Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Shih Tzu on a Shingle

The 2009 Napa Valley Auction raised considerably less money than it has in previous vintages. Many have automatically and mistakenly blamed the economy. Bidders are nervous about their stock portfolios and how in the world they're going to be able to afford a mistress, true. And, also true, it's a bad time to appear ostentatious. Furthermore, the money goes to help poor people and sick people, and, well, frankly, maybe it's time they reciprocated and did something for us. But I think it's clear that the Napa Valley Auction didn't do so well this year because the items up for bid just weren't that great. Take a look at these entries, taken directly from the Auction Catalog.

Vertical of Rombauer Chardonnay 1985-2007 in Magnum and Free Diabetes Test and Insulin for Life
Estimated Value: $10,000

What collector of fine wine wouldn't want to have these fabulous magnums in their cellar? OK, they're a tad sweet, but we've taken care of that. An annual diabetes test and a personal visit from Wilfrid Brimley, who will match the lunch crumbs in his walrus mustache with the Rombauer bottling of your choice.

Make Love in the Sterling Tram!

Estimated Value: $5,000

Here's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make love in the Sterling tram and have it digitally filmed for future enjoyment! You and your partners (up to six) will be allowed to use the Sterling tram for sex all the way from the parking lot to our historic winery. Ride time is three minutes, plenty of time for most Auction attendees to finish. A videographer will capture the event for posterity, and when you reach the tasting room a lavish feast awaits! Feel free to engage in intercourse on the way down too--it will help get the taste of Sterling's wines out of your mouth.
Going down while you're going up!!

Luxurious Trip to North Korea with Thomas Keller
Estimated Value $15,000

Here's a foodie's dream! Two weeks in the magic kingdom of Kim Jong Il with legendary chef Thomas Keller. You'll see all of the most famous and beautiful sites in North Korea, including the Tomb of the Unknown Jong, Six Flags Over Tyrant, and North Korea's magnificent dam, the Dam It All to Il. Best of all, you'll dine each night at North Korea's world famous temple of cuisine, Il Bully, with Mr. Keller manning the stoves. Keller will turn out signature North Korean dishes like Kimcheehuahua, as well as classics adapted to the native cuisine like Pug a l'Orange and Shih Tzu on a Shingle.

Own a Cult Winery For a Day!
Estimated Value $12,000

What's it really like to own one of Napa Valley's cult wineries? Here's your chance to find out. Spend a day being the owner of Harlan Estate! You get to taste all the wines, you get to wade through all the requests for charity donations, you get to make all the decisions. Las Vegas market drying up? Fly there and try to convince what sommeliers are left that they need to have a vertical of Harlan Estate on their wine lists. It's fun to fawn over those cretins! Or spend the day crafting an email to what's left of your waiting list making it sound like you're doing them a favor and granting them the privilege of purchasing your wine for $500 a bottle. And do it all while drunk on said bottle! You're going to need it.


Anonymous said...

It turns out I was the low bidder on the "Get in the Ring and Punch The Crap Out of Bo Barrett" of Chateau Montelena and the movie "Bottle Shock" fame. Seems the high bidder was someone named Jim Barrett who got that auction item the past so many years...

Then I missed out on the horizontal tasting of 90+ Point Napa Wines with James (Osama Bin) Laube. I'm not disappointed, seems everyone has to be horizontal when trying to taste these wines. Some fellow from an upstate New York wine store got that one.

My friends from the local Citizens' Militia were hoping I bid enough to win the "Robert Parker Target Practice and Cabernet Ho-Down." This is being held at a local American Canyon firing range with images of The Wine Bravocado, himself, as the target. Following the shooting, they're having a tasting of Cabernets with gobs o' fruit. But I was, alas, outbid by a cadre of Napa Valley Cabernet vintners.

My wife was disappointed I didn't bid enough to get the See's Candy/Turley Zinfandel/American Dental Association Picnic in Bale Mill State Park. I don't know which is sweeter, the Turley Zins or the See's chocolate truffles.

Damn...Nothin' but disappointment.

Samantha Dugan said...

I bid on the Baby On Board package, you know...the one with Helen Turley and Michel Rolland's frozen embryo, but was out bid by Fred Franzia, dammit

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Wow, Jim Barrett outbid Heidi? Shocking. Yes, the Auction was disappointing for everyone. I think they need that celebrity host again next year. Maybe Bernie Madoff can get things rolling again.

Sam, Darling,

Sadly, the embryo you bid on was on a stick and was licked to death by Marvin Shanken. Want to ride the Sterling tram with me, Gorgeous?

Samantha Dugan said...

Ewe, gives a whole new meaning to the term dip stick, no? My Mother wanted me about taking rides with strangers....

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Stranger? Stranger? Me? Strangest, maybe, but not stranger. I just thought you, more than anyone, would want to experience the thrill that is Sterling Merlot.