HoseMaster of Wine™: Erotica for the Natural Wine Lover

Monday, May 7, 2018

Erotica for the Natural Wine Lover

He was the most handsome man in the bar. I knew he was the one when he walked over to the jukebox and selected my favorite song—The Police’s “Qvevri Little Thing She Does is Magic.”

He caught my eye and then casually took the bar stool next to mine and introduced himself.

“Hello,” he said, “I’m Nat. I’m hoping you want me to be your Pet.”

We've all got our kinks. I've long been a fan of erotica, whether written by Anaïs Nin or Steve Bannon, so I thought I'd try my hand at arousing the partisans of natural wine. God knows, they seem so joyless, it might help. You can read the dirty stuff at Tim Atkin's site, the home of wine erotica. Feel free to leave your breathless and satisfied comments at Tim's site, or, if it makes you hot, return here, have a satisfying smoke, and lay your thoughts on me. I need a cold shower. Or any shower, for that matter.

TIM ATKIN MW

5 comments:

Joe Jensen said...: Deliciously vicious!; May 7, 2018 at 9:08 AM
Mark Rader said...: Having just read “Erotica for the Natural Wine Lover” I have a thought. Have you considered treatment with one of the chlorpromazines—you know, stellazine, compazine—any of the antipsychotics really. I think one of them might help a lot. Besides, knowing me as well as you do for as long as you have you know that I am totally serious.; May 7, 2018 at 10:26 AM
Jet Fuel said...: Makes me crave damp and yeasty....; May 7, 2018 at 10:37 AM
Marcia Macomber said...: Wicked!; May 7, 2018 at 3:20 PM
Ron Washam, HMW said...: Joe,
I wasn't aiming so much at vicious as I was at absurdity, which is the standard bearer of the natural wine argument. But I'll take it.

Mark,
I am taking the Trump antipsychotic medication, MAGAzine. My subscription is about up, though.

Dwight,
I think Mark was writing to you.

Marcia Love,
Well, thank you!; May 7, 2018 at 5:45 PM

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"The HoseMaster is the funniest satirist writing about wine in the world today."

--Karen MacNeil

"But you're really good at what you do. You're not clumsy. You're as sharp and 'meta' as the Onion, as foul as the old National Lampoon at its well-remembered best, you make literary references that a smart guy makes. You're a nice slasher who always remembers to take out his recycling and waters his neighbor's plants--though they'd rather you didn't to it while they're having sex--and if you disembowel the occasional cat, well that cat was an asshole and everyone knew it."

--Terry Theise

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."

--Robert Parker

"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.

Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."

--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."

--JancisRobinson.com

"How do you introduce Ron Washam, the Hosemaster of Wine? Two things:

First: I’m not sure if there is anyone better at cutting through the confidence trick that is often intrinsic to the business of wine.

Second: in a world where offending people appears to border on the illegal, the Hosemaster piles in. No one is safe."

--Joss Fowler "Vinolent.com"

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

--Mike Dunne, Sacramento Bee

Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/21/6089630/dunne-on-wine-wine-blogs-and-bloggers.html#storylink=cpy

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."

--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."

--Reign of Terroir

"Robert (Joseph) was/is funny unlike HoseMaster who wasn't/isn't."

--Will Lyons (WSJ) on Twitter

"Hey Ron, let me ask you: is it true that you pick on girls and old critics because you don't think that they'll come back at you? Because if so, you lose: I'm on your ass now, asshole."

--Levi Dalton on Twitter