Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine, States His Case

I don’t get why people think wine reviewing is hard. It’s not hard. I have small hands, so what? I can put my whole hand in my mouth and still have room for little Marco’s junk, so I’m cool. He’s so sweaty it just slides right in. You don’t need big hands to be the most important wine critic who ever lived. I don’t get what all the fuss is about. I can judge four or five hundred wines in a day. It’s easy for me. And I don’t need any help. Why would I need any help? I have a brain made for wine. Really, folks, I do. My brain is like one of those fancy French oak barrrels. Just made for wine. All you have to do is check out my bunghole and you’ll see. Go ahead, shine a light up there, see if it needs to be topped. What do you see? Yeah, that’s right, that’s that Matt Kramer guy.

I’ll tell you something. If I’m not the most powerful wine critic who ever lived, if the wineries don’t start sending me all their wines, the people aren’t going to like it. There’s gonna be riots. It will be bigger than when they threw those Kenyans off the Napa Valley Wine Train for doing some kind of war dance or something. Maybe they thought is wasn’t the wine train. Maybe they thought it was the Soul Train. I would never have those problems. I’d just buy the damned wine train and then fly it into Mexico where it belongs. They can’t stop me from being the New Emperor of Wine. Mark my words, there will be riots. I won’t be able to stop them. There’s going to be a lot of dead sommeliers. Give the people what they want.

There’s a lot of people who think the next Emperor of Wine should be an Empress. Think about that, an Empress of Wine. We already had one of those. We had Robert Lawrence Balzer. We don’t need another one. The job needs somebody with some backbone, some balls. I love women. You all know I love women. I can’t keep my small hands off them. Without women, there wouldn’t be any wine. Really, just think about that. They do all the shopping and they buy most of the wine, and that’s the way it should be. But they shouldn’t be reviewing them. I mean, it’s just not natural. Look, what if they’re bleeding right then, do you want them reviewing your wine? Good luck with that. All I can say is I hope you don’t get a 69. You know what I mean.

A lot of people think I won’t be fair when I review wines. I don’t know where ideas like that get started. I’m going to be fair. People know me as a fair person. I’m tough, ask anybody who’s done business with me, but I’m also fair. A lot of people don’t know this, but George Bush wanted to nominate me for the Supreme Court. It’s true. But he said I couldn’t be Chief Justice, and I knew that would cause riots, so for the good of the country I declined. Sometimes I wish I had said yes. I’d be making laws now, and changing the ones that need to be changed. Like shipping laws. I can’t believe there are still states where I can’t ship Trump wines! Why the hell not? If I were Justice Trump, you can bet your ass every state would be able to ship wine to every other state. But not wine that wasn’t made in America. Why is it so easy to get French wine but so hard to get a good smoke from Cuba? Really. What is that? Clos’ but no cigar? That isn’t right. Ban all those foreign wines. That blowhard Ted Cruz, nobody likes him, you know, I heard that even his tapeworm hates him, would let in Canadian wine, because that’s where he’s from. Canadian wine! How bad is Canadian wine? It’s got to be terrible! Canada is a stupid country. They just elected a guy Prime Minister who draws a comic strip! Trudeau. That’s how stupid they are. I’m thinking I should build a wall between us and Canada. And who’s going to pay for that wall? That’s right! Mexico! No, I’m just kidding. When Canada figures out what’s going to happen when I’m the new Emperor of Wine, they’re going to build the wall just to keep Americans from moving there. I’ll have tricked them into building their own wall and paying for it. Now I hope everyone starts saying they’re moving to Mexico! Mexicans are even stupider than Canadians. You don’t see migrant Canadians picking Cabernet.

I’m going to have a perfect system for rating wines. I have some of the absolute best people working on it right now. And not a bunch of elitist wine snobs. I mean real people, people who like wine and know what good wine tastes like. Not a bunch of pathetic sommeliers. I mean, why do we need sommeliers? I’m sick to death of sommeliers, and everybody I know is sick to death of sommeliers. It’s Obama’s fault. Under his watch, there’s been an absolute explosion of sommeliers. There’s the International Society of Insolent Sommeliers, and under Obama, ISIS has thrived. We’re losing some of our best young people to ISIS. ISIS is actively recruiting young people and brainwashing them into thinking they know everything about wine because they’re a sommelier, because they have letters after their names. Because they have TV shows made about them. Who watches that crap? I mean, how low do you have to be to watch a show about people who think they’re on a mission to teach people about wine? Who the hell cares? These are sick people. These are wasted lives. Sommeliers might inspire fear in most people, but not me. When I’m the new Emperor of Wine, I’ll wipe them off the face of the Earth. I’ll bomb them like how they bombed us with “Uncorked.” And then every wine list in the country will be easy to read, and feature Trump Sparkling Wine by-the-glass. It’s really good Champagne. And I’m calling it Champagne whether the frogs like it or not. They can kiss my punt.

I’m not going to take crap from anybody. I’m going to rate wines the way I want to rate wines. It’s going to be YUGE! I’m not going to put up with any bull you-know-what. Natural wines? I’m just going to punch any Natural Winemaker in the face. I’m not kidding. Kapow! Right in the kisser. They’re all sissies anyway. If there’s any Natural Winemakers here, take ‘em out. I’ll pay your legal bills. Hell, bring ‘em up on stage and I’ll make ‘em wear a dress and sing “On the Good Ship Lollipop.” We don’t need sommeliers, and we don’t need Natural Wines, though if you get rid of sommeliers, who the hell’s going to buy Natural Wines anyway? Imbeciles.

I think we all want to go back to the way wine always was. Simple. White or red? That's all we need. No rosé and no orange wines. I hate wine that's the same color as my hair. I’ll rate all the whites the same, and all the reds the same, but higher. These are tough and complicated times. We need simple. All the wines are rated the same, prices come down. We take back our adult beverage. Every bottle of white, twenty bucks. Every bottle of red, twenty-five bucks. This is why you want me to be your new Emperor of Wine. This is why you vote for Trump. You hate women, Mexicans, Canadians, sommeliers, Africans on trains, orange wines, sommeliers and Matt Kramer. I’m a man of the people.