Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Signs You May Be Mentally Ill

I often wonder if there is a more thankless task than wine blogging. But I guess pursuing anything that is basically psychopathic is in the end always a thankless task. And, actually, bloggers get a lot of credit compared to, say, stalkers, yet both share the same sick need. To prove that we really, really love you like no one has loved you before. And to let you know that if we can't have you, no one can. Wine bloggers are stalkers in training. Hell, look at Gary Vaynerchuk and tell me that guy hasn't broken into his ex-girlfriend's house and put First Growth corks in her underwear drawer to warn her from dating a real man (after all, Gary is inflatable). He's probably wearing her stolen panties under his cheap pants too, though I, for one, don't think that's necessarily a sign of mental illness. Sometimes a guy just lost a bet, right, honey?

The addiction to wine is mental illness. People that don't see the appeal of wine know this. But wine geeks, wine lovers, wine bloggers, others suffering from the same delusions, we don't know we're mentally ill. We think everyone feels the way we do, believes what we believe, that there's absolutely nothing wrong with us. But look at the symptoms.

Feelings of Superiority: Do you have the feeling that you're better than most people because you know a lot about wine? Sure you do. And look at the crazy folks who own wineries in Napa Valley. You know, 3000 years from now archaeologists are going to "discover" Napa Valley. They'll dig up wineries like Jarvis and Hall and Palmaz and Castello di Amorosa and think they've discovered another Valley of the Pharaohs. Another place where rich and powerful men built shrines to themselves so that they could be buried with their toys, so that they would be separate from ordinary men and not have to be associated with them. Why else build such lavish palaces to simply ferment grape juice? Surely these wineries are loud cries for help.

Speaking Incoherently: Ever really listen to wine experts expounding about wine? It's basically speaking in tongues but without the clarity or the snakes (unless the marketing people are present). It's like the babble of seriously schizophrenic people, people unable to hear anything but the voices in their own head. "I find the aroma rather primary with some ml, but the mouth is generous, though a bit abbreviated and lacking in the middle, and there's some r.s. and it's hot." Babbling. And even if you understand all of that wine babble, chances are it's inaccurate 80% of the time. But when you have overwhelming feelings of superiority it just doesn't matter. Ask any wine judge.

Belief in Hidden Messages: Crazy people think that there are secret messages for them being broadcast on the TV or hidden in ads on the bus or that their dog is trying to tell them something ("Now you lick your balls, now you lick your balls, now you lick your balls..."). Wine geeks think there are secret messages in numbers. An "89," oh, they (you know, crazy people talk about "they" all the time) say that's a perfectly good wine and worth seeking out, but what they really mean is it's not that good, that they wouldn't serve it to a Big Loser contestant selling OxyContin to Rush Limbaugh much less someone they were trying to impress. And 100 is perfection without question, and the hidden message of 100, meant just for me, is that I don't understand perfection because I not only can't get 100 point wines but if I did I taste them I would probably wonder what makes them perfect, or, worse, believe that whatever they did taste like actually was perfection. Numbers are wine loonies' Belief in Hidden Messages.

Hallucinations: Mentally ill people sometimes see things that don't really exist. They see Jesus or dinosaurs or Michael Buble. Their minds manufacture these objects and, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, the crazy people believe them to actually exist. Wine lovers have many hallucinations. They believe Wine Spectator rates wines blind. They think the BevMo 5 cent sale is an actual deal for them. They believe Wilfred Wong actually exists. They think Temecula is beautiful. They think the guy they met at a local wine tasting that they drunkenly took home is handsome when he's actually a cardboard cutout of one of those shitheads posed like Captain Morgan. Wine people suffer from continual hallucinations.

Put these symptoms together and there is only one sane diagnosis. Wine lovers are fuckin' nuts.
Which is why I have nothing to do with them.


Paul said...

The NFL decides who becomes an owner not the other way around.

All this blowhard (Rush Hudson Limbaugh A.KA. Jeff Christie) has to offer is his money and his opinions, (which in my opinion are on the fringes of racism, one mans opinion). There are many more groups biding for the Rams, not just his group. Lets face it there are more men with money (Marshall Faulk) that will gladly fill the slot and the Rams will win or lose depending on how well they work as a team and not on whether or not Rush is an owner.

As for Vick, well he is a player (he has talent not like you, Rush or I, unless you are a NFL player?) and he served his time and the NFL decided we live in the land of second chances, so why not (I personally don’t like it but, oh well). Life has never been fair (NEWS FLASH!)

Now as to the “Free Speech” argument, I guess many of you like myself heard Rush on Thursday “Almost in tears”, priceless. But the last couple of days he now is in his normal ranting and will continue until someone surpasses him, “Free Speech” continues, so what is being stifled, it simply is not true, of course, you may not have a radio, so you might want to get one.

PS – I am sure someone is working to put the tapes together maybe all you subscribers can help, since you are all about getting to the truth?

PPS- Beauty Pageant Judge - Now I understand why he lost the weight, to find a new wife, creepy.

Ron Washam, HMW said...


A fan of the NFL? Definitely mentally ill.

Charlie Olken said...

It is only appropriate that each of us who frequent this place (all seven of us--and, no, Sam, you do not get to go twice just because you are the teacher's pet) rate ourselves based on the Master's criteria. I will admit. I have been baited by the Master on this one.

Feelings of Superiority--Yes

Speaking Incohently--No. Perhaps, writing incoherently, but not speaking incoherently. I don't speak.

Belief in Hidden Messages--My mood rings rates all my wines.

Hallucinations--Am I really responding to this? I hope I am dreaming.

Samantha Dugan said...

Mr. HoseMaster Sir,
I am posting here from London, (see cannot get enough HoseMaster) where I will be attending a...wait for it, NFL game. So rather than wander the streets of Soho I am here reading The HoseMaster of Wine and waiting to watch the Patriots Tampa Bay game, AND on top of that, I'm a blogger...I'm pretty much fucked. I'm a trifecta of crazy.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Puff Daddy,

The longer I do this the more I am convinced that all wine bloggers are mentally ill to some degree. I'm just the most mentally ill. No other way to explain the endless blather I crank out in this space.

And you don't write incoherently at all, my friend. At least I think that's what you were trying to say.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

You aren't so much crazy as misguided. Watching football in London is like going to a strip club in Afghanistan. There just has to be something better to do.

Have a ball in London, Love. It must be beautiful there this time of year--after all, you're there!

I adore you.

Samantha Dugan said...

I am not the teachers pet, I believe he offers those, "special tutoring services" to all of his readers. One tip, stay away from the advanced leap frog lesson, I only had to make that mistake once.

Not sure where your hatred of the NFL comes from, least it's not something stoopid like say, baseball where all the players wear their WT gold rope chains and are on the disabled list for like a hangnail and stuff. Oh and for the record, if I were in Afghanistan, I think a strip club might be the only place I would want to be!