The HoseMaster's Crystal Balls

I foresee a lot of fascinating events happening in the wine business over the next decade. For those of you new to HoseMaster of Wine (my readership has skyrocketed ever since Oprah made me the first selection of her “Oprah’s Blog Club™”, narrowly beating out “Tales From the Plus Side”), my annual predictions, which I publish every so often, are considered must-reads by everyone in the wine business, as well as wine bloggers. Careers are destroyed and fortunes are made solely on the basis of the HoseMaster’s Crystal Balls. Here then is what I see in my crystal balls relating to wine and the wine business. You may rub them for good luck. 

Pinot Noir’s popularity will begin to wane after a major medical study shows that drinking Pinot Noir on a regular basis leads to Peter Allen’s Disease, sufferers of which just can’t stop humming show tunes.

Ampelographers will find DNA evidence that Zinfandel was spread through California by Paul Draper’s scat.

Sommeliers will discover, much to their surprise, that wine is made in Sonoma County. Sales of Trousseau Gris skyrocket.

The #1 wine in the Wine Spectator Top 100 will be made by an iPhone app, or else Thomas Rivers Brown (who is a winemaker, not a complete sentence).

To honor his 60 years on the throne, Robert Parker will ride a barge down the Garonne. The barge may or may not be visible. Before his historic trip there will be a concert by, who else, El DeBarge; afterward, the French government will bestow upon Mr. Parker their highest honor, the Legion de Pain Grillé, and he will be toasted in the manner of Jeanne d’Arc, an event hosted by, who else, Johnny Dark.

Fred Franzia will release a new line of inexpensive wine made from Pignolo, Malbec and Roussane under his George Bernard Shaw label. The wine is called “Pigmalianne.” It will be nicknamed “Low Earnie Bernie.”

Orang County Wine Competition Judge

    

A new wine competition will feature 4500 wines tasted blind and awarded medals by orangutans. In an eerie coincidence, results perfectly mirror the Orange County Fair awards, only with fewer double golds. And, man, can those orangs spit!

In order to fight runaway score inflation, Ben Bernanke announces that Wine Enthusiast critics will have their interest rates maintained at absolutely none.

Jay McInerney is replaced at the Wall Street Journal by noted wine expert Charlie Sheen, who’s screwed fewer celebrities but knows more about wine. Lettie Teague is replaced by a small appliance.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer introduces a Viagra-laced red wine in conjunction with Sonoma winery Woodenhead. 

If your erection lasts for more than four hours, you are advised to use an ah-so for easiest removal. The wine comes in a box.

The grape shortage is so severe in California that Barney the Dinosaur is tapped for MegaPurple. Desperate wineries trying to produce more wine resort to adding water to fermenting grapes. So, business as usual.

Sotheby’s is forced to admit it sold fake bottles of Chateau Mouton Rothschild when it’s revealed the labels have a picture of Art Linkletter on them. Meanwhile, Christie’s sets a new auction record with a bottle of Opus One from the cellar of Abraham Lincoln. Provenance of the wine is proven by its presence on the wine list at Ford’s Theater, where Lincoln often reserved a Booth. On the 1865 list, the Opus One is $400.

Every living M.W. will be abducted by an alien space ship. The aliens discover they go great with a glass of Pigmalianne, but cause bovine spongiform encephalopathy. The human race is spared by the M.W.’s last gasps as drive-thru fast food.

The James Beard Awards will take on Just For Men® as a corporate sponsor. Serena Sutcliffe dies her moustache.

Constellation changes its name to the more appropriate Death Star.

Wine forger Dr. Conti escapes from prison disguised as a bottle of 1928 Domaine Ponsot. He is recaptured at the airport where screeners won’t let him on the plane because he’s more than three ounces of liquid.

Researchers determine that European grape moths have banded together and come to California to help bail out Greece.