Thursday, October 22, 2009

Opening Up the Ol' Male Bag

It's time once again to dip into the old mailbag and reprint some of the voluminous and enlightening mail that I receive here at
HoseMaster of Wine. The most interesting comments I receive come via my personal email and not as posts in the Comments section. Obviously. Herewith, a few of the recent epistles.

Dear Mr. Washam, Fellow Nobel Laureate,

Congratulations on your Nobel Prize for Wine Blogging. As I was telling Michelle just the other day as I was putting the big Barack to her in the Lincoln library, I never miss an episode of "The M.S. Conspiracy." Never read it, never miss it. But that's not why I'm writing.

Ron, I really think you should bring back the naked girls you used to have on your blog. Now, I'm not the kind of President who thinks naked girls are entertainment, that was President Clinton. I'm still scraping the stuff off underneath the Presidential desk in the Offal Office. Naked women are what made America great, and they should be celebrated. Our forefathers knew about naked women, heck, that's why they're our forefathers. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I can trace my lineage directly back to Thomas Jefferson's slow cousin George. And, in his great words, "Well, we're movin' on up." So those people who have said that it was degrading and exploitative for you to post cheesecake photos on HoseMaster of Wine, well, they're simply wrong. Or they're lying bastards like those assholes at Fox News, where America goes to escape the truth.

I'll see you in Oslo. You may have heard that I won the Nobel Peace Prize. And, hell, I didn't have to kill half the number of people Kissinger did to win it!

Io Triumphe,
President Barack Obama

Dear Mr. Washam,

Perhaps you've heard that "Gourmet" magazine has ceased its print publication. We ran out of recipes. Hell, we were reprinting crap we ran in the '70's, surrounding it with staged photos of shallow pinheads pretending to have an actual dinner party and for some reason no one was buying it. It was my idea to run stories about food and culture, about the history of food, about food as a substitute for sex, especially zucchini. I hired some of the best writers in the business, which ain't saying much, granted, but still, they were the best. And for what? Decreased circulation, like a guy with E.D. I wrote endlessly about my life, about how my mother and my
family influenced me, ridiculously vapid and maudlin stories of growing up with the love that came out of my mother's kitchen, thinking that would get the suckers to subscribe, but, as it turned out, schmaltz only sells so many magazines. I should have gone with more food porn. I've got shots of Rachel Ray removing kernels from corn cobs with her, oh, never mind. Though it does make a tasty goulash.

Anyhow, now that "Gourmet" has gone the way of dinosaurs, passenger pigeons and Sarah Palin's integrity (did you see where her almost son-in-law is going to pose nude in "Playgirl" showing his Alaskan pipeline to fifteen minutes of fame and fatherhood?), I'm wondering if you have any need for a guest blogger on your esteemed HoseMaster of Wine. Oh, I can write all about growing up with wine and how I learned to feel love at my mother's knee as she opened her third bottle of Green Hungarian in the kitchen while Dad was working late at the office again. Or I can write all about wine and culture with all kinds of insight. Did you know wine was Jesus' first miracle? It was. And then he turned the bottles into fish bottles. Or something like that. I'll do some research. Or I can write one of those Gerald Asher type articles that talk all about the history of wine. Did you know the Vikings, when they discovered Minnesota, called it Vineland? Isn't that interesting? I didn't even know they spoke English. I'm chock full of this stuff, and I'm better than Asher. I didn't demote him at "Gourmet" to writing wine pairing filler for nothing. Sheesh, who needs articulate and educated writing when you can have pretentious and laborious pontificating? I know from your work that you wholeheartedly agree.

I look forward to hearing from you and working with you to make HoseMaster of Wine the next "Gourmet."

Ruth Reichl

Dear Mr. HoseMaster,

I don't for a minute believe that you know the first thing about wine. Or comedy, for that matter. You never even talk about wine on your stupid blog, you just write idiotic pulp fiction parodies and make fun of real wine bloggers. I don't read wine blogs to be entertained, for God's sake, no one does. In fact, as you well know, the only people who read wine blogs are other wine bloggers, pathetic wine wannabes, and social media consultants for wineries. In other words, Losers.

At least serious wine bloggers have a goal. They want to influence people with their taste. They generously stoop to teach the poor unwashed ignoramuses who just like to drink wine that it isn't enough to enjoy wine, it's more important to preach about it. They remind us that all other wine critics are corrupt and misguided, that opinion has a place in the wine world, just not yours. They live to suck up the free samples taking up space in winery warehouses--OK, they used to be for sale, but now they're free samples. They perform a service, they remind us that wine isn't an adult beverage meant to bring enjoyment with a meal, it's an adult beverage meant to bring enjoyment to a meal if they say it brings enjoyment, and not a minute sooner.

And what about you, Mr. HoseMaster? What is it that you do? Aside from amuse yourself, and no one else, with your snide asides and ignorant opinions? Why don't you just drop the facade and admit you don't know anything about wine? You're not fooling anybody. Of course, it probably doesn't matter, who would buy a wine you recommended anyway? Who would be that stupid? OK, the folks who buy Murphy-Goode, fine.

I suggest you find another line of work and abandon your mind-numbingly stupid blog. I hear there are a lot of positions available in wine marketing. You'd be perfect.



Samantha Dugan said...

Calling bullshit, that last letter is so perfectly written, so beautifully HAD to be you. Only one man I know can write that well...dude, I even like it when you are being a dick to yourself.

Diane said...

Dear HMW,
Now that you are to receive a Nobel something (Noble rot - Botrytis?), perhaps a little bit about your background is in order. Like, how did you get the moniker of Hosemaster.

Rumor has it you were power washing some equipment in a Napa winery? Is that really true?

We want to know!!!

Your wine bitch,


D J R-S said...

Cut to the chase, the RachRay porn? PRICELESS! I never imagined I could trust my corncob to her kitchen hack hands. Must've not watched enough episodes. Now, I may not need meds anymore!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Heavens, no, I didn't write any of these letters! These are real! Anyway, I don't write under the pseudonym "Anonymous," I am the guy who is "Name Withheld by Request." You've seen my work in Penthouse.

I adore you, Samantha!

Diane Darling,

I guess I shall have to do a post about the HoseMaster's origins. It all begins on the planet Krypton with a really obese Marlon Brando.

I so love having a wine bitch!

I adore you too, Diane!

Hey D J,

The Food Network is 100% porn, and they flaunt it. I happen to know that Rachel Ray, when she eats a big corn cob, eats it from left to right like a typewriter...Man, that feels good.

And, by the way, Rachel Ray is much better on meds.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mister Hosemaster-Baiter,

I have often thought your little blog was mildly amusing and I told friends I rate it an 87.

Some of your swipes at me have gobs of fruit and are pernicious and inflammatory.

Though some have described me as a nabob (or naRobert), I am betting the Hosemaster is an impecunious sybarite whose pabulum, I see, is followed by a limited number of sycophants (or psychophants, if you prefer).

I've seen the confabulation on this blog and I was impressed by that fellow who posted something about the NFL which was not terribly obsequious, unlike some of the myrmidonic followers here.

Though a couple of Hosemaster followers possess significant pulchritudinous features, I don't believe any further effrontery need be posted here by me or anybody else!

Robert M. Parker, Jr.

Luke said...

hahaha, I love reading your posts. I work in writing marketing content and producing media for a wine/beer/food importer and distributer (I ONLY do it for the money), so your articles really make me laugh and laugh and laugh.