The 2009 Wine Bloggers Conference, or Wine Typers Special Olympics

I am so excited I can barely keep my frothy mousse from staining my jeans. It's almost time for the Wine Bloggers Conference--the coming together of nearly a single mind under one roof! It's set for Sonoma County at the end of July and just look, LOOK, at this amazing agenda! WBC keynote speakers, right


AGENDA (subject to change)

Friday, July 24

11:00 AM Registration. As requested by attendees, there will be a body cavity search.
12:00 AM Lunch and Meeting with the Sponsors--Russian River Wine Growers, Sonoma Vintners and the National Council to Eradicate Illiteracy
1:00 PM Lecture: How to Make Money on Your Wine Blog
2:00 PM Lecture: How to Monetize Your Wine Blog
3:00 PM Lecture: How to Sell Your Blood For Money
4:30 PM American Wine Blog Awards presentation sponsored by Riedel, the name you can trust when it comes to planned obsolescence. Alder Yarrow will lead the group in the Wine Bloggers Prayer:

"Our Parker, hallowed be thy Name. Grant me the wisdom to know how many points to give my wines, the talent to find the right page in the thesaurus to describe it, and the faith that anybody gives a shit. Amen."

6:30 PM: Dinner at the Flamingo Hotel, where luxury accommodations go to die, with a guest speaker you've never heard of but, boy, can the bastard type.
8:00 PM: Grand Tasting of Sonoma Wines--Plenty of time to suckup and weasel free samples from most of the desperate wineries in Sonoma County.


Saturday, July 25

7:00 AM Get up, take a dump, nurse your hangover, Twitter yourself feverishly
9:00 AM Board the bus for the Culinary Institute of America in Napa Valley. The folks in Napa are desperate too, you know.
11:00 AM Keynote speaker Barry Shuler on "Blogging and the Future of Social Media."
11:05 AM Keynote speaker Jim Gordon, a guy who used to be important, swear to God, on "The Future of Blogging and Wine Writing."
11:10 AM Alder Yarrow bestows his blessings on all of you. Attendees are invited to take communion with Hahn 2006 Pinot Noir served with leftover Alder Yarrow Pinot Noir descriptor cards as wafers.
11:30 AM Buses depart for lunches at participating wineries. Examples include "Stuffed Olives at Martini," "Certified Angus Beef Burgers with House Specialty TCA Buns at BV," and "All You Can Eat Crow at Robert Mondavi Winery."
1:30 PM Napa Green Presentation--Money not organics
3:00 PM Vintner Discussion Panels. Many of Napa's finest winemakers try to keep a straight face while talking to Wine Bloggers.
4:30 PM Napa Grand Tasting at Quintessa. Watch us smoke those peons from Sonoma.
6:00 PM Dinner at Host Wineries. Wineries are hosts, Bloggers are parasites
8:00 PM Buses return to Flamingo Hotel, where style takes a backseat to mold allergies.
9:00 PM After hours party hosted by the Wines of Brazil ("We're not just about waxing any more."), the European Wine Bloggers Conference ("Hey, we've got geeks with opinions too!") and the Hair Club for Men.


Sunday, July 26

7:00 AM Get up, brush your damn teeth for a change, perform your ablutions (ab-o-lutely), eat breakfast, check your blog for comments from the same morons who always comment.
9:00 AM Bask in more undeserved praise from other bloggers.
10:00 AM Attend breakout meetings reaffirming that one day all wines will be purchased from Wine Blogger recommendations.
11:00 AM Bus leaves for Internment Camps for the Critically Delusional
12:00 noon Wine Blogger Conference ends. Alder Yarrow still talking.