Thursday, January 12, 2012

Dept. of Lame Premises


The beginning of the year brings out the prognosticator in all of us, and since I’m over 50 I had to have my prognostate checked. Everything came out fine, if slightly sulfurous around my fingernails. I have an amazing ability to predict the future of the wine business. Most of you will remember I predicted that HoseMaster of Wine would fold. That Jess Jackson would also fold. And that Constellation would sell off its Australian wine portfolio because they found out there aren’t any Mexicans in Australia. So as you read my predictions for 2012 keep my uncanny accuracy in mind. Now, if only my prognostate exam had been un-canny.

President Obama will serve a screwtop in the White House—Speaker of the House John Boehner.

"There ain't no flies on me. Ribbit"
Our quaint little print wine publications will start to slowly disband or merge. It will be revealed that Stephen Tanzer is actually Allen Meadows the Burghound, who, in turn, is actually a pseudonym for Stephen Hawking who tastes every wine submitted via an enema. The hard part is spitting. Ironic, considering his name… Robert Parker finally admits that he’s dead and points to hiring Jay Miller as proof of an EEG flatter than sales of Wine Advocate subscriptions…Jancis Robinson responds, “You think you’re dead! I hired that bozo from Vornography! I’m a suicide!”… Connoisseurs’ Guide, Wine and Spirits, and Wine Enthusiast merge to form “Connoisseurs’ Guide to Enthusiastic Spirits.” Tom Cruise gets Three Poofs and a Best Bi... Wine Spectator is sold to Riedel which then breaks it up into 29 different publications, each dedicated to only one variety. Riedel argues that the size of the print and the quality of the paper determine how much sense the ratings make. Consumers fall for their bullshit again… 

DNA evidence will show that Gruner Veltliner is a cross between Riesling and a durian.

An article in the “Journal of Psychiatry” will use wine blogs as a resource for studying megalomania. “Wine bloggers,” the authors say, “ exhibit the classic signs of megalomania—an unshakable belief in their importance mixed with the conviction that they and their opinions are special and powerful despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.” The only cure, the authors conclude, is for wine bloggers to be “…systematically neutered with the new Rabbit TM Genocide Edition...” Except for the HoseMaster, who should be “…lobotomized. Again.”

Pinot Noir’s popularity will begin to wane in the wake of the discovery that many of the most popular brands were made from expired cans of Cherry Coke. This is discovered by a Denny’s waitress at a blind tasting of Marcassin Pinot Noir… Helen Turley appears in a Super Bowl ad for Pepsi… Grenache replaces Pinot Noir as the red wine of choice for sissies, and everyone proclaims New Zealand the best place in the world to grow it even though no one believes it to be true… Constellation buys every New Zealand winery and bottles the same Sauvignon Blanc with 200 different labels. This was already being done.

Big Chief Enologist
The Natural Wine movement in California becomes contentious when Robert Sinskey Winery announces that, moving forward, not only will its wines be made with native yeast, but its grapes will be harvested by Native Americans. “And I’m doing it without reservation,” said Sinskey, “so Sioux me.” …Other Natural Wine halfwits up the ante by announcing they will only use barrels made from wood harvested within 50 miles of the winery, and not wood that was harvesting using a chainsaw. “We Hire Local Beavers” is their new marketing slogan…They are successfully sued by “Girls Gone Wild.”

Jess Jackson and Robert Mondavi form a partnership to start a winery in Hell. Prosecco is their first release, appropriate because, as is usual with Prosecco, it smells of embalming fluid... James Suckling rates it 94...Nobody gives an SO2 sandwich... Satan serves it as his house wine on the recommendation of his personal sommelier, Gary Vaynerchuk. Satan complains about the purchase of Vaynerchuk’s soul, “I got screwed like a Penn State ballboy on that deal.”

Climate change will drastically affect vineyards all over the world... Most of the wine world drops two degrees—the totally useless WSET and CSW… The average temperature in Napa Valley drops, forcing local wineries to pool their resources and raise the temperature by burning piles of money—as if hiring Michel Rolland wasn’t enough… The Germans are forced to make Eiswein by storing the Riesling grapes in Angela Merkel’s pantyhose… Champagne grapes are harvested at such a shocking level of ripeness that there is even detectable fruit flavor in Veuve Clicquot… In Italy, the government does nothing while native Sicilian grapes get super-ripe and create higher and higher alcohol levels, prompting the headline, “Rome fiddles while Nero d’Avola burns”…


Anonymous said...

Great until the last 2 paras.

You can't do better than "beaver" and sue.

Fun fact: In high school I went out with a girl named Sue Beaver.

-- Terence

Three Puff Daddy said...

I was shocked to hear that you have fingernails on your prognostate.

I was shocked to hear that Aborigines are not Mexicans.

I was shocked to learn that you cannot bring your durian into the hospital in its native Thailand.

I was shocked to see that The Hosemaster woudl even think of leaving us again. Oh, when will I ever learn?

The Wine Country said...

Well Hello, Hosey:
It's so nice to have you back where you belong.

Thomas said...

Ba da bing...

Nothing shocking to this old hand, but a few fine zingers, to be sure.

Leonardo said...

One thing is trying to be funny, and something else is being offensive.
I´m Mexican and your initial statement about Constelation and Australia is offensive, denigrant and racist.

John M. Kelly said...

HoesMaster? Offensive? Jeez newbie you haven't been here long, have you?

Hose may be de-man, but I've seen him and he sure ain't de-nigrant. I don't expect him to get vary de-fensive.

Marcia Macomber said...

Yea! Classic HoseMaster!

I'm afraid with the tail end of my cold/cough the belly laughs jostled all that lung fluid a bit too much...but it was worth it!

I did have to read the post with one hand blocking that scary picture. Would've liked a brown wrapper for that one. Caption was ideal though.

I do so hope Grenache gets its due...It's a cheerier varietal than Pinot Noir....

Nice finish on the Nero d'Avola. Been saving it up?

Ron Washam, HMW said...


What a coincidence! I knew her brother Harry.


I only return so that I can one day leave again. Don't worry, it won't be for a while.


John's right, I don't get defensive. I once ran a wine shop and wrote the newsletter, which purported to be funny. My partner in the shop always, always worried that I would offend someone. He would ask me to remove certain things and I would always tell him, "Bill, you simply cannot predict what will offend people. People take offense for personal reasons. I make the jokes in good conscience. Let them take offense."

"Offensive" is subjective just like wine is subjective.

"Denigrant" isn't a word, but it you mean denigrating, you're right. But it's denigrating to the corporate clowns at Constellation, not to Mexicans.

"Racist" in the sense that I used the word "Mexican?" What the joke references is the greed with which large corporations make big dollars off the backs of field workers. Sheesh, Leonardo. In an Internet filled with racism, you toss that charge at me?

As I often say to sporadic commenters, You're in the wrong place.

Thomas said...

I'm remembering a column I once wrote in my weekly local newspaper diatribe that was sparked by having read about a man who stuck his arm under a running lawn mower to pull out some stuck twigs. He cut off his arm, of course.

The story made me think about the many times when I mowed my lawn and would hit my head on the same low-hanging peach tree branch--I never seemed to learn my lesson.

My point was that we do stupid things not because we are stupid, but because we often don't think things through properly.

I got a letter from an ex-Marine (well, they aren't really ever ex-Marines, are they?). He accused me of denigrating the disabled.

After two attempts at trying to make him understand the point of the column, and after he began to call me names, I decided that I was once again being stupid and not thinking through properly.

I should never have tried to reason with him in the first place.

Samantha Dugan said...

Gonna call bullshit on Clicquot ever having any discernible anything aside from the pathetic stank of heavy wool being pulled over the masses eyes. Least Gruner has some character....

I love you!

Ron Washam, HMW said...


At least with a lawn mower you can only make that mistake twice.

I only responded to Leonardo di Crapio to jack up my comments. I usually never defend my jokes, or explain them. Of course, that's because they're indefensible and inexplicable.

Samantha Baby,

I wrote that Veuve joke just for you. I'd have been so disappointed if you hadn't singled it out.

I love you too!

Eric V. Orange said...

If you are gonna jack up your comments, Hose, you need to respond to each one separately ala Poodles, no?

Nice to see you back.


Dave (no, the other one) said...

Having finally recovered regarding the shocking news revealed about my beloved Gruner Veltliner I find my self forced to turn to the even more questionable Picpoul Pinet, which as near as I can figure translates as "pinenuts sourced from an orifice". I'm afraid to inquire about the nose.

Roger Ivy said...

Holy Carumba, I thought all of it was hilarious. God my ribs hurt. I'm saving this one to read on "blue mondays".....

Ron Washam, HMW said...



Ron Washam, HMW said...


Ron Washam, HMW said...


Ron Washam, HMW said...


You're the first person to stick up for Gruner, but, man, I've gotten a lot of angry emails from durian lovers.

Anonymous said...

First time I have seen your column. Who is your ghost writer, Steve Heimoff?

Thomas said...


Shows how little you know: hosemaster is STEVE!'S ghost writer.

Hosemaster's ghost writer is my poodle, Oliver.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I only ghost write STEVE!'s hate mail.

Oliver only contributes the tasting notes. Which explains all the references to butts.

Anonymous said...

can hardly wait until you introduce your very own "Essence of Wine" series...


Art said...

I'm a little late in on this but had to commend the "Hawking" pun. It's great to be reading you again when I'm at the office (in Seattle) pretending to be working. Isn't that illegal or something?