Monday, October 6, 2014

Anosmia Dogs, and Other Failed MW Dissertations

One of the requirements for becoming a Master of Wine is an original and rigorous research paper of between 6000 and 10,000 words. The words must be placed in sentences, or it doesn’t count. There is no similar requirement for becoming a Master Sommelier, though they are asked to write an original limerick—said to be the hardest part of the exam, after the colonoscopy. As far as I know, the great unwashed public isn’t privy to the dissertations produced by MW’s. However, as Commander of Wine, I have uncovered several dissertations that didn’t pass muster. As brilliant as some of these papers are, they were not good enough to gain their authors acceptance into fine wine’s version of contestants on “The Bachelorette,” the Masters of Wine.

Oh, these are some damned fine dissertations, written by the greatest minds in the wine business--Master of Wine candidates! We're all overflowing with admiration for them, aren't we? To read their brilliance, you'll have to leap over to Tim Atkin's amazing site and read them there. Don't forget to leave your usual brilliant common tater remarks there, and pay tribute to the 300 men and women who bear the responsibility and terrible burden of being Masters of Wine!

Tim Atkin, MW


The Sommeliere said...

Ron, "“Anosmia dogs,” writes Fido Baggins, “reject a poorly made wine by urinating on the sommelier’s leg." As a former sommelier, it calls to mind that my five month old puppy, who pees from excitement did this twice when I was opening a bottle of wine... WTF?

Do you think she could get a job?

David Larsen said...

Wow, it feels so good to laugh out loud after working in the winery all day. My highest compliment is that I will forward this post to all my wine friends.

Unknown said...

The Natalie Wood of grapes? Dead in the water? That has to go down (pun intended) as one of the best lines yet. So outrageously rude, and yet so perfect....

Quizicat said...

Since I don't know, I will ask you what is the difference between a Master of Wine and a Master Sommeliar? I could look it up, but I'd rather hear your take.

Quizicat said...

PS- Nice piece dude!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marlene Darling,
What's odd is that when I was a sommelier, I often peed on my own leg opening a bottle of wine. It felt so warm and comforting.

That's very kind. I do write this crap just to make people laugh. It's a hard business, especially on your end. Glad I gave you some comic relief. As opposed to my bladder relief when I was a sommelier.

Thanks. A dated joke, but I couldn't think of a more recent drowned celebrity. You just can't use JFK, Jr. and get the same laugh...

Thanks. Mostly the difference between the two is their accents. Like with the Japanese and the Germans.

Marcia Macomber said...

So many classic-Hosemaster style zingers in these dissertations! Oh, that Natalie Wood line.... Can't keep up with all the laugh lines coming so fast!

Charlie Olken said...

Ah, that old Natalie Wood joke. Still good.

Loved the pH piece especially the anti-pHRiesling line.

By the way, what is wrong with those wankers? No comments.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marcia Love,
As Charlie points out, the Nat joke is from the good ol' days. Along with "Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower the day she died?"

"She knew she'd wash up on shore."

Yeah, sick humor is the best.

I think that Tim Atkin forgot to put out a Tweet about my new column, so he hasn't had many hits yet. Besides, that sort of weird humor piece rarely solicits a lot of comments--even here.

I do like to leave folks speechless.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Damn you! Walked past my northern Rhone department, eyes falling upon famous regions that I read aloud, "St Joseph, Cornas, Cotie-Rotie" and I'll me damned if I didn't say, "Herman Tage"....fucker. But as always, I love you!