Ever since she won a Poodle for her “The Death of Wine Critics,” Lo Hai Qu has been insufferable.
HoseMaster of Wine™ to her so she can express her thoughts about wine. I’m sure she expects, at the very least, to win another Poodle Award, if not a James Beard Award, or a Pritzker. I told her that the Pritzkers are for Architects, but she said she was sure Cambodians could win as well. Which may be true, but she’s not even Cambodian. Anyway, here she is, the one, the only, Lo Hai Qu.
First of all, let me say that this blog is stupid. I don’t understand hardly any of the stuff the HoseMaster is talking about. And who the hell are these supposedly famous people he’s always making fun of? Tim Fish? Who’s he? I have no idea, but when did he say goodbye to his partner. Mr. Chips? He’s always making fun of Alice Feiring. I asked my girls if they ever heard of her. Nope. But they all guessed with a name like Alice she was either really old or a dude. And then there’s some Heimoff maneuver guy, and 1WineDoody, which is what was in my panties after I drank some Lodi Petite Sirah and had to fire off a Lo-flying rocket. The whole thing doesn’t make any fucking sense.
So, come on, ask yourself, why would somebody decide to start reading wine blogs? Duh. To learn about wine. I’ve been reading this lame blog since I started working here, and what have I learned about wine from the so-called HoseMaster of Wine? (fuck that ™ thing, what does that stand for, Tiny Manhood?)—zip, nada, zero, Bublé. Who reads this crap? Best Writing on a Wine Blog? It’s not even the Best Writing on the Head of a Pin. It’s the Best Writing by a Pinhead, though. HAHAHAHAHAHA, you been Lo-balled, HoseBoy.
Me and my friends decided we would start our own wine blog. We’re going to make a wine blog just like one we want to read, and with a lot of cool pictures of us like photo-bombing winemakers, or posing with really big bottles of wine (one of the biggest ones is called a “Meshuggenah” and was named for some crazy old Jewish king—so, like an ancient Harvey Weinstein), or hanging with cute guys working in tasting rooms. And it’s going to have lots of good information about wine so that when other Millennials read it they’ll learn not to be scared of wine. There’s nothing to be scared of. One thing I’ve learned here, for sure, is that there can’t be very much to know about wine. Look at the comments section! Yeah, those are some smart people... And I’m Yao Ming’s dental floss. You mostly just have to tell everybody you’re a wine expert, and they believe you! That’s how wine blogs work. People are fucking stupid. Like they watch America’s Got Talent and believe that Howie Mandel and Heidi Klum know about talent. Which is like saying you know what diarrhea feels like when you never had it. HAHAHAHAHAHA, Howie and Heidi got Lo-Botomized!
Me and my friends are going to call our new wine blog Lo on Wine. Get it? Yeah, I know, it’s perfect. I’m gonna be the one who writes the wine reviews. At first, I’ll just steal wines from the samples the HoseMaster gets. That’s easy. He’s mostly drunk all the time. And then he talks to his little white thing. I still don’t know why he calls it Jay Mac. So I already wrote my first wine review! Here’s a preview!
MÉNAGE Á TROIS 2011 WHITE WINE $10
This is three different whites blended together, like a Mormon wedding. It’s got Chardonnay and Chenin Blanc and Muscat Alexandria. I’ve heard of one of those grapes, and it’s not the last two. Or is it the last four? I thought Chenin Blanc was one of Beyoncé’s backup singers, the one with the booty that looks like a Honey Baked Ham franchise. White wine all tastes the same to me. Like it’s all fruity, and smells like the inside of your fridge. This was good,
See! A little bit of education, and then some honest tasting notes. Oh, man, we are going to get a million samples. Especially with that new ending. Fuck, I almost blew that. No Jay Mac jokes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, his dick got Diss-Lo-Cated!
We’re going to get a million hits a month on Lo on Wine. I won a Wine Blog Award! With my very first post! Who’s ever done that? So everyone is going to want to read Lo on Wine. We’re gonna have lots of regular features too. Like my friend Shizzangela, she’s this really hot white chick, and we’re going to take pictures of her that will illustrate how wine is made! She’s not afraid to be pretty naked, and she has like these amazing tattoos. Millennials think tattoos are hot because nothing says hot like drunken sailors. So one idea is to have one of the guys wear a hockey mask and carry a chainsaw and pretend to be sawing off Shizzangela’s legs and the caption reads, “Destemmed.” Did I say Shizzangela is only wearing panties and two Dom Perignon labels covering her nips? Tell me that won’t get a link from Eric Amazon. And then we’ll have a regular feature about all the different grapes and we’ll just copy the text from that Janice Robinson book. You know, really, one of the best things about my generation is we don’t think plagiarism is any big deal. Got us through college, what’s so bad about that?
So now you won’t have to read this stupid blog any more. All the wine stuff you want to know will be on Lo on Wine. Like information you can use, and cool photos and links to all the other cool Millennial blogs out there. I even have my first sentence written!
I hope you’ll join me on my journey to discover wine.
Fuck, I love plagiarism.