The HoseMaster's Most Important Wine Bloggers

Over at ImTanked, a blog written by a Social Media Expert (the word “expert” is appended to Social Media in exactly the same way “star” is appended to Porn), a recent post listed the “Nine Most Important Wine Bloggers in the US.” Must be nice to be the President of Wine and get to appoint the whole Supreme Court. The post resembles nothing so much as a fourth-grader choosing up sides for a game of kickball. “So I’ll take Alder because he’s my best friend, and 1WineDoody cuz he’s so cool and recommends wines to boys who like tits, and Tommy Wark—he uses such big words… But no girls! We don’t want girls on our team. Girl bloggers have cooties.” I’m also pretty sure the list was chosen by height, or lack of it. The nine bloggers standing on each others’ shoulders might not be able to unscrew a light bulb. Or a porn star.

The post is an exercise in the obvious, which, after all, is what wine blogging is about. I give its author, Paul Mabray, RFD, credit for that. Naturally, I was stunned and hurt that I wasn’t on the list. HoseMaster of Wine is clearly one of the Most Important Wine Blogs in the US, as well as many foreign countries, like Oregon. And I'm pretty short, too. But he has a right to his dull and predictable opinion. And, let’s face it, being one of the “Most Important Wine Bloggers” is a lot like being one of the “Most Interesting People in a Coma.” For members of either list, you can only pray for brain activity.

Naturally, I have my own list of Important Wine Bloggers. Behold!

Wright R. Block (www.aposteveryyear.com) –Block was the first wine blogger to stumble upon the idea of publishing a blog for the sole purpose of soliciting free tastings and samples from wineries. A title and a business card, that’s all you need. He ran out of ideas for his blog after ten posts, hasn’t run a new piece in four years, yet he continues to find ways to freeload in the wine business. An inspiration to all wine bloggers.

Heywood Jalookatme (www.simplewinesforsimpleminds) –Heywood stepped into the void left when Gary Vaynerchuk was moved to the Old Circus Chimps Home in Florida (where he roomed with the primate star of the old “Tarzan” movies—who says Cheetahs never prosper?). Heywood writes for the Everyman, speaking to ordinary wine lovers in language they can understand--monosyllabic. He may not have been the first to talk to wine lovers like they’re stupid, but he’s still the best. His style is widely imitated, as is his standard reply to critical comments, “Go Wark yourself.”

Luce Morals (www.winemakesmetingle.com) –Luce is certainly one of the most important wine bloggers. The first to ask readers to “join me on my journey to learn about wine!,” she inspired hundreds of new and equally worthless wine blogs. Now, five years later, Luce still knows very little about wine. But her relentless Tweeting and constant FaceBook posts rank her among the most influential wine bloggers as well. It’s Social Media, friends, it’s the quantity of the writing, not the quality.

W. Blinky Gray

W. Blinky Gray (www.blinkygray.com) –With his trademark eyeglasses the only thing giving away his cartoon roots, Blinky created the role of faux journalist among wine bloggers. Mixing a dull voice with his signature lack of insight, Blinky paved the way for an entire generation of frustrated high school newspaper reporters to discover wine blogging (which, in turn, led to PalatePress). That self-important tone so prevalent among wine bloggers? Thank Blinky. That air of superiority that masks a dearth of talent? A Blinky trademark! Ask him, he’s clearly one of the Most Important Wine Bloggers.

Flo Quacious (www.icantshutupaboutwine.com) –Flo Quacious invented the long form wine review, now a staple of wine bloggers. She can tell you less about a wine in 500 words than a professional wine critic can in 25. Every day she reviews a new wine and makes you think, “Why would I put that crap in my mouth?” But producers and importers of barely drinkable plonk love her style! After three paragraphs of a glowing review of yet another New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc that tastes mainly of Loudmouth Lime and Windex, who’s still awake to read that the wine was sent as a “Review Sample?" Flo made being bought for free samples a desirable path that hundreds of wine bloggers have since followed.

Haim Stevoff (www.haimstevoffhaimstevoffhaimstevoff.com) –Haim led the way for professional wine critics to cast aside dignity and join in the blogosphere conversation. A way to claim the ground that others broke, a way that an enormous number of successful wine writers have since followed. And why not? This road to the top is so much simpler! You already have the job that all the bloggers want, why not just butt right in and take away all their readers too?! Become one of the “Most Important Wine Bloggers.” It’s perfect. It’s like Meryl Streep stepping into the cast of “Happy Endings.” You’re surrounded by delusional people who think they have talent. Must be good for the ego.

Jose Maestro (www.JoseMaestroofWine.com) –You must be important if you can spend all your time making fun of everyone else, and that’s what Jose does on his eponymous blog. The poster boy for bloggers who think they have twice the talent they actually possess, Jose has a genuine gift for finding amusement where none exists. His claim that he doesn’t like any of his own work lands him squarely on the pulse of public opinion. It is a measure of his importance that, like all wine bloggers, he speaks to the 99%. The 99% of the country that hasn’t heard of any of them.

Addendum(b):
Here was the original manuscript for the post "The HoseMaster's Most Important Wine Bloggers"

9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.