clowns should feel right at home in Napa.

I’m also announcing today that covering all of France, all of France, including the hard parts, is Madeline Puckette. I mean, it’s just French wine, and Madeline knows everything about French wine, absolutely everything. She’ll show those French. They’re such snobs, folks, it’s unbelievable, they think they have the best wines in the world, like their schist don’t smell. Madeline’s going to tell them the way things are. She’s got fantastic charts of everything, pie charts and graphs and Venn diagrams. Though I don’t care Venn, I only care why. There is no greater expert writing about wine today than Madeline, no bigger expert. Listen, what she doesn’t know about wine… What she doesn’t know about wine, people, could literally fill hundreds of books. I’m not kidding. She’s already filled one, it’s called “Wine Folly.” You should read it, it’s fantastic. Donald, Jr. read it, it's even simple enough for him, and usually he can’t even read Lemony Snickett, which I had once, it was really itchy, believe me, really itchy, but some penicillin cleared it right up. Madeline will bring simple to French wine and finally get rid of those pesky facts. Highly overrated, facts highly overrated.

In the coming days I’ll have even more appointees for you. My people are talking to everybody. Everybody wants to be part of my wine empire, everybody. Especially the really big people. I can’t even find jobs for all of them! It’s incredible. I had to tell Jancis, “No.” Lettie Teague! Lettie Teague, Ladies and Gentleman, I had to tell her, “No.” Can you imagine turning down Lettie Teague? Who does that? Karen MacNeil, “No! Not a chance!” And she wrote the damned Bible. I had to turn down all of these lovely ladies, all of them begging for Burgundy from me. They throw themselves at the Emperor of Wine, it’s unbelievable, they’ll let you do anything. Yeah, I grabbed their Volnay, a handful of Pousse d’Or, but that was that, I mean, what else could I do? I'm the Emperor of Wine.

And after all my appointments, then I build the wall, and then I take apart the A.C.A.—the Affordable Cab Act. People ask me all the time, all the time, it’s fantastic, when I’m going to get rid of Affordable Cab, and, believe me, it’s the first thing I’m going to do. People don’t want Affordable Cab, Affordable Cab isn’t working, it’s terrible, Affordable Cab is a yuge ripoff, it’s ruining our economy, and I’m going to end it, and replace it. I don’t know with what yet, but I have my people working on it.

Though I’m thinking, VODKA!

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine, Explains His Rating System

I’m doing a fantastic job as the new Emperor of Wine. Fantastic. The wine business has never been more honest, folks. It’s not exactly a secret that wine reviewing is completely corrupt. I mean, there are publications giving scores to wine that don’t accept advertising! I’m not kidding. Not a single advertisement. Not for wine, not for cars, not for jewelry. Nothing. That’s not the America we want to live in. You can’t trust a magazine that doesn’t take advertising. I think that’s obvious. Ask yourself, where does a publication that doesn’t accept advertising get its money? Not from subscriptions, that’s crazy. You can’t make money from subscriptions. There’s no tax breaks for subscriptions, and that’s where the money is, believe me. I’ll tell you where they get the money, folks. The Saudis.


Well, before the days of Trump are done this November, I thought I'd run this bit into the ground. Only this time the rest of the piece is over at the Wine Journal, part of the Wine Advocate's new free content site. Hey, they pay me, which is more than you can say. I won a damn writing award! Time to sell out!

Comments aren't allowed there, they probably can't afford a fulltime moderator to keep out the haters, so return here, if is suits you, to do your common tatering. I appreciate it. Now go!

WA WINE JOURNAL

Donald Trump's World Atlas of Wine

What is it with you people that you want to know what I think about wine all the time? When I became the new Emperor of Wine, and, really, I’m doing a fantastic job, just fantastic, I didn’t know I’d have to spend all my time educating all of you on wine. I have people for that. Great people, the best people. I only work with the greatest people. I mean, look at Mike Pence, my Vice President. Nobody had heard of him before I hornswaggled him to run with me, and, I guarantee this, folks, no one will ever hear from him again.

Everyone is sick of Donald Trump, except satirists. I thought it might be fun to have the Donald talk about wines of the world. And he does, only it's over at Tim Atkin's site. You'll have to go there to read the rest of Trump's insights into wine. As always, feel free to leave a comment there. This is going to be Yuge!

TIM ATKIN MW

Donald Trump, the Emperor of Wine, Announces Trump International Tasting Sweepstakes!

You know what, there’s too many wine competitions. Too many, folks. And you know who’s running a lot of them? Newspapers! What the hell are newspapers doing running wine competitions? They don’t even have wine writers anymore. Really. There are no wine writers working at newspapers, not the real newspapers. There’s some at other papers, but they’re not real writers. Let’s face it, Lettie Teague is no Bill O’Reilly. By the way, Bill’s got a new book coming out about me. It’s called, “Killing the Republicans.” Gonna be YUGE!  And not only do the newspapers have wine competitions, they have wine clubs! Unbelievable. The New York Times has a wine club! I guess the motto is, “All the juice that’s fit to spit.” Yeah, that’s good. Though “Juice” kinda sounds like “Jews”, which is probably right.

Listen, if I told you how those wine competitions work, it would make you sick. They’re all fake, ladies and gentlemen. 100% bogus. Believe me, Donald Trump, your Emperor of Wine, knows fake. Those gold medals and platinum medals and Zirconium medals, they don’t mean anything! Or double gold medals. Can someone explain to me what a double gold medal is? They don’t have double gold medals at the Olympics, do they? What is that? You win the 100 meter dash, and get Zika virus? You know, speaking of the Olympics, I asked Melania to get a Brazilian, and now our maid speaks Portuguese. She’ll be a great First Lady. She'll be better than Dolly Madison, and with better donut holes. But I’m telling you, there’s no such thing as a double gold. Unless you’re talkin’ about my nuts.

So today, I, Donald Trump, your Emperor of Wine, am announcing the launch of my latest wine empire—the Trump International Tasting Sweepstakes. Believe me when I tell you this is going to be big. Really big. T.I.T.S. is going to be YUGE. We’re going to make wine competitions great again. This country needs one great wine competition, and I’m the guy who can make that happen. I’m going to beat all those other wine competitions like a rap star’s wife.

First of all, I’m going to have great judges. The greatest judges in the world. Those other wine competitions, they have terrible judges. Really. Most of them aren’t even very qualified. Or they’re really prejudiced, like that Mexican judge who hates me and thinks Trump University is a fraud. Listen, if I want to see a Mexican on the bench, I can go to my local park, there’s a hundred of ‘em, I don’t need to go to court. Anyway, all you have to do is look at the list of wine judges for any major wine competition and you’ll see what I mean. Who are these people? I don’t know a single one of them. Why do I care what they think about wine? They’re losers. Every one of them. And it’s the same losers at every competition! Some of these so-called judges judge at twenty or thirty competitions! That’s crazy. That’s not the America we want to live in. You don’t get to vote in thirty elections; you get one vote, if you’re lucky. It’s un-American the way wine competitions are run. Except they also don’t let anyone vote that’s poor and black. I get that. I get that.

TITS is going to have the greatest judges in the world. Big names. Names you recognize. Howard Stern. Yes. Howard Stern is going to be one of the wine judges. Charlie Sheen. I know, I know, Charlie Sheen! Big star. And knows about drinking, actually knows something about wine. Barbara Walters! Who can you trust more than Barbara Walters? No, she’s not dead. I know, I thought she was, too. See, these are the kind of people I’ll have judging TITS—Howard Stern and Charlie Sheen. And I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get Cosby, too. Man, don’t leave the room when you’re judging with the Cos, you never know what’s going to be in your wine when you get back. You wake up stuck with the Bill.

We don’t need any other wine competitions, we only need TITS. Once I get this thing going, I’m going to ban all the other wine competitions. They don’t belong in this country. We’ve put up with their tactics long enough. You walk into a store to buy a bottle of wine, and every bottle, every bottle, has a gold medal from somebody. It’s crazy. It’s insane. It’s like giving everyone in this country who works hard, the ones who weren’t even born here, citizenship. We don’t do that. If you’re not born here, you’re not American. Like Ted Cruz, and Obama, and Céline Dion—they’re not Americans, folks. They’re all Canadians, all born in Canadia. Though I love Céline Dion, especially with the Belmonts. And most of those wines at the store, the ones with gold medals? They’re not gold medal wines, folks. We give gold medals to every wine, we might as well allow Muslims to be citizens. And then what? You wake up one day and every city has a Ramadan Inn. Not on my watch.

Every wine that gets a gold medal from TITS is going to be fantastic. Fantastic. You can go to any store in the country, buy a wine that has a TITS gold medal, and it will be fantastic. In fact, I’m not going to call them “gold medals.” They’re going to be “Donalds.” Mark my words, by next year, every winery in the world is going to be bragging that their wine got a Donald. There aren’t going to be any silvers or bronzes. Who the hell cares about a silver medal? If you’re a winery, why are you bragging that you got a silver medal? That’s like bragging that you’re a woman. Yeah, it’s fine, it’s slightly better than nothing, but it’s not a Donald! It’s second best at best. Never brag about a silver medal. You’re just not good enough. You’re a loser. Your wine is like Ben Carson. Why is it even here?

The Trump International Tasting Sweepstakes is going to have more entries than any other wine competition. By a lot. I’m thinking 25,000 entries. That’s every wine on the planet that we’re going to judge. Every wine. And that’s just for starters. And only the greatest wines in the world are going to be given a Donald. Nothing pink. I promise you, nothing pink is going to get a Donald. Wine is red or white, not pink. And not orange. Nothing good is orange. Except my hair. It’s wine writers who gave us so much pink wine and orange wine, and there won’t be any wine writers judging TITS, though most stare at them like they’re aliens. Orange wine! What is that? Yeah, they screwed up red wine by making it pink, so now they have to screw up white wine by making it orange. No Donalds. I promise you.

While I'm Emperor of Wine there won’t be any more wine competitions. Those no-name wine judges will all be homeless. Well, that’s no big deal, most of them are now. But you’ll be able to go to the store, find a wine that won a Donald, and know that it will be the most fantastic wine you ever tasted. And everyone will know what a great American you are, that you support Trump, that you’re the kind of American who put Donald in his mouth, and swallowed.

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine, Rates the 2015 Bordeaux

You know what’s wrong with Bordeaux? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with Bordeaux. It’s made by French people. Did you know that? Yeah, totally made by French people. So no wonder I didn’t like any of the 2015 Bordeaux I tasted—French people are losers. You know what happens when they have a challenging vintage? They surrender. I mean, name one Frenchman who had balls. And don’t give me Napoleon, the guy was a fruitcake and they named a pastry after him. And he ends up on an island with Idris Elba. What the hell is Napoleon doing with a black guy on an island off of Italy? Honeymooning? I don’t know, that’s the French for you. So the way I see it, Bordeaux sucks because it’s made by French people. I wish I’d known that before I tasted it.

It’s not that I don’t like French people. The press tries to make me out to be a racist, or some kind of bigot, but I don’t get that, I really don’t. Listen, I had sex with a lot of French women. I don’t like to brag, and I’m not going to mention any names, which are French anyway and hard to say, but there are a lot of French women rode to the top of the Trump Tower. So I know a lot about the French, and French women, so let me say this, these women are natural. It’s a good thing I didn’t marry one of them. We’ve already had too much Bush in the White House.

So I guess as your new Emperor of Wine, I’m supposed to tell you what I think about the 2015 vintage in Bordeaux. It’s disgusting. No, really, the stuff is horrible. A lot of people aren’t going to like me saying that. But I’m not afraid to say what I think, and I’m certainly not worried about whether what I say is true or not. Weaklings spend their lives worried about what’s true. I’m the new Emperor of Wine, and I’m just going to tell you what I think you want to hear, or what I just feel like saying off the top of my head. Why do people pay so much money for Bordeaux? It’s not that good, really, it’s not that good. You know what? I’d rather drink Ted Cruz’s wife’s bathwater, and, well, you’ve seen her, she can scare ugly off a WalMart cashier. If you text her photo, PETA complains.

I don’t know, maybe it was the weather that had something to do with the 2015 Bordeaux being so terrible. I’m sure Obama would say it’s because of “climate change.” Yeah, that’s right, boo! I hear you. What a joke. If there were climate change, how the hell could I keep my hair like this all the time? Everything now is climate change. There’s no climate change, folks. Though after tasting the 2015 Bordeaux I can tell you there’s no microclimate change either. I can’t tell most of these wines apart. No wonder they’re so popular in China, you can’t tell the Chinese apart either. All the wines are the same, just big and ripe and chewy, which I like. In Ivanka. Not in Bordeaux. I’m telling you, these wines are yuge. Where’s the balance? These 2015 Bordeaux have the balance of a dead Wallenda.

And what’s all this talk about Left Bank Bordeaux and Right Bank Bordeaux? You see, right there, that’s the problem. The banks are screwing up everything in this country. Well, not anymore, not when Donald Trump is Emperor of Wine. I’m going to get the banks out of Bordeaux. All the other critics, you know, the banks own them. I read them, I read the other critics, mostly for the laughs, that Neal Martin guy, what an idiot. He writes like a Harry and David’s catalog. Oh, he’s English, they’re all fruits. Anyhow, all of those other critics, they all say they love the Right Bank of Bordeaux in 2015. You see, they even admit they’re in the pockets of those French weasels. When I rate Bordeaux, I’m my own bank. Believe me, don’t give either bank your money in 2015. There’s just something wrong with those wines.

I know, everyone is going to want me to give specifics. I don’t have to. Really. I just don’t have to. Everybody wants to know, Donald, what are the best Bordeaux in 2015? People keep asking me if I like the First Growths. I have to tell you, I’m not a big fan of growths. I just had one removed from my ass. His name was John Kasich. Why does Bordeaux have five growths? And what does that even mean? It’s just some French thing, I guess. We don’t have growths in America, do we? No. We don’t need growths. I, Donald Trump, your new Emperor of Wine, promise you that there won’t be any growth on my watch.

Now to be fair, there were a few 2015 Bordeaux I liked. But I’m not going to tell you which ones. I’ll tell you why. I tasted them out of barrels! I don’t know what a wine is supposed to taste like out of a barrel. Nobody knows what wine is supposed to taste like out of a barrel. It’s not finished yet! What kind of a jackass writes about wines that aren’t even finished yet? It doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make any sense. Really. It’s like trying to judge the Miss Universe Pageant when the girls are all twelve years old. You don’t know whose rack is going to be the biggest! That’s crazy. You just don’t know. That’s what those other wine critics are doing when they’re rating 2015 Bordeaux out of barrel—they’re just guessing which ones are really going to develop. They don’t know. You can put ‘em in your mouth that young, I know, I’ve done it. But it doesn’t tell you much.

So that’s my assessment of 2015 Bordeaux. They’re terrible, they’re made by French people, and, believe me, the natural ones smell weird. The people I mean, not the wines. Don’t buy futures! I mean, who buys Bordeaux futures? Who the hell buys Bordeaux futures? I’ve made a fortune, I’m worth seven billion dollars, I’m telling you, it’s a bad investment. I’ll tell you what to invest in. That Randall Grahm thing where he’s making new grape varieties. That's going to be yuge, my friends. Forget Bordeaux, it’s for suckers.

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine, States His Case

I don’t get why people think wine reviewing is hard. It’s not hard. I have small hands, so what? I can put my whole hand in my mouth and still have room for little Marco’s junk, so I’m cool. He’s so sweaty it just slides right in. You don’t need big hands to be the most important wine critic who ever lived. I don’t get what all the fuss is about. I can judge four or five hundred wines in a day. It’s easy for me. And I don’t need any help. Why would I need any help? I have a brain made for wine. Really, folks, I do. My brain is like one of those fancy French oak barrrels. Just made for wine. All you have to do is check out my bunghole and you’ll see. Go ahead, shine a light up there, see if it needs to be topped. What do you see? Yeah, that’s right, that’s that Matt Kramer guy.

I’ll tell you something. If I’m not the most powerful wine critic who ever lived, if the wineries don’t start sending me all their wines, the people aren’t going to like it. There’s gonna be riots. It will be bigger than when they threw those Kenyans off the Napa Valley Wine Train for doing some kind of war dance or something. Maybe they thought is wasn’t the wine train. Maybe they thought it was the Soul Train. I would never have those problems. I’d just buy the damned wine train and then fly it into Mexico where it belongs. They can’t stop me from being the New Emperor of Wine. Mark my words, there will be riots. I won’t be able to stop them. There’s going to be a lot of dead sommeliers. Give the people what they want.

There’s a lot of people who think the next Emperor of Wine should be an Empress. Think about that, an Empress of Wine. We already had one of those. We had Robert Lawrence Balzer. We don’t need another one. The job needs somebody with some backbone, some balls. I love women. You all know I love women. I can’t keep my small hands off them. Without women, there wouldn’t be any wine. Really, just think about that. They do all the shopping and they buy most of the wine, and that’s the way it should be. But they shouldn’t be reviewing them. I mean, it’s just not natural. Look, what if they’re bleeding right then, do you want them reviewing your wine? Good luck with that. All I can say is I hope you don’t get a 69. You know what I mean.

A lot of people think I won’t be fair when I review wines. I don’t know where ideas like that get started. I’m going to be fair. People know me as a fair person. I’m tough, ask anybody who’s done business with me, but I’m also fair. A lot of people don’t know this, but George Bush wanted to nominate me for the Supreme Court. It’s true. But he said I couldn’t be Chief Justice, and I knew that would cause riots, so for the good of the country I declined. Sometimes I wish I had said yes. I’d be making laws now, and changing the ones that need to be changed. Like shipping laws. I can’t believe there are still states where I can’t ship Trump wines! Why the hell not? If I were Justice Trump, you can bet your ass every state would be able to ship wine to every other state. But not wine that wasn’t made in America. Why is it so easy to get French wine but so hard to get a good smoke from Cuba? Really. What is that? Clos’ but no cigar? That isn’t right. Ban all those foreign wines. That blowhard Ted Cruz, nobody likes him, you know, I heard that even his tapeworm hates him, would let in Canadian wine, because that’s where he’s from. Canadian wine! How bad is Canadian wine? It’s got to be terrible! Canada is a stupid country. They just elected a guy Prime Minister who draws a comic strip! Trudeau. That’s how stupid they are. I’m thinking I should build a wall between us and Canada. And who’s going to pay for that wall? That’s right! Mexico! No, I’m just kidding. When Canada figures out what’s going to happen when I’m the new Emperor of Wine, they’re going to build the wall just to keep Americans from moving there. I’ll have tricked them into building their own wall and paying for it. Now I hope everyone starts saying they’re moving to Mexico! Mexicans are even stupider than Canadians. You don’t see migrant Canadians picking Cabernet.

I’m going to have a perfect system for rating wines. I have some of the absolute best people working on it right now. And not a bunch of elitist wine snobs. I mean real people, people who like wine and know what good wine tastes like. Not a bunch of pathetic sommeliers. I mean, why do we need sommeliers? I’m sick to death of sommeliers, and everybody I know is sick to death of sommeliers. It’s Obama’s fault. Under his watch, there’s been an absolute explosion of sommeliers. There’s the International Society of Insolent Sommeliers, and under Obama, ISIS has thrived. We’re losing some of our best young people to ISIS. ISIS is actively recruiting young people and brainwashing them into thinking they know everything about wine because they’re a sommelier, because they have letters after their names. Because they have TV shows made about them. Who watches that crap? I mean, how low do you have to be to watch a show about people who think they’re on a mission to teach people about wine? Who the hell cares? These are sick people. These are wasted lives. Sommeliers might inspire fear in most people, but not me. When I’m the new Emperor of Wine, I’ll wipe them off the face of the Earth. I’ll bomb them like how they bombed us with “Uncorked.” And then every wine list in the country will be easy to read, and feature Trump Sparkling Wine by-the-glass. It’s really good Champagne. And I’m calling it Champagne whether the frogs like it or not. They can kiss my punt.

I’m not going to take crap from anybody. I’m going to rate wines the way I want to rate wines. It’s going to be YUGE! I’m not going to put up with any bull you-know-what. Natural wines? I’m just going to punch any Natural Winemaker in the face. I’m not kidding. Kapow! Right in the kisser. They’re all sissies anyway. If there’s any Natural Winemakers here, take ‘em out. I’ll pay your legal bills. Hell, bring ‘em up on stage and I’ll make ‘em wear a dress and sing “On the Good Ship Lollipop.” We don’t need sommeliers, and we don’t need Natural Wines, though if you get rid of sommeliers, who the hell’s going to buy Natural Wines anyway? Imbeciles.

I think we all want to go back to the way wine always was. Simple. White or red? That's all we need. No rosé and no orange wines. I hate wine that's the same color as my hair. I’ll rate all the whites the same, and all the reds the same, but higher. These are tough and complicated times. We need simple. All the wines are rated the same, prices come down. We take back our adult beverage. Every bottle of white, twenty bucks. Every bottle of red, twenty-five bucks. This is why you want me to be your new Emperor of Wine. This is why you vote for Trump. You hate women, Mexicans, Canadians, sommeliers, Africans on trains, orange wines, sommeliers and Matt Kramer. I’m a man of the people.

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine

Some of you morons are going to ask what qualifications I have to be a wine critic. I have better qualifications than the clowns who are writing about wine now, but, I admit, that’s not saying much. I mean, look at Robert Parker. He’s just some fat, old, former attorney. You know what I call fat, old, former attorneys? Bathroom attendants. I shake my schlong dry and they wipe up after. Who cares what that washed-up schlong mop thinks about wine? I know a lot more about wine than Parker does. I gave the greatest winery in the state of Virginia to my son. Well, my idiot son. But there you go, that just shows you I must be against abortion.

And don’t talk to me about Jim Laube. He couldn’t make it as a sports writer so he gets a gig with some wine magazine that people read while they’re taking a dump, and you’re going to take his wine advice? I feel sorry for you. Did you know he spits all the wine?! That’s disgusting. I never spit, not unless there’s a Muslim or a Mexican around. Or Megyn Kelly. I have ten wine cellars, and each one is bigger than Laube’s whole house. There’s your damned qualifications.

And who is this Antonio Balloni guy? Galloni? What’s his name? Balloni, Galloni, it’s all the same. No, listen, I like Antonio, he’s a nice guy. His wife, his wife is gorgeous. He’s probably too drunk most of the time to take care of her, but that’s her problem. Wouldn’t happen if she were my wife, just sayin’. He’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t have much of a palate. I know the guy, I’ve tasted with him, I’ve sat across from him, and, let me tell you, I had to explain the wines to him. The guy tells me the wine is corked, and there’s the cork sitting right there next to the open bottle! He’s an idiot. Though I’d do his wife, his wife is a babe.

When I’m your leading wine critic, we’re going to make wine great again! These guys, Parker and Laube and Galloni, they’ve ruined wine. Wine is worse now than it was when Jesus was making it. And that was some pretty nasty stuff back then. Well, what do you expect? Jesus was a Jew, and Jews don’t make good wine, everybody knows that. But it’s worse now. I’ve had every wine that those wine weaklings have given a hundred points. I’ve got cases of those wines. You know what? They stink. I wouldn’t let Hilary drink ‘em. I wouldn’t let Bill drink ‘em either because he’d go out and try to get some intern to taste from his meat thief.

If I made a wine that Parker gave a hundred points, I’d be ashamed of myself. Like I voted for a Kenyan for President of the United States. I’d just give up winemaking and go back to school and try to do something useful with my life. Like maybe be a suicide bomber at VinItaly. You have to be a terrible winemaker to get a hundred points from Parker. I feel sorry for those guys. I know even my idiot son wouldn’t hire a winemaker like that.

If I tell you a wine is great, that’s all you have to know. Just run out and buy as many bottles as you can afford. I don’t need to give it points. 88—94—107…what does that mean? 38-24-36, now we’re talking. Those are some points. I married those points, with a Double D after the first score. Who cares how many points you get? This isn’t the NBA! Black people don’t drink wine. I love black people, but they don’t drink wine. I think it’s genetic, like Asians. Anyway, when I’m your wine critic, there won’t be any points. Don’t need ‘em. They’re like tits on Bernie Sanders. Or Carly Fiorina, she may have some one day. Hey, Carly, I’m buyin’!

Once I’m in charge of what wines sell, I’m also going to clean up the winery business. Oh, they’re not gonna like it. But I don’t care. I’m not weak like that New York Times sissy Eric Asimov. Too bad Eric isn’t more like his Uncle Isaac. That guy was a great bartender! “The Love Boat,” what a great show. Captain Shtupping—I’ve been called that! This might shock you, but 97% of the wineries in this country employ illegal aliens! 97%! Mexicans!

Why are we letting Mexicans pick our wine grapes? It’s crazy. They cross our borders, they steal, they take our charity, they rape our women, then they pick our wine grapes. Where do they get their energy? It’s crazy to let Mexicans pick our wine grapes. What’s next? We let Al Qaeda build our airports? Boko Haram run the Girl Scouts? It’s gotta stop. I’d build a wall around wine country, see how many of them could get past it to pick grapes. I mean, France has all kinds of walls around their vineyards. They call ‘em Clos. It works. You never see a Mexican in Bordeaux. You don’t hear Parker talking about this problem, but he’s weak. The Emperor has no Clos.

This rating wine thing is easy. I’ll tell you how easy it is. I don’t even drink, and I’m the most powerful wine critic in the world. Drinking shows weakness. I’ll give them one thing, the Muslims got that right. Name one great leader who drank. OK, Churchill, but if it wasn’t for us Americans that fat slob ends up Hitler’s buttboy. Now Hitler, he didn’t drink. There was a leader! Yeah, he did some stuff he shouldn’t have, but the guy could throw a rally! I’m thinking maybe I should start the Trump Youth. Really, it’s simple, you want to be a leader, don’t drink and have cool hair.

When I’m the most famous wine critic, which is maybe a month or so away, after I start my new wine magazine, “Wine Trumptator,” you can be sure that I’ll be telling you the best wines to drink based on things far more important than taste. Like advertising. You want great wine reviews, you want the Trumptator seal of approval? Run some full-page ads in “Wine Trumptator!” Grow up, America. This is how business works. Oh, yeah, sure, some of you are going to whinge about how this isn’t fair to the little guy, the guy who can’t afford an ad in my magazine. Suck it up. Grow a pair. Or if you’re Hitler, grow one! This isn’t going to be Obama’s America where we blind taste and pretend we’re objective, where we try to support the little guy. Wine isn’t about objectivity. Wine isn’t about stories and dreams. Only losers think that. Wine is about prestige and power. You snuggle up to wine because you want to be seen as important and educated, like me. It won’t work, but try not to look stupid doing it, not like poor Bill Koch. Bill, I love you, I know you look up to me, but getting suckered by some pimply little Asian dude selling you fake wines? You’re a loser. Winners drink what I tell them to drink. Face it, you don’t know anything about wine or you wouldn’t be reading wine magazines in the first place.

So here’s my first recommendation. Meomi Pinot Noir. Buy it. The guy sold it to Constellation for 700 million dollars! I love the guy. Wagner. Wrote great operas, too. Who is this guy, I want to meet him. He’s a winner. Lots of ads, lots of press, bang, his crap wine gets lots of high scores! When I’m through, the wine business will never be the same.