Monday, May 9, 2016

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine, Rates the 2015 Bordeaux

You know what’s wrong with Bordeaux? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with Bordeaux. It’s made by French people. Did you know that? Yeah, totally made by French people. So no wonder I didn’t like any of the 2015 Bordeaux I tasted—French people are losers. You know what happens when they have a challenging vintage? They surrender. I mean, name one Frenchman who had balls. And don’t give me Napoleon, the guy was a fruitcake and they named a pastry after him. And he ends up on an island with Idris Elba. What the hell is Napoleon doing with a black guy on an island off of Italy? Honeymooning? I don’t know, that’s the French for you. So the way I see it, Bordeaux sucks because it’s made by French people. I wish I’d known that before I tasted it.

It’s not that I don’t like French people. The press tries to make me out to be a racist, or some kind of bigot, but I don’t get that, I really don’t. Listen, I had sex with a lot of French women. I don’t like to brag, and I’m not going to mention any names, which are French anyway and hard to say, but there are a lot of French women rode to the top of the Trump Tower. So I know a lot about the French, and French women, so let me say this, these women are natural. It’s a good thing I didn’t marry one of them. We’ve already had too much Bush in the White House.

So I guess as your new Emperor of Wine, I’m supposed to tell you what I think about the 2015 vintage in Bordeaux. It’s disgusting. No, really, the stuff is horrible. A lot of people aren’t going to like me saying that. But I’m not afraid to say what I think, and I’m certainly not worried about whether what I say is true or not. Weaklings spend their lives worried about what’s true. I’m the new Emperor of Wine, and I’m just going to tell you what I think you want to hear, or what I just feel like saying off the top of my head. Why do people pay so much money for Bordeaux? It’s not that good, really, it’s not that good. You know what? I’d rather drink Ted Cruz’s wife’s bathwater, and, well, you’ve seen her, she can scare ugly off a WalMart cashier. If you text her photo, PETA complains.

I don’t know, maybe it was the weather that had something to do with the 2015 Bordeaux being so terrible. I’m sure Obama would say it’s because of “climate change.” Yeah, that’s right, boo! I hear you. What a joke. If there were climate change, how the hell could I keep my hair like this all the time? Everything now is climate change. There’s no climate change, folks. Though after tasting the 2015 Bordeaux I can tell you there’s no microclimate change either. I can’t tell most of these wines apart. No wonder they’re so popular in China, you can’t tell the Chinese apart either. All the wines are the same, just big and ripe and chewy, which I like. In Ivanka. Not in Bordeaux. I’m telling you, these wines are yuge. Where’s the balance? These 2015 Bordeaux have the balance of a dead Wallenda.

And what’s all this talk about Left Bank Bordeaux and Right Bank Bordeaux? You see, right there, that’s the problem. The banks are screwing up everything in this country. Well, not anymore, not when Donald Trump is Emperor of Wine. I’m going to get the banks out of Bordeaux. All the other critics, you know, the banks own them. I read them, I read the other critics, mostly for the laughs, that Neal Martin guy, what an idiot. He writes like a Harry and David’s catalog. Oh, he’s English, they’re all fruits. Anyhow, all of those other critics, they all say they love the Right Bank of Bordeaux in 2015. You see, they even admit they’re in the pockets of those French weasels. When I rate Bordeaux, I’m my own bank. Believe me, don’t give either bank your money in 2015. There’s just something wrong with those wines.

I know, everyone is going to want me to give specifics. I don’t have to. Really. I just don’t have to. Everybody wants to know, Donald, what are the best Bordeaux in 2015? People keep asking me if I like the First Growths. I have to tell you, I’m not a big fan of growths. I just had one removed from my ass. His name was John Kasich. Why does Bordeaux have five growths? And what does that even mean? It’s just some French thing, I guess. We don’t have growths in America, do we? No. We don’t need growths. I, Donald Trump, your new Emperor of Wine, promise you that there won’t be any growth on my watch.

Now to be fair, there were a few 2015 Bordeaux I liked. But I’m not going to tell you which ones. I’ll tell you why. I tasted them out of barrels! I don’t know what a wine is supposed to taste like out of a barrel. Nobody knows what wine is supposed to taste like out of a barrel. It’s not finished yet! What kind of a jackass writes about wines that aren’t even finished yet? It doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make any sense. Really. It’s like trying to judge the Miss Universe Pageant when the girls are all twelve years old. You don’t know whose rack is going to be the biggest! That’s crazy. You just don’t know. That’s what those other wine critics are doing when they’re rating 2015 Bordeaux out of barrel—they’re just guessing which ones are really going to develop. They don’t know. You can put ‘em in your mouth that young, I know, I’ve done it. But it doesn’t tell you much.

So that’s my assessment of 2015 Bordeaux. They’re terrible, they’re made by French people, and, believe me, the natural ones smell weird. The people I mean, not the wines. Don’t buy futures! I mean, who buys Bordeaux futures? Who the hell buys Bordeaux futures? I’ve made a fortune, I’m worth seven billion dollars, I’m telling you, it’s a bad investment. I’ll tell you what to invest in. That Randall Grahm thing where he’s making new grape varieties. That's going to be yuge, my friends. Forget Bordeaux, it’s for suckers.


  1. Wondering if The Emperor will eventually grow a white beard and still drink red wine?
    Do we then have a Charlemagne of 21st century North America?


  2. With your considerable tongue in your considerable cheek, this may be the funniest thing you've ever written. But I'm going to vote for Trump anyway out of a sense of patriotic duty---and I am nothing if not a patriot. I have to. Whoopi Goldberg (if that IS her name) said she would move to Canada if he gets elected.

  3. Brilliant satire! You have captured the essence of Trump and made me wonder once again if the lead in the water in Flint is just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe much of the country has gotten lead poisoning, leading to widespread cognitive impairment, and shocking political support for a clown. Drink wine, not water!

  4. Thank you! This post was a riot of laughter. And good timing - great way to start the week.

  5. After spending the last couple of hours reading political news and commentary in the NY Times, the Washington Post, the LA Times and the Chicago Tribune, I almost couldn't read your post today, because if was so close to the "real" stuff I had been immersed in. You really captured the spirit of "The Donald". I need a drink - and place to hide!

  6. Hey Gang,
    I won't claim that I give a lot of thought to these Trump, Emperor of Wine pieces. It's just an interesting Voice in which to write. Yet what's interesting about the whole Trump phenomenon to me is that here is a an absolute buffoon who wants to be known as a truth-teller, and yet has absolutely no relationship with the truth. Satirists also think of themselves as truth-tellers, as in speaking truth to power. So in this very strange sense, Trump is a Presidential satirist, the nominee of the Saturday Night Live Party.

    And I also love the idea of a complete ignoramus being the most powerful wine critic. There's something wonderfully hilarious about that notion. Something that speaks volumes about the wine business.

    It's not the transparently stupid racists and misogynists we have to fear. There's no reason to fear Trump, or fear that he'll win. It's the more sinister, more intelligent, shadier bigots and fearmongers we should fear. Trump did us the favor of eliminating Cruz. We should be grateful.

  7. Amen- that's about as good as it gets, Ron! I hope Mark is right- Whoopi moving?? Maybe she'll take Alec Baldwin and a few of the other kooks with them....

  8. From The Wall Street Journal "Main News" Section
    (January 11, 2016, Page A1ff):

    "In Trump’s Ancestral Home, Folks Tout the Wine, but Not the Donald"

  9. Nice piece, Hosemaster

    Weird thing is: I think the Emperor D. Trump might just be a better wine critic than so many of the actual wine writers. The last few paragraphs of his rant were rather catchy!


  10. Perhaps a follow up article about Hillary in an orange jump suit would be appropriate. I'm sure it would get a lot of laughs, and would have as much of a place in a wine blog as this piece of garbage. And I'm no Trump fan, by the way, just a Bordeaux fan who has enough sense to know that politics should be off limits in a wine blog.

  11. Richard, why are you here? Today's vocabulary word is Satire. Look it up, and loosen up.

  12. Alden,
    Oh, come on. Don't be so tough on Richard. I was simply going to welcome him to the Go Fuck Yourself Club™!

    Not that easy to get in on your first try.

  13. Did I make it on my first try?

  14. Mark,
    Oh, you're a Charter Member. Member being the key word.

  15. Is a shame( and illuminating ) that a man in such high authority can get so much wrong with the stuff he talks about. I feel for the American people if this guy runs the place. Not one bit of him is appealing. If you get something so wrong. Just keep your mouth shut and let people talk about what their passion is. Maybe Donald try reading "the artists way "��

  16. Folks are responding to the Trumpiness of the piece, I think it's brilliance lies in the exposé of Bordeaux...