I was astonished to have received the Poodle Award for “Best Writing on a Wine Blog.” Actually, I
Oh, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha…! I won, I won! When do I get my check? Awards come with prizes, right? Like don’t I get some kind of Riedel thing? A decanter, or a bong? I love those new Riedel bongs. And they’re right, the Maui Wowie is a LOT better out of their special Riedel Maui Wowie bong. OK, I didn’t compare it blind to a regular bong, but I was fuckin’ blind when I was done! Do I get one engraved? No? Nothing? What do you mean? Nothing? I win the stinking award and I get Nothing? Nada? Zero? Oh, crap, I got totally Jay Millered.
So what exactly do I get for winning the Wine Blog Award? The admiration of my peers? And what’s that worth? They’re wine bloggers. Wine bloggers are to writing what karaoke is to singing. Just a bunch of unattractive people faking it. So I’m supposed to be happy that they think I’m good? The hell with that. I want some money. Prizes are supposed to be about money. I mean, imagine you win Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes and the guy shows up at your house with balloons and a pat on the back? Now remember that I didn’t even get any fucking balloons! They get all these karaoke rejects up to Canada, charge them a bunch of money to drink Tannat (a grape that’s the same backwards, just like the Godforsaken country it’s from), rake in all this cash on the backs of the wine blog phenomenon, make the centerpiece of the week an awards ceremony, and what do they give the winners? They slip ‘em the ol’ Dr. Conti. “Hey, you won an Award! I swear to God it’s real.” Like we’re a bunch of wine collecting rubes, like we don’t know our Kochs from our buttholes. Sad thing is, they might be right.
By the way, Rudy, if you’re reading this, call me. I think you’re kinda cute. I love an Indonesian in handcuffs.
Me and my friends laughed like crazy at the winners of the Wine Blog Awards (that fart water HoseMaster likes to call them the Poodles—which has caught on like open sores, so congrats on that). So Best Overall Wine Blog is Terroirist? Really. It’s just a bunch of links. I know, maybe next year Reader’s Digest will win the Nobel Prize for Literature! That makes the same sense. Oh, I hear the phone book is up for a Pulitzer. Great plot, but I thought it had too many characters.
And then The Journey of Jordan is the best winery blog. This is too funny. Me and my friends thought for sure that Ridge dude would win, but you can’t beat a video parody of “Gangnam Style” that proves once and for all that wineries only hire white people who dance like Curley Howard with a load in his pants with poetry explications. And isn’t there a rule that if you use the word “journey” in a wine blog you’re officially Out of Original Ideas? Everything these days is a stupid journey. I’ve got an idea. Instead of a journey to discover wine, why not take a journey to somewhere where no one can hear you?
Every year, me and my friends can’t wait until the Best New Wine Blog is announced. It’s the Wine Blog Awards equivalent of our favorite part of the Academy Awards broadcast—the Death Montage. So the one this year is a bunch of winemaker interviews. That’s it. A bunch of winemaker interviews, which, by definition, are autopsy reports, with the same questions for every interview. Awesome. So the winner of the Best New Wine Blog wrote all of sixteen questions. Wow, I haven’t been this riveted since the last time I took the written test at the DMV. If you like the insight and wisdom of the IRS Form 1040, this is the blog for you! But you know what, and this kinda sucks, it just might actually be the best new wine blog. I like to read it with Bette Midler singing “Wind Beneath My Wings” in the background while pretending all the winemakers interviewed are dead.
And what’s with that NothingsBiggerThanMyHead guy? He reviews more crap than than a septic tank repairman. He won again for Longest Reviews on a Wine Blog. Me and my friends have wine tastings and we read his reviews outloud and every time he uses a funny descriptor, the drunkest one has to act it out. It’s a great party game! So like last time I got “penetrating gunflint” and I sat funny for a week. My friend got “a squeeze of green apple” but she was so drunk she totally let one rip. Love this guy. I'd totally do him just to read the review. "Musk, cigarette butt and My Little Pony Lubricant and Depilatory." Act that out.
OK, so I’m pretty buzzed right now. So I’m just gonna say that the stupidest winner was HoseMaster of Wine™ for Best Writing on a Wine Blog. Same tired old shit he’s been saying for five years, and he wins? You know what it is, you know why he won, don’t you? Everybody hates wine blogs now. It’s just a fucking backlash. Me and my Millennial friends hate them, that’s for sure. All these old people blathering on about wine. Blah blah blah blah, I was at this tasting with World’s Most Famous Winemaker, blah blah blah blah, I kissed his winemaking ass, blah blah blah, I had a vertical of his winemaker throb juice, blah blah blah, join me on my journey to discover wine, blah blah blah, I just love the wines of Peru and the Perumaniacs are the loveliest people, blah blah blah… So me and my friends voted for the HoseMaster, not because he’s the Best Writer, crap, he couldn’t write for Bazooka Joe comics, but because we hate wine blogs and Wine Blog Awards. Like if you hated baseball you’d vote Barry Bonds into the Hall of Fame. Same thing. Or if you hate truth you voted for Michelle Bachmann. Another same thing. So that’s why he won, the dick. Everybody knows it. Except him, he thinks he’s so funny.
I’m just hoping next year at the Wine Blog Awards he’s part of the Death Montage. Hell, he won, I guess he already was.
Reader’s Digest, Bazooka Joe comics, and Curley Howard.
ReplyDeleteDamn, that was awesome!
Great stuff Ron.. you must have been mortified with your Poodle wins.. get any death threats from Wornography or Wine Doody yet? ha ha.. I forgot to mention in RJWine's stupid, "retarded" slagging of Vancouver's wine scene he disparaged how our tourist people didn't know anything about our wine scene.. to which a commenter rightly pointed he was just in Chicago and nobody knew anything about wine there either.. you know if these stupid, myopic wine bloggers would take their head out of their pompous asses, they'd realize 99 out of 100 people don't give a shit about wine and the one that does, ain't reading your stupid blog...
ReplyDelete1WineDoody,
ReplyDeleteOne of the weird parts of Lo Hai Qu is how retro she is. I'm just sort of discovering her Voice. So it's my HoseMaster Voice doing Lo Hai Qu's Voice. It's like M.C. Escher. Or M.C. Hammer, I'm not sure which.
David,
No, I wasn't mortified at all. I was flattered by the nomination, considering the judges, and surprised that I must have received a lot of votes from readers. I may not value the actual Award, but I do value the kindness of those who voted for me. No death threats, though, I'm glad to report, many in the pompous part of the community seem upset that I won.
HMW - Well, I for one am enjoying the voice behind the voice behind the voice. I might need to dig up the undergrad literary criticism textbooks (talk about a genre that makes the mypoic wine world look like BBC world news) to fully comprehend it all.
ReplyDeleteI don't know of anyone (yet!) who is genuinely upset at your poodle nods. But I don't get out much when I'm home... I am a blogger, after all...
Ron, seeing as we are back to Poodles, are you sure you don't want a Doodle award? I have two huge Labradoodles who produce some interesting works--although I have to pick their product up in those little plastic bags...
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, I voted for you, as the old saying goes, "early and often" and you MOST deservedly won the Poodles!
Ron:
ReplyDeleteDo you mean Mike C. Hammer or Darren McGavin?
Congrats for the Award ! But, what if instead of talk and write about bloggers who blog about other bloggers who blog... kind of walking on a Moebius path (never mention onanism)... you apply your particular wit we praise, to talk and comment about wine, the drinkable stuff we love ? Thanks...
ReplyDeleteWell, I am upset that you won. This isn't a wine blog. It's a late night stand up routine. When was the last time you actually interviewed a winemaker for this "blog"?
ReplyDeleteAnd criticizing poor old Fred Koepel for writing long tasting notes is just plain cruel. Ever read the notes here? Everything but information about the winemaker's bathroom habits--and you did not even interview the winemaker.
Of course, why should you? If book reviews don't require reading the books, then talking about winemaker's bathroom habits do not either.
So, I am pissed off. The Poodles just won't be the same anymore. We won't have them to kick around anymore now that they have gone from sublime to ridiculous.
You and your cronies have ruined a good laugh line.
Thank goodness there Lettie Teague, Natalie Maclean and the Chronic Negress--not to mention good old Jay Miller who is deader than Robt Parker but still makes us laugh.
Ron, ignore all the previous carping by others. We (except Nat) still love you in Canada...all 33 million of us (again, except Nat)......
ReplyDeleteLo Hai Qu is sooooo entertaining. What original perspective she provides on the proceedings...
ReplyDeleteLong live the Poodles and their Puddles.
Where is this Canada of which so many of you hath spoken?
ReplyDeleteRon, You are the best. But I only read your blog for the pictures.
ReplyDeleteRon, we have one of your articles enlarged and framed in our tasting room.
ReplyDeleteVisitors read it, and they are always delighted and intrigued by your use of the words "barking poodle".
keep up the good work!
Ron, I suspect your "winning" this so-called award is a set-up, intended to bait you into coming out in public so you can have hundreds of Poodles lift their vinous legs on you (or worse).
ReplyDeleteI know someone who's in the Witness Protection Program and they say it's not all that bad. They offered to introduce you to someone who knows someone who knows someone (who's not a blogger) if you like.
It would be awful if they put a contract out on you (probably with a lot of misspellings) and Sam Sans D has to maintain your blog in your absence (she told me it would be called "Bigger When He's Dead" if you're curious).
Anyway, condolences on your "victory" and be careful where you spit.
ANONYMOUS I
1WineDoody,
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit too much in love with the Lo Hai Qu character. I will try not to give her the space too often. She was inspired originally by you and your intern--I'd already had the name in my head, the intern idea just gave me a chance to use it.
Oh, I've seen the likes of Lenn Thompson and Tom Mansell and others Tweeting about my wins. I don't care even the slightest.
Marlene Darling,
Yes, I certainly deserve an award that has no meaning, and no reward.
Thomas,
I shouldn't have to Spillane it to you of all people.
Leo,
You're new here, apparently, so, first of all, welcome.
I do whatever I feel like around here. That's how blogs work. I do review wines, on occasion, and in a peculiar fashion that involves lots of commentary. I wrote about blogs because of my nominations, and then my win. Next week, who knows? Stay tuned, and when you get bored, it's easy to walk away.
Puff Daddy,
I didn't ask to be nominated, I didn't campaign for votes, so it's not my fault. I felt pressure to write about my wins, so I decided to let Lo Hai Qu speak. She's so much nicer than I am.
Dean,
Are you sure Nat doesn't love me? That's heartbreaking news for me, and will force me to change the hair color on my inflatable doll to brunette.
Marcia Love,
What's weird is that I actually hear Lo Hai Qu's voice in my head when I write. Scary.
Jim,
You should have seen the pictures in the good ol' days of HoseMaster of Wine...now deleted from the Intergnats.
David,
Well, I'm assuming it's the article I wrote about your winery. And I'm sure you give a great explanation of "barking Poodles," of which I am the loudest and most annoying.
Hey Anonymous 1,
So it takes winning a Poodle to lure you from your wine cave? So be it.
Oh yes, conspiracy theories abound. And when it comes out I'm actually Chronic Negro, man, that will rock the blog world!
We need Lo Hai Qu to write more often, and branch out from just wine. Why not have her do a sex column (she is Gen-Sex isn't she?) Advice to the Loveporn! Or a diet column - Dear Flabby. Maybe some movie reviews. Set her free from this miserable Poodle-centric hellhole of a blog and let's see where she takes us. Just sayin'...
ReplyDeletePaul,
ReplyDeleteOh, man, don't encourage her. She's a pain in the butt as it is. My favorite character since Avril Cadavril. Maybe I'll write a Pulp Fiction Classic with Lo Hai Qu as my sidekick...
I'm sure I'll drag Lo Hai Qu out regularly just to practice her Voice. It's still very rough and very inconsistent, but I'm getting there. And a sex column makes perfect sense. She knows way more about that than she knows about wine. And if anyone needs sex advice, it's wine bloggers. For example, try having some.
HA, best line ever;
ReplyDelete"I like to read it with Bette Midler singing “Wind Beneath My Wings” in the background while pretending all the winemakers interviewed are dead."
I laughed out loud!
I'll be out there next month Hose. Looking forward to meeting you face to face. So is my wife, but she doesn't know it yet.
BTW, don't you realize how much you could fluff your comment count if you do like those other poodles and respond to each one separately?
Notice is said "other poodles"?
EVO
PS, is winedoody smokin a doobie in his mugshot?
This isn't just a victory for Lo Hai Qu, it's a victory for millenials! It's all we've got, a non-existent trophy won by a non-existent nymphomaniac. Most of us are stuck living in our parents basement paying off college loans, drinking Cupcake and masturbating to images of a Nat blow up doll. It's good to know there's hope.
ReplyDeleteEric - yeah, it's the latest winemaker trend, doobies hidden in corks. I understand that they then reuse some of them, because it reduces TCA instances & also increases sales in most of CA...
ReplyDeletewhoa. the things you learn in the hosemaster comment section. i can't believe i've just been throwing my corks in the garbage
ReplyDelete