Monday, February 8, 2010

Coming Soon! More Useless Blogs!

I feel kind of confined by HoseMaster of Wine. Sure, it's brilliant comedy and, well, there's not a lot of that out there in the wine blogosphere, though LusciousLushes is hilariously inept. And sure I've won the Nobel Prize, a Pritzker, several Humanitarian awards, a People's Choice, an NBA MVP, and a coveted Psoriasis Society Biggest Flake Award, but I'll be honest, there are so many other bloggers I want to be, so many different kinds of blogs that I admire and want to emulate. So I'm thinking of starting a few more wine blogs. Hey, I'm basically unemployed, I've got the time, and, besides, as so many so aptly demonstrate, they don't take much work or thought.


I love the blogs that just review the stupid and virtually worthless samples that are sent to them. Listen, friends, here's a clue: When the cost of shipping the bottle exceeds the bottle's price, don't review it! It's crap, and the winery is fishing for a fool to slap their label on their wine blog, and you're the bottom feeder they've hooked. But I love the concept. Post after post about truly mediocre wine, every one praised as though it's the Second Coming of Yquem. I get the wine for free, I steal descriptions from the marketing material included with the bottle, and then I match it with a poem or a song or a porn movie, and, voila, I have a successful wine blog. One thing about the Internet--no shortage of stupid people reading it.

"The Ironstone 2006 Cabernet Sauvignon would be perfect with Vivid's 'The Hurt Licker.'"

If cyberspace can be said to be wasted, this species is the Cheech and Chong of wine blogs. I'd model mine after WineHarlots (please, for the love of God, I'm begging you, believe me, you MUST believe me, do NOT go there), which, if there were any justice, would be ground up and put in cow horns and buried in a BioDynamic vineyard. Here two sisters, equally ignorant about wine, review samples that seem to have been sent to them instead of The Dollar Store. Not only do they wax rhapsodic about these dogs in prose that is surely computer generated and stiffer than the lead actor in "The Hurt Licker," they feel the need to tell you what closure the bottle sports (no doubt because you wouldn't want to rush out and purchase a fraudulent bottle of this unmitigated piss), and they match the wine with music. So I'm supposed to believe that two women with very little in the way of discernment when it comes to wine know music? And, hell, am I supposed to chug the bottle in the four minutes it takes to play your crappy iPod selection, or do I just play it over and over until the wine is finished and my sanity deeply injured?

There are countless blogs out there like WineHarlots. I see them as the Special Olympics of Tasting Notes. I want in. I think WineBottomFeeder will be a huge hit.


So this would be my blog where I list lots of events going on in the wine world and act like I'm doing a public service by writing about them, tweeting about them, and posting them on my Facebook page, so I am generally responsible for their success. This gives me great feelings of self-importance. I get an email from someone putting on a wine-related event, I jot down the info on my blog, make it sound like it is of critical importance for everyone who loves wine to participate or read about it, and, there, I've got me a blog! You can do these posts in your sleep, and lots of bloggers do. The lastest conference on Social Media and Wine, you should go!! (Hey, if Social Media is so powerful, why do we have to have a conference? Can't we just do it from home, at our computers, on our iPhones? Do we have to go to some dumpy hotel to listen to Alder and Andy and Joe and Steve tell us how much influence they have? I already know how much influence they have--look at the dumpy hotel ballroom they're speaking in.)

Of course, a blog like this demands that you post five days a week. So keep those PR notices coming! Otherwise, I might actually have to have something to say. Have a stupid wine event? I'll publicize it! And then I'll tweet about it so that my 674 followers on Twitter can feel like they're important, that they're the very lifeline of existence without whom information simply does not exist, and I'll post it on Facebook because, well, that's where I go to reassure myself I have friends, really good friends, friends who would do anything for me. All of this proves I am important in the wine business, and, as we all know, importance translates into expertise. Not the other way around.


OK, I'm a little old to start this blog, but I can pretend. I play the part of a frustrated writer (my friends always tell me I'm so good at writing I should start my own blog! I wrote for my high school newspaper, you know) who has discovered his passion for wine. Join me on my journey of discovery! Why? Well, because it is so interesting and I have so much to say. Together we'll explore wine. And none of that icky European stuff, and nothing that costs much money. Frankly, tasting all of those expensive and great wines just ruins your palate and you can't really enjoy the kind of wines you can afford, so why bother? I've had lots of wines under $15 that I'd rate over 95 points! Why? Hell, it's easy when you don't know anything. That's why they call it a journey. But wouldn't you much rather enjoy a $12 bottle that gets 95 points than a $125 bottle that gets 96? And you can! Just join me as I discover the amazing world of wine! Here are just a few of the things you'll learn along with me:

Did you know Pinot Grigio and Pinot Gris are the same grape! They mean "old pinot" in Italian and French.

Did you know not all Gewurztraminer is sweet? I know! Neither did I? And the "w" is pronounced like a "v," just like in Der Wienerschnitzel--and they're a perfect wine and food match!

Did you know professional wine people spit wine out when they taste it?! Not me. That's just stupid.


Puff Daddy said...

Wine Harlots or Brix Chicks?

Which is your favorite girl band?

I prefer solo singers myself.

Puff Daddy said...

Speaking of solo singers.

Do you give advice for the lovelorn? I mean, this silly blog cannot be all you do?

Well, HMW, here is my problem. I have this thing for this chick named Sam. And I think I am getting along fine with her, but she keeps flrting with some Ron guy, and then she introduces to me to her friend Alice and tells me to play nice with Alice.

Do you think Sam still loves me?

Puff Daddy said...

OK, HMW, I won't start a blog until I have checked out its name with you. It's just that I am running out of wine and can't wait for those sample of $7 Chilean Carmenere to come flooding in. Oh, and will someone please send me Gruner Veltliner? I have to wash my hubcaps.

Samantha Dugan said...

Mr. Puff Daddy Sir,
Might I just point out that it was YOU that had your head spun by Alice. You were the one that was so bold as to tell me that you were going to cheat on me with Alice, broke my heart you brute....I thought I was your special girl, (you must picture big sad eyes and a pouty lip here).

I don't flirt, was born without the gift of purring sweet nothings, flicking little snips of wit and sass that seem to land on the intended in such a way that it leaves them feeling as if I've taken a big, wet, groan indicing bite out of their neck. So sorry, if you saw flirting...wasn't me, (helps to picture me walking away and looking over my shoulder while saying this).

And yes, I still love you!

Samantha Dugan said...

Oh, and great post Ron! Keep up the good work. You know, you are getting to be kind of funny and just might give the Heimoff a run for his money....

Backing away
Covering my hide
Sending you kisses...

Thomas said...

Who the hell is this Ron Washburn anyway? Why does he think he haz sumething to saye? And he can't even rite. I don't lik hiz blog.

Wine Harlots said...

Thanks for the kind words, Ron.
You may want to apply for Rahm Emanuel’s job, I hear it might be opening up and you’d be perfect.

mia said...

Is there a logic in bashing other bloggers? I prefer to read about the wines you enjoy then the less than professional comments.

Mia Frank

CabFrancoPhile said...

Ron, there are a few more blogs you might consider starting. The Sample Slut, where your expertise is based on receiving free bottles. Selling t-shirts and etched glasses with your catch phrase "I swallow all the swill they send me so you won't know what's shit . . . ."

Or, Wanting To Be a Wino. Where you write up polite reviews on everything you receive, being especially in awe of expensive wines. Your palate education will be at the whims of the marketers--just the way the want it.

Ron Washam said...

Puff Daddy,

My favorite girl band is Adam Lambert, whose family owns Lambert Bridge, don't they? And, no, I do not dispense advice to the lovelorn. I always keep my opinions to myself. As for starting a blog--well, most people start a blog in an hour. It's been seven months for you. I'll believe it when I see it. Though I'm thinking if it's not called Puff Daddy of Wine I may start one with that name.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Hmmm. I wonder what a Sans Dosage parody would read like...

I adore you, my little troublemaker.

Ms. Wine Harlot,

I picked on you but I could easily have picked on fifty other blogs doing the same schtick. I'm afraid the HoseMaster was in a foul mood this morning when he wrote this. But at least I spelled your name right; and thank you for providing a link to your blog with your comment so that others can judge whether I was too harsh. Of course I was, it's satire, in the loosest definition of the word. Was it mean, sure. Was it unjust? Just one bozo's opinion.


You're in the wrong place. This is the wine blogosphere. We don't get paid. None of us is professional. Unless you count getting bribed with free wine as professional, in which case we're, well, harlots, the world's oldest profession.

"Bashing" other bloggers isn't about logic, Mia. The sort of nonsense I do here is about using satire as the weapon it is intended to be. The point wasn't the bashing, the point was expressing a view rarely, if ever, expressed in our little corner of the Internet--that most wine blogs are unbelievably idiotic. I just like to make it a more interesting opinion than that.

Cab Frank,

One is clearly too many blogs for the ol' HoseMaster.

Eric V. Orange said...

Ha. Let me emphasize that...HA HA!

I keep coming back for more. I can't help it.
Keep at it that Rahm?


Arthur said...

A long time ago, in a blogging galaxy far, far away, wine bloggers enjoyed being skewered by a blog called wine-ing 2.0 and almost wanted that dubious honor.
What changed?


A friend and good pal from the Department of Repetitiveness and Redundancy pointed out, with respect to this topic, many and most wine blogs are, uh, useless.
Are the Bricks Chix, at least, well stacked? Maybe that's why Sir Puffnstuff is a fan of their Lodi Klinkers??
Hosemaster, Sir...

If you are serious about posting more wine blogs...

If you had one evaluating wine made from grapes grown within walled vineyards... CLOS-MASTER of WINE
If you post on dealing with racking wine using gravity... FLOWS-MASTER OF WINE
Write one evaluating solely the aromatics of wines: NOSE-MASTER OF WINE
Issue periodic reviews of wines vinified in lagares and from grapes crushed by feet: TOES MASTER OF WINE
A blog with witicisms and reviews of a prominent St. Estephe chateau: COS-MASTER OF WINE
A wine blog to cure insomnia (which many do already): DOZE-MASTER OF WINE
If you're going to mimic many blogs where the authors attempt to appear knowledgeable about wine: POSE-MASTER OF WINE
A wine blog dealing with one particular Northern Rhone appellation (Sam will love this one): CROZES-MASTER OF WINE
A wine blog emcompassing Eisweins from Germany: DER FROZE-MASTER OF WEIN
If yuo choose to write a wien blgo fro dyslexics: TRANSPOSE MASTER OF WINE



Arthur said...

Don't forget: - specializing in smoke-tainted wines...

Puff Daddy said...



Samantha Dugan said...! C'mon, not even close...but if it is trouble you seek, call me.

I've been waiting for a Sans Dosage parody for months, bring it Hose Boy...I can take it. If it stings too much I will see if My Charlie will beat you up for it. Would love to have you take a bite outta me, as it were...

Thomas said...

Let me see: around 1,000 wine blogs are in's so obvious what follows that thought that nothing more needs to be said.

Charlie has the right idea, thus far. Do not succumb ole man. Don't be pressured into doing it. But if you must, I'll sell you my blog for a pittance, which will then finally make the drivel that I've typed over the years pay off.

Puff Daddy said...


The problem with selling things is that they have a market value. Care to estimate the market value of your blog?

Now Sam's blog--that another thing. I get to look at pictures of feet, and that's way better than not looking at picture of pretty girls now that Ron has eschewed that subject.

If I ever do a blog, here is my first promise. No pictures of my feet; pictures of Sam's feet instead.

Samantha Dugan said...

My feet?! Then why did you have me send you all those glossy pictures of my boobs?! Dang it Charlie....


Puff Daddy, Sir: If you're going to write a wine blog specializing in "foot" photos, you'll have to move to Piedmont.
One can only imagine Samantha Avec Dosage...still bubbly, but with less 'bite.' BRUTal?
SECsy? I think the Hosemaster is being MAGNUMinous by not barbing SSD. Besides, there are many websites so deserving of his sharp lampoon (or is it a harpoon?).


Puff Daddy said...

I should live so long.

Pied Daddy said...

My most recent comment to Sam, not Anon1, who should keep his feet to himself.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Gang,

Gee, remember when Samantha used to come here to flirt with ME?

Don't you people sleep?

Damn blog is turning into FaceHoseMaster of Wine. Hey, I have 41 Friends!

Thomas said...


You haven't 41 friends, you have numeric dyslexia...


I said I'd sell the blog for a pittance--you want me to embarrass myself and name a price to all 14 people reading?

Jimmie Schnipke said...

Little Ronnie

Time for you to really get serious about something in your life. This wine stuff is way too much fun.

Jimmie Schnipke

Puffkes said...

Little Ronnie ??

I like that.

And it is so nice that little Ronnie has a friend named little Jimmie.

By the way, did you know that Ekpinhcs is Schnipke spelled backwards? Neither did I.

And you also probably did not know that you can get schnipkes from working for bubkes.

Erin said...

Dear Mister,

As always, I adore you, and my silly blog is on your pinch list, and for that I also am grateful, even though it's really quite silly.

I do believe you're my wine blog saviour but don't get a big head yet, Heimoff just lost that title and look where he ended up! (Insert song lyrics and wine pairing here.)

Love, Erin

The Wine Mule said...

Do you think Tom Wark has gotten crazier since he stopped smoking?

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you and thousands of other people for not visiting my blog. It is already both useless and boring. If anybody actually read it, I'd probably feel obliged to, you know, apply myself to it.

helen said...

Cheers for the compliment. Actually I don't really know how to do build my own modules unfortunately. What I'll do at some point in the near future is take the site to another town in the UK and when I do that I'll build a module for it. I'm still kind of learning the ropes when it comes to Dru pal.